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To ask: If a nice person becomes obnoxious when drinking,

(81 Posts)
whothehellknows Fri 19-Jun-15 18:31:18

does that mean they're generally ok but should avoid alcohol? Or does it mean that they're showing their true colours?

I've been dating a guy for a couple of months, and we get along brilliantly when he's sober. (I've known him for a year in professional circles that sometimes overlap, and we've always clicked.) But once I started seeing him socially, I discovered that I really don't enjoy his company when he's been drinking. (It's hard to carry on a conversation because he sometimes forgets to pause for breath, tells stories that ramble through infinite tangents, and often misunderstands things I say and takes umbrage.)

AIBU to ask him to not drink when he's with me? Or is it a red flag that I should run a mile from?

JustBeingJuliet Fri 19-Jun-15 18:33:45

Personally I would run a mile. If things are irritating you this early on, it won't get any better!

HowDoesThatWork Fri 19-Jun-15 18:36:19

In vino veritas.

(in wine there is truth)

Yarp Fri 19-Jun-15 18:37:52

This doesn't look good, IMO

You shouldn't be this irritated by him after a few months

whothehellknows Fri 19-Jun-15 18:40:00

...the thing is, it's so great when he's not drinking. But a couple of beers and he's like a different person-- one that I never would have gone out with. Sober I'd say he's an amazing person. When he's drinking, it's... not nice. Can a person have NPD only when they drink?

SmashleyHop Fri 19-Jun-15 18:41:13

This is my DH. Funny, charismatic guy when sober... when drunk he's obnoxious and annoying. Thankfully he's rarely drunk so I don't have to put up with it often and tease him the next day about how much of a knob he was.

Really- isn't everyone annoying when drunk? I mean besides me I'm freaking lovely 100% of the time

JillBYeats Fri 19-Jun-15 18:45:44

I would say he has a drink problem.
My DH is not nice with alcohol so he rarely drinks and when he does it is one beer or glass of wine maximum.

whothehellknows Fri 19-Jun-15 18:49:46

Some people are awesome when they're drunk, but I've also met one or two who become an absolute aggressive nightmare. He isn't physically aggressive, but does come out with some apalling, negative shit.

Example: I was looking at dogs on a rescue page on facebook, and in response to one listing I asked him whether he'd ever of a hermaphrodite dog. His response was "Jamie Lee Curtis" and then he fell about laughing.

I've very rarely had a drink since I fell pregnant with DD1, so maybe I'm just out of the habit and oversensitive... but fuck me, that was just beyond the pale.

cigarsofthepharaoh Fri 19-Jun-15 18:50:21

It depends how often you drink together, and how much avoiding drinking with the person you're dating would affect your social life/normal routine.

If it's easy to avoid drinking with him, there's no reason to stop seeing him. Otherwise, it's not worth it. He might turn out to be a twat when sober too, just better at hiding it.

whothehellknows Fri 19-Jun-15 18:55:28

We very rarely drink together because I drive-- and to be honest I'm just not that fussed about alcohol. He drinks if he doesn't have to work the next day, pretty much regardless of what we're doing. If we are just hanging out at mine, he will go and get beer. Day out wandering in London, he stopped frequently at corner shops to pick up a can. It would just never occurr to me to do that, but I drive and I have kids.

FenellaFellorick Fri 19-Jun-15 19:01:21

Alcohol isn't a personality changing drug, it's a disinhibitor. What you see in a drunk is that person with lowered inhibitions.
A drunk person won't do something it is not in them to do.

TheCrowFromBelow Fri 19-Jun-15 19:02:40

Stopping at corner shops to buy booze on a day out is quite unusual.
Sorry.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 19-Jun-15 19:04:57

Lowering your inhibitions can create anti social behaviour and produce behaviour you'd never see sober.

Ive driven drunk, stripped naked in the street and punched someone. (obviously all a long time ago)

Ive never done anything even close to that sober (very mild mannered).

Yarp Fri 19-Jun-15 19:05:12

Corner shop booze on a day out? Blimey, that's an alcohol dependency

MrsEvadneCake Fri 19-Jun-15 19:07:34

Stopping to buy beer at corner shops on a day out would put me off. It suggests alcohol is a centre to all his activities and you will see this less likeable side more and more.

keeptothewhiteline Fri 19-Jun-15 19:08:32

Sounds the opposite of my OH.
He just gets all soft and soppy- telling me how lucky he is to have met me, the happiest man in the world....then falls asleep.

FenellaFellorick Fri 19-Jun-15 19:09:47

Oh x post. Can in hand on days out is never a good sign imvho

keeptothewhiteline Fri 19-Jun-15 19:09:55

Picking up a can at a corner shop?

Very classy.

Mitzimaybe Fri 19-Jun-15 19:13:15

Sounds like an ex of mine. The clue is in the ex.

I suggest you give him the choice - tell him (when he's sober) that you like sober him a lot, but you don't like drunk him at all. Would he mind not drinking on the days when he's seeing you? See what his response is. Most likely he will minimise, say he can't be that bad, surely, you're making a fuss over nothing. Or he'll still drink and say he's "only had one" or "not had that much". And then you'll know he's not a keeper.

PattiODoors Fri 19-Jun-15 19:17:14

Urgh. Nope he ain't a keeper. Get rid.

spidey66 Fri 19-Jun-15 19:18:09

HowDoesThatWork took the words out of my mouth.

I'm normally a happy drunk, because I drink mainly at social events and am normally in a good mood. The worse I could be described as when drunk is occasionally tearful, if I'm in a bad mood to start with-so basically it exaggerates my mood. I'm never, ever aggressive or abusive-because that's not me.

I do believe if someone's a nasty drunk, it's in their nature to be nasty. It just takes the alcohol to release the nasty side to them.

spidey66 Fri 19-Jun-15 19:22:45

Having read the thread properly, I'd run if I was you. I always think that drinking on the street is so unclassy. Why can't you wait till you get home or to the pub?

whothehellknows Fri 19-Jun-15 19:24:20

Well, I figure that if I ask him not to drink around me then the worst he can say is "no"- and then I just don't hang out with him.

I have another friend who can't abide certain food smells, and has asked mates not to eat certain things around her. And we like her, so it's no biggie and we just save the cheese and onion crisps for another time.

I think this should be the same- so if he makes it an issue or has excuses then I'll end it.

The corner shop thing did worry me, because it seemed like a crazy thing to do during the day.

feebeecat Fri 19-Jun-15 19:25:03

I think some people can be hideously obnoxious when drunk & fine the rest of the time. My dh can be like this, so if he's going out with mates & likely to drink to excess I avoid him - happens once or twice a year. I used to be hideous when drunk, I annoyed myself in the end, so gave it up. Think the difference is, it was an occasional occurrence & more of a 'venting'.
Think I'd be more concerned about the amount he's drinking. Do you ever see him when he's not?

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 19-Jun-15 19:39:26

"I've been dating a guy for a couple of months" - so he should still be 'on best behaviour, really.

"He drinks if he doesn't have to work the next day, pretty much regardless of what we're doing."
That sounds to me like he has a problem.

I think I would have to talk to him about this, along the lines of 'are you aware how much of a knob you turn into with a drink in you?'. And decide what to do, based on his response.

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