To ask DH not to eat all the food?

[CustardDragon]

It's really beginning to grate on my nerves. DH is fairly overweight (think bmi of about 32) and constantly eats massive amounts. It has always annoyed me when we go out for dinner and I have regular amounts, like a main and a dessert, but he orders half the menu which makes it very expensive. What is most annoying though, is that he eats everything I get for myself as well. I don't really like the idea of 'my food' and 'his food', but because I have quite a restricted diet (vegetarian and can't have a lot of lactose either) and he eats everything, I have had to get stuff I can have for work lunches and stuff. But he eats it all.

This week, he ate all his meat stuff. Then he ate all the bread. And all the cheese. He puts two or three condiments in each sandwich (salad cream, mustard and ketchup, all together??).

Money is quite tight and I am getting fed up of having to buy expensive lunches at work because there is nothing left when I get up :(

[JontyDoggle37]

Sounds like you need to have serious words. Do you know if there is a reason why he feels driven To overeat, is it worth trying to work with him to address the root cause?

[icklekid]

It sounds like at least part of the problem isn't about the actual food but him being selfish and not leaving you any food for lunch. What does he say when you ask him what you are supposed to do after he's eaten everything? The 3 condiments thing is odd but wouldn't bother me as long as I don't have to eat it! The going out for dinner is a shame as I'm sure it means that you can't afford to often. The lack of lunches would really frustrate me! Could you ask him to make you lunch when he makes his or take it in turns to encourage him to be more thoughtful?

[Rainbunny]

Oh dear, this brings up memories. My ex-h was exactly this way, to the point that I was hiding cans of vegetable soup in my wardrobe just so I could have food for lunch. Ex-h was also overweight and continuing in the direction of obesity. He basically had an eating disorder. He wasn't just "greedy" he really felt hungry all the time. I knew that he had a very neglected childhood and I understood his relationship with food was based upon sporadic starvation and use of food for comfort when it was around. I still remember an awful dinner out when he lost his temper and shouted at me in a restaurant because I didn't want a starter course (it somehow made him feel guilty for ordering one).

For all our issues, and many of them were related to his poor childhood experiences, I never viewed his problems with food as "selfish." However his refusal to talk about it, get any form of help or even acknowledge his behaviour as an issue to be ultimately was part of the reason we parted ways.

[steff13]

It sounds like he has an eating disorder. You're not unreasonable to ask him not to eat everything, but if he does have an eating disorder, it might not do any good.

[Atenco]

It sounds like he has an eating disorder

Maybe you should ask him to address it, because, apart from anything else he is going to end up a tremendous size.

I was once given a little kitten that was found on the street and had apparently been separated from its mother and left on the street without food for three days. I have never seen an animal eat so much! Cats are normally very good at leaving food when they have eaten their fill, but this little never got its fill. By the time I rehoused it ten days later it was a little ball of a thing.

[CustardDragon]

I'm not sure if he has an eating disorder. He did grow up in a poor country, but he always had enough to eat. His father is also huge. He is pretty big now. I honestly feel sure that I will be widowed fairly young. When I make the dinner, which is pretty much five times a week, he will grumble and complain if I give him, for example, an individual pie and a large salad. He will want the family-size portion of everything. Everything must be fried. He is never happier than with a large fry-up of bacon (4 rashers) three sausages, two eggs, beans, fried bread, you name it. Then he will slice cheese on top!

But, like many men, he won't listen if I bring it up. He just gets angry, which is why I stopped raising it.


I have labelled a shelf in the fridge and cupboard, now. I feel like an arse for doing it, but there seems to be no other way!

[Baies]

Dunno about eating disorder .. Having one of those makes you eat your wife's food does it, knowingly leaving her without?

He just sounds rude and greedy to me and if I were you OP I'd have a serious chat with him

[purplemurple1]

Could you do meal plans and costs together so he can see which food is allocated to meals and which he can eat as snacks?
Seeing prices may help him realise you aren't trying to be mean you are trying to budget.

[steff13]

Having binge eating disorder would. That's the thing about a disorder; it's not a conscious decision to be rude or greedy. The OP's husband's behavior is certainly abnormal.

[eggyface]

This reads like the Tiger who Came to Tea

[CustardDragon]

Eggy - I thought that as I was writing it! Alas, there is nowhere I can store a really, really big tin of DH Food :)

Purple - I try that. He tells me I am being controlling!

[CustardDragon]

:D

[cedricsneer]

Baies of course you can have an eating disorder that makes you eat all your wife's food. An eating disorder is indiscriminate and can mean that you compulsively eat anything and everything even if the consequences are horrendous (shortening your own life/pissing off your own wife).

His anger when you try to discuss it would suggest he is at least ashamed of his behaviour. It sounds very difficult to live with and I feel that you are resigned to losing him young. Makes me feel sad for my family (before I started recovery).

[purplemurple1]

Could he do it alone instead - budget,meal plan and take on half the cooking

[Baies]

Sounds like an absolute cop out to me. He is knowingly ensuring that his wife has no food to eat. Call it what you want, but he has a functioning brain in his head and his behaviour is disgusting.
If he wants to eat massive amounts then he should pop out and buy his own stuff

[CustardDragon]

Cedric - I am resigned. It does make me very sad, but there is simply no talking to him about it. I can't force him to do anything about it, you see.

As I have said, I have tried to cook healthy meals for him. I also work full-time so this needs quite a bit of effort. Then, he complains about what I make. It is too little. It has no flavour because it is not fried or covered in creamy sauces. He refuses flat out to eat a vegetarian meal even once per week. So I am knackered, and only to be complained at which is not good for marital relations.

I won't eat what he makes, because it will be a fry-up, covered in cheese. I have tested this!

[NRomanoff]

An alcoholic often drinks all the booze from the house and puts drink before their spouse. Why would it be different for someone with disordered eating? Sounds like a compulsion to me, although the list you have that he ate there was only the bread that you eat regularly.

I think you need to consider the fact that he has a problem and you need to approach it carefully

[CustardDragon]

Also, after the 'inadequate' meals I make him, he goes and fills a huge bowl with bananas, chocolate cereal and cream. Then he adds sugar and more chocolate powder. And sits and eats it :(

[DoraMarstellar]

Well he's a greedy selfish pig isn't he?

You either pussyfoot around him, growing ever thinner yourself while he balloons and ultimately ends up winched out of the house OR you have it out with him.

Let's face it. Greed is not an attractive trait. Nor selfishness. Nor is morbid obesity. Does he expect you to carry on thinking he's the bees knees forever despite all that?!

Yuk.

[peggyundercrackers]

erm... sounds like you need to buy more food and stop buying some of the other stuff? must admit things like cream, chocolate cereal & chocolate powder wouldn't be found in our house, cream on the very odd occasion when its someones birthday or whatever but otherwise no.

sorry if someone served me up a pie and large salad I would moan too - salad does nothing for me nor for DH - we eat it but in small quantities.

things like a loaf of bread are gone by the 2nd day of being bought in our house so we go through 3 or 4 a week, cheese we go through like snow off a dyke, at least 1 block a week if not 2 - DD loves cheese - we also use a lot in cooking as well like macaroni cheese and making pizza - I would make them from scratch instead of buying.

[SanityClause]

Whether it's because he is a "greedy, selfish pig", or a compulsive eater, the fact remains that only he can do something about it. You can't do it for him, and you can't make him choose to sort out the problem.

So, you need to choose whether you can live with it, or not.

You could perhaps bring it up with him, that you think he has a warped relationship with food. However, it sounds like, given his family history, he views such eating as normal, and so he may well not accept what you say. (From your posts, I get the feeling you've already tried this, anyway.)

[CustardDragon]

Peggy - he buys junk food. He's 36, so I can't really prevent this. The problem is not that he eats the junk, it's that he eats everything else as well.

[Branleuse]

Hes a glutton. Thats really not ok. You cant afford it

[cedricsneer]

I'm sorry custard - it sounds miserable. For both of you. He sounds deeply in the grips of an ed, but that doesn't make it ok for you to live with.

Posters calling him a disgusting greedy pig obviously have no experience of an ed.

What I would say is that if you treat it as an addictive illness (which it clearly is - the way he is eating is a form of self-harm and has nothing to do with willpower) then he will probably need to reach a rock bottom before he decides to change.

I don't think you should tolerate living with this behaviour. Would you consider leaving him? I really am sorry - it seems a horrible way for you to live.

[Oly4]

A pie and salad wouldn't be enough for me and I'm a female size 12! I think he probably needs bigger portions of whatever healty food you're making, then refuse to buy a the unhealthy snacks. If he wants them, he can go out for them. Tell him you have X for lunch and you'll be furious if he eats it. It sounds like there's two things going on here - you don't like his diet and consider it unhealthy, and that he eats your food. They are fairly distinct things really as the first is very tied up with his emotions, him being overweight and the fact you don't like his diet. Time for a frank chat rather than berating him