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Am I ungrateful to resent these flower gifts?

(75 Posts)
Booboostoo Fri 19-Jun-15 19:15:31

DH and I have been married for 10 years. On every anniversary DM sends us a huge bunch of flowers. I hate this and wish she would pack it in.

I hate it for a number of reasons:

1. DH and I choose not to celebrate our anniversary, we exchange gifts/make a big deal at Christmas and our birthdays and that is enough for us. Since we choose not to do anything for our anniversary it feels controlling and inappropriate that DM goes to this trouble on our behalf. Does anyone else get gifts from parents/ILS for their wedding anniversary?

2. DM does not like DH so the sentiment expressed is disingenuous anyway.

3. The flowers themselves annoy me as they remind me of our wedding which was hijacked by DM. We wanted a registry wedding in the UK, but gave into pressure to have a massive wedding in our home country. DM took over almost all the arrangements, invited her friends, fell out with FIL, wore white on the day, refused to invite one of my friends as she had fallen out with him and it would ruin her day, refused to serve the wedding cake we had chosen as it was 'down market', etc. Amongst all this she also ruined the flowers. I wanted daisies and she arranged for a bouquet of some weird rose type flower I don't even know. On every anniversary I receive more of the weird type roses.

So AIBU to shove the flowers in the bin? I would love to tell her to pack it in but it would only be another reason for her to focus on her own suffering from her ungrateful daughter.

pictish Fri 19-Jun-15 19:19:04

You know...I was all set to tell you that yabu, but the more I read, the more I started to see those flowers as a sinister reminder from someone who thinks they're in charge of you.

DrinkGirlsFeck Fri 19-Jun-15 19:19:10

A bit...

But by all means throw them in the recycling if you hate them.

My DM sends a card and usually a tenner for a bottle of wine. Bless her.

pictish Fri 19-Jun-15 19:20:22

None of our parents have ever marked our wedding anniversary, but then, we're lucky to remember it ourselves. We are not anniversary people.

bellathebluebell Fri 19-Jun-15 19:20:44

Not at all. Give them to me. I would love to receive a huge bouquet. Shall I PM you my address?

whois Fri 19-Jun-15 19:21:02

Can you give them to a friend or neighbour to enjoy? Or just bin them.

I was going to say YABU based on point 1 but the more I read I came round to your side!

hesterton Fri 19-Jun-15 19:23:19

Don't chuck them! Can you do a random act of kindness every year by giving them to someone in the neighbourhood? Maybe an elderly person living in your road? Then you can feel you did some good and also that you purged your home of unwanted mum's gift!

PHANTOMnamechanger Fri 19-Jun-15 19:24:42

does she also phone to ask if you got the flowers? thereby requiring your gratitude.

she does sound very controlling - why do some MILs think they can dictate so much about a wedding!!

can't you donate them somewhere? is anyone collecting raffle prizes for a school fair?? grin

CoogerAndDark Fri 19-Jun-15 19:24:59

I would take the greatest pleasure in stuffing them bloom first into the garden waste bin. Unless you have an elderly neighbour you think might enjoy them and you could blame being allergic to them for urgent rehoming.

Hissy Fri 19-Jun-15 19:25:09

YANBU!could you just refuse to accept them?

Is it the same company that supplies them? Could you not contact them and tell them you want to refuse them due to it being annual harassment of you?

ItsTricky Fri 19-Jun-15 19:25:45

I love the random act of kindness idea. Just pop them on someone's doorstep.

pictish Fri 19-Jun-15 19:26:55

I'm sure your mum thinks she's doing something kind...or at least, she would always maintain her motivation as kind. An anniversary delivery of the same flowers you had in your bridal's very difficult to see that as anything other than sweetly sentimental.
But yes...if she ignored your own request and had you carry the bouquet she thought you should have into the wedding she organised to her own liking on your behalf, it seems less sweet and leaves a bitter after-taste.

SilverBirchWithout Fri 19-Jun-15 19:28:28

Have you a local care home, or somewhere similar you can take them every year? A nice way to symbolise how a manipulative act by her can be changed to something more positive.

You could even slip it into conversation one day how grateful x is each year grin

momtothree Fri 19-Jun-15 19:31:31

Send then back via the flower shop. Wow 10 years of being annoyed.

BreadmakerFan Fri 19-Jun-15 19:36:10

Dh Parents always send us a card and give us a gift for our anniversary. It's nice they want to celebrate and congratulate us.

TwoOddSocks Fri 19-Jun-15 19:42:20

After point number 1 I was going to say YABU, it's just a sweet if misplaced gesture. After reading the rest YADNBU. I'm not sure whether sending them back would just create drama and play into your DM's plans though.

FishWithABicycle Fri 19-Jun-15 19:44:34

My mil always sends a card and some money towards a treat. My own parents don't worry about it (and neither do we much)

Yanbu - your dm is asserting her control, it's OK to reject it. But give the flowers to a local hospital or care home.

Booboostoo Fri 19-Jun-15 19:45:04

The phone calls start well before the anniversary. She will call a week beforehand, every day to remind us that she has sent the flowers, we should look out for the flowers, we should make sure we are in to take delivery of the flowers, etc. Then on the day she calls from first thing in the morning to check if they have arrived, if the florist got the order right, etc. Despite the numerous phone calls she never gets around to congratulating us on the anniversary but we do hear a lot about how clever she was to find the wedding flowers, how she chose 10 for the anniversary plus 4 pink ones for DD and 1 yellow one for DS and on and on.

RackofPeas Fri 19-Jun-15 19:48:54

Donate the flowers, a local care home, hospice or lonely person would probably love them.
Does your mum get off on passive aggressive gestures? Yanbu for being totally fed up with it, but give the flowers to someone who'll appreciate them.

toomuchtooold Fri 19-Jun-15 19:52:07

Would you lose much by telling her the truth? I ask as a genuine question as I also have a rather manipulative mother, and I think you have to use judgement about how to give them the least satisfaction. But I wonder if just saying "look, I don't really like those flowers, they weren't actually my choice for my bouquet for the wedding if you remember" would just put her gas at a peep?

Booboostoo Fri 19-Jun-15 19:59:10

She is the queen of passive aggression and definitely has a narcissistic personality. She is a very corrosive person to be close to.

I have dropped hints before, but they get ignored, anything more direct would be met with a major sulk because I don't appreciate anything she does for me.

Hissy Fri 19-Jun-15 20:01:17

I agree, tell her straight.

She is buying them to give herself bragging rights ONLY!

Tell the flower shop not to send them, that they will be refused.

Tell your dm that they remind you of a very difficult day and that you don't want her to send them again. Tell her to donate the money for charity, stick it in an account for the kids, ANYTHING but send the flowers.

You've let her away with this for 10 years. Enough. She's made her point.

Hissy Fri 19-Jun-15 20:03:53

Let her sulk! Not going to hurt her being forced to actually respect a grown adult now, is it?

Hissy Fri 19-Jun-15 20:06:41

And tell her she's right.

You didn't appreciate her ruining your wedding by upstaging you, hijacking it and making it all about herself. You didn't appreciate it at all. Neither did your friends, your husband, your family.

She's a narc, you can't live easy in your life with a narc. Let her go. It's better for you and your marriage/children to be free of her anyway.

PHANTOMnamechanger Fri 19-Jun-15 20:12:04

The phone calls start well before the anniversary. She will call a week beforehand, every day to remind us that she has sent the flowers, we should look out for the flowers, we should make sure we are in to take delivery of the flowers, etc. Then on the day she calls from first thing in the morning to check if they have arrived, if the florist got the order right, etc

oh heck, even worse than I imagined!!!

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