...to expect my ex to help with costs for school trips and uniform?

(26 Posts)
Aliiiii Thu 18-Jun-15 18:07:39

I haven't been with my ex for the best part of 8 years, we have a DS age 10
There have always been problems regarding maintenance and him helping out with school holidays
To date my ex has NEVER had DS for any school holidays. This year he has agreed to have him for one week in the summer and I asked him what other weeks he was going to help out with and he replied that 'the one week is all he can offer'
All my holiday is used to look after my son but as we all know this doesn't cover all of it and I don't see why my elderly parents should pick up the remainder when my ex should be helping more
My DS goes into year 6 in September and a letter has come home from school with a letter regarding a residential trip costing £289
I text his dad this morning asking if he could contribute towards the cost, his reply? 'I pay enough already there's no more money'
Now he's currently paying £350 per month which includes £100 arrears, this is the man who lied continuously ( including to the CSA) about his income, paying £36 a month when he is earning £40k+
He got caught out and is now dealing with the consequences
AIBU to expect help in both instances? Next year when DS starts senior school there will be new uniform etc to buy also a residential trip-I don't see that I am wrong in asking his dad to contribute
FYI I have never asked him for help with stuff even when he was only paying me a pittance
I am not graby and my DS will not miss out on anything ( I will find the money) I just don't get his dads attitude
Interested to hear others views
Thanks

travellinglighter Thu 18-Jun-15 18:28:14

Hi Aiii

No, you’re not being unreasonable.

I pay less than your ex for my two but they are with me for 50% of the time. The deal with my ex is 50/50 on holidays and I pay half of any school trips as long as I’m asked before she agrees. I know it sounds a bit harsh but she kept making decisions without me about my finances so I’ve have had to be harsh.

It might be lawyer time. Hope this helps.

broadbeanstew Thu 18-Jun-15 18:33:45

YANBU. However my ex, who does admittedly pay exactly what is required of him by the CSA (£800 a month for 2 DC, he only.sees them 2 nights a month) categorically refuses to pay anything extra, whether for school trips, after school activities etc. He thinks it should all come out of the maintenance money. I think legally he's probably right sad It sucks though, as I have to either make sacrifices or they go without.

PtolemysNeedle Thu 18-Jun-15 18:33:57

YANBU, but I think the bigger problem is that the CSA require such a pitiful amount from most NRPs. It doesn't reflect at all the cost of actually raising a child, but as they exist and operate in the way they do, it's not surprising that NRPs feel they're doing enough if they pay what the CSA says as well as keeping a home suitable for children to stay at.

Things like uniform are a necessity, so NRPs should be expected to pay towards it, but residential trips are a choice, and both parents have equal right to decide whether they will pay for it or not.

CremeEggThief Thu 18-Jun-15 19:02:11

What broadbean said. My XH sees DS one or two (Saturday lunchtime- Sunday teatime) weekends a month, pays exactly what the CSA minimum is (on time, so suppose I should feel lucky for that) and not a penny more. So, YANBU in my opinion, but legally speaking, YABU.

Aliiiii Thu 18-Jun-15 19:12:17

Thanks for your replies
I'm just pleased to know that others don't feel I'm being unreasonable
I know school trips aren't compulsory, but I will be buggered if my son is going to miss out because his fathers behaves like a knob!
I think my son knows who provides for him 24/7, like the school holidays he's not bothered if he doesn't see his dad from one month to the next (he goes eow)
I just find it sad that a parent can behave the way he does, mind you I'm very much in the 'what goes around, comes around camp!'

SaucyJack Thu 18-Jun-15 19:16:14

I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

But you can't make an NRP who doesn't give a shit pay up (more's the pity), so for your own peace of mind adjust your expectations accordingly.

blueballoon79 Thu 18-Jun-15 19:18:11

I don't feel you're being unreasonable at all and share the same annoyance.
My ex plays only £150 a month and only takes care of DD for 7 hours on a Saturday. He refuses to do overnight and never takes her any extra days in holidays. I pay for everything and am struggling badly. He refuses to pay a penny more or take her for any extra time. It gets me so angry but there's nothing I can do.

I do think though that a residential trip is something that your child doesn't have to go to. If your ex won't contribute half there's not a lot you can do. You'd think he'd want to help out and ensure his son could go on all school trips etc but if he's anything like mine he won't give two hoots.

chickenfuckingpox Thu 18-Jun-15 19:23:01

his attitude sucks but what can you do my ex has an order to pay £7.50 a week for 12 months he has to date paid nothing if he were paying the amount of money you are getting i would have been able to pay for my dd to have a school trip to date she has never had one she is 15 years old sorry but yabu dont rely on him for anything do it yourself then when your child grows up to be fine you know it was nothing to do with him and so will he

Pico2 Thu 18-Jun-15 19:33:33

Yanbu - the CSA rate is woeful. Your ex sounds like an arse and your DS knows it. It is really hard from the perspective of a parent who really cares about their DC to understand why anyone wouldn't.

Aliiiii Thu 18-Jun-15 19:55:27

Thanks ladies and gents
He is a poor excuse for a parent, always has been always will
As I said above my DS won't go without if I have my way, my parents help out so he doesn't, just pisses me off that the guy who's name is on the birth certificate really doesn't give a shit
My son is becoming more aware, now he is older. Would love to be a fly on the wall when he brings up the subject with his dad, and it will happen at some stage!!

Aliiiii Thu 18-Jun-15 19:57:12

Oh and I never take his money into account, every month it turns up its a bonus!!

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 18-Jun-15 20:01:37

Yanbu to ask him but all he is obliged to pay is what the CSA ask him to so he is also nbu for refusing.

Doing so would in many circumstances be the right thing to do but getting cross about it is probably not worth the stress

formidable Thu 18-Jun-15 20:02:46

You're not being at all unreasonable, but it's a question of however cub heartache do you want to go through trying to get your ex to play fair?

I chose, in the end, to go it alone simply because:

It's easier than trying to get blood out of a stone
I'm lucky that I can afford it
It means I can cut ex out of my life and have minimal contact with him
I am proud that I manage alone
It just confirms what sort of person he is, that he doesn't contribute.

So what do you do? Do you prostrate yourself and go through every emotion trying to make it fair? Or do you think "fuck you" and manage alone.

I would suggest, if you can afford it, that it's simply easier to buy the uniform and pay for the trips yourself.

Aliiiii Thu 18-Jun-15 20:18:15

Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to be able to afford it. However, I do what I can and I know that the reason my DS is such a lovely child is down to me and my family and that's worth more than anything!

formidable Thu 18-Jun-15 20:25:56

Exactly. And congratulations on that thanks

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Thu 18-Jun-15 20:32:59

YANBU for asking. How often does he actually have DS normally (not counting holidays). Sorry if I've missed that bit of info.

I agree with the above regarding uniform being a necessity and a school trip being a choice. So uniform he should help towards it if the maintenance doesn't cover it as well as everything else. £289.00 is a lot of money when you don't really have it spare so YANBU to ask him, but he's also NBU to say he hasn't got the money for it. Me and DP were just talking about his nephew going on a school trip for 2 nights (he went today), and got on to talking about dsd possibly going on one of these in the next couple of years. As long as his ex is willing to pay half, and we have plenty of notice, then we would definitely pay towards it if we can. My DP doesn't pay maintenance as he has his DD 50/50, so things such as uniform, trips, dinners, new shoes they go halves. Apart from activities where whoever decides to start it pays for it.

Kim82 Thu 18-Jun-15 20:33:31

My ex pays £40 per week for our two children and refuses to pay a penny more. I have to pay for all clothes, shoes, school uniform, any clubs, swimming lessons, pocket money, school trips and school residentials as "he pays maintenance and I should use that". Yeh, because £40 a week goes so far with an almost 14 year old and almost 11 year old. Bellend!!

Luckily, both kids know their dad is useless. Ds sees him once a week (either 4pm fri - 9am sat or 4pm sat - 11am sun) but he won't ask him for anything he wants/needs as he knows the answer will be no. Dd has nothing to do with him - she hasn't been to his house in almost a year. He regularly tells Ds that "I've no money, I have to give it all to your mum". Luckily Ds isn't stupid and knows he's talking through his arse!

Sorry, got on a rant there!

Aliiiii Thu 18-Jun-15 20:58:24

Yep, kids are far more astute than we give them credit for!
I remember when we first split he asked me to email a list of the monthly costs for DS!!! Oh how I laughed, they really have no idea but boy will they lose out in the end!
Thanks all!

SamVJ888 Thu 18-Jun-15 21:33:21

Couldn't agree more with the "what goes around comment". Ex doesn't pay a penny to our daughter, sees her when he can be arsed, has never even been to her school and is a general prick. He left me in debt at the point in almost loosing my home and didn't give a shit. I sorted myself out, got my daughter into private school which I pay for and we have a comfortable life (for which I am grateful and realise we're very lucky). I've just had my ex here, crying saying he's made a massive mistake and fucked his life up (yada yada yada) oh how I loved telling him to jog on. What goes around certainly does come around......

TwinkieTwinkle Thu 18-Jun-15 21:44:59

What. A. Wanker.

ScrambledEggAndToast Thu 18-Jun-15 21:58:51

So many idiots out there. My ex has paid nothing since September 2012. His latest thing is boasting all over Facebook that he is the landlord of a pub only all the paperwork is in his girlfriend's name so the CSA can't seem to get any money. These men are a disgrace.

MistressDeeCee Thu 18-Jun-15 22:01:18

YANBU but at some point you have to accept this is the way the fool is, and just get on with what you have to do by yourself. Its a hard road to travel but its too much heartache having expectations of a man who won't accept responsibility and so lacks in compassion that he won't help his own DCs. Ive been there. The DCs grow up and see their father for what he is but still, its a horrible feeling when you know he just wasn't there for them. They always want to be involved when DCs are grown up, too..too little too late the DCs have their own lives and couldnt care less.

grannytomine Thu 18-Jun-15 22:22:14

I always saved child benefit for this sort of thing. I know trips are expensive, I save a regular amount and have done for several years, so that I will have money to help with trips when my 3 GC get to senior school. My own kids were allowed two school residentials, one at primary and one at senior school, if they wanted any more they had to save half the money from pocket money, Chistmas and birthday money. Three of them saved up for a third trip, one decided it wasn't worth it. His choice.

I don't know if there are rules about this but my son, who is divorced, pays half for his children to go on trips.

JakieOH Fri 19-Jun-15 15:31:26

How do you know what he earns? Absolute twat for not paying for his kids and lying about by the way but glad he is paying it now with the arrears!

Just wondering if it is possible that he actually can't afford to give you more?

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