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To not relocate to the location where my Ex-p now lives?

(24 Posts)
tummiest Thu 18-Jun-15 17:53:20

DP and I have split up, having had 2 DC in the last 3 years. DP did zilch around the house, despite supposedly being a sahd. There was no laundry done, no dinners cooked ever, no grocery shopping done - I literally did everything either before work or after work and every single day, the house was a tip. Often the dirty lunch dishes were still on the table at 6.30pm. I was forced to employ a cleaner (who raised some concerns that the children were bored out of their heads). He regularly stayed up gaming till 3am in the morning, was grumpy next day with the kids, complained incessantly of tiredness and was impossible to waken in the morning. I would spend about half an hour coaxing him to waken up before he would actually get up (so I could leave for work) and on about 4/5 days over the last 3 years, he just did not even get out of bed. I had to take the day off, although I am self employed and lost money as a consequence. He was spending through loads of money on cigarettes and coffee. Matters came to a head when I found out that he was leaving the children alone regularly to nip out for take away coffees, and take the older child to nursery. We split up when I came back from work early and discovered that he had been leaving the 15 month old alone in a play pen. I called the elder child's nursery in tears and asked for advice on local childminders and they flagged the issue up to social services and called the police. He was increasingly depressed prior to this, regularly did not wash and stank a bit, and refused for years to go out and work. He was aggressive with me and with the police when they arrived and they asked him to leave. Since the split, I have returned to my family 500 miles overseas, so that I could telecommute while my family helps with childcare. Former DP is not pleased, and thinks that the children should not have been taken away from him. He is now living at his father's house, as I changed the locks after he left (as he has anger management issues and was regularly quite intimidating - he also hung around the area when asked to leave by the police). I have made sure the children speak to him every night on Skype and he has been able to visit once. He says he cannot afford to visit here regularly (but can afford to smoke through £70/100 a week). He is still not working a month after the split.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable to be living so far away from him, with the children. I would love it if they could have a close relationship with him and have hugs etc all the time, but I feel that I need support to have a job and two kids under four (one with potentially special needs). I don't know if the kids will be angry with me in years to come (they are having a great time daily now with their grandparents and I am getting a lot of support). I would like to do everything in my power to ensure they have a good relationship with DP, but he has a seriously self destructive side. If I go to live near him, he will not be a reliable source of help and I don't know anyone around that area.

tummiest Thu 18-Jun-15 17:54:42

That is.. we split up when i discovered that he had left the child alone in the flat.. i subsequently found out that he had been doing this regularly.

contractor6 Thu 18-Jun-15 18:01:43

Well all I can say is he had the chance to spend lots of time with them when he was a sahp, sounds like he didn't really bother to much then....
I think under the circumstances you are right to move to where you have good support.
However in order to be the bigger more reasonable one I would also arrange a holiday in that area so he can see them and cant complain you aren't making effort?

fedupbutfine Thu 18-Jun-15 18:07:32

If I go to live near him, he will not be a reliable source of help and I don't know anyone around that area

has he moved away from where you lived when together? did you not have friends in the area?

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the circumstances. Long-term, you probably do need to consider the children's relationship with their father and see if there is a compromise to be had. If you are able to telecommute, presumably your role is flexible enough to stand the odd day off to manage a sick child, for example, if the children are in nursery? You are right, you can't rely on your ex but you can rely on paid childcare to support you in doing your job.

I would just let yourself get your head round everything and see how things are when the dust settles - dealing with the end of a relationship is emotionally exhausting on top of everything else you need to do. Be kind to yourself and don't try to make long term decision at the moment.

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc Thu 18-Jun-15 18:15:39

Personally I think it's wrong to move countries with dc away from the other parent and had you asked before you left then that would have been my standpoint. But that's not the situation, you have left, you are getting that support and the dc are getting that attention so it's a different kettle of fish. I'm guessing he's not been quick to show how supportive of the dc he would be if you came back?

For now I'd say stay put, get yourself on your feet and then examine things again. Maybe look at alternating visits so he's not always paying, maybe offset some maintenance against travel fares so he can come more often, things like that. Maybe, with time, moving back will be an option, who knows, just keep an open mind and be as reasonable as possible.

Penfold007 Thu 18-Jun-15 18:43:56

If he is that keen to have a relationship with the children he can go to court and request access along with explaining his previous neglect and sorting out child maintenance.

Long term you do need to consider your children's right to have a relationship with their father but at the moment you need to look after them and yourself.

formidable Thu 18-Jun-15 18:48:10

You aren't entitled to move permanently abroad with the children, without either his permission or a court order.

If you think he will be causing a fuss about this, then I would recommend speaking to an English family lawyer and asking them about the process for getting retrospective permission.

Obviously the easiest thing to do would be to get your ex's agreement. Could you offer to have an agreement drawn up with a lawyer which details the agreement for his access? Would he agree to that?

If he takes it to court you will be looking at a potentially long and expensive process.

You need to speak to a lawyer.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 18-Jun-15 18:51:51

I think maybe you should aim to move back in 6 months when you have got your finances and things sorted. You don't need to live round the corner from him, within 100 miles would be ok for fortnightly contact and if he wants more he could always move closer to you. I don't have much sympathy for his position but I do think the children probably need to be closer to him.

theendoftheendoftheend Thu 18-Jun-15 18:51:59

Urr he left a 15 month old home alone?! You owe him nothing! You ARE doing the best by your DC, he needs to step up and make the best relationship with his DC he can after his previous massive fail at parenting. Of course, the easier option for him will be to just blame it all on you. Just don't let him suck you into believing it too.

Fromparistoberlin73 Thu 18-Jun-15 18:56:11

Well done op for getting away

I am afraid that I agree with others that in the longer run you need to explore how he can have a relationship with his kids - as tough as it is for you that should be the longer term goal

And he needs to get his shot together

As shit as a dad he is - he is still their legal father

Best of luck op

formidable Thu 18-Jun-15 18:58:50

Just to add, if you are abroad (I'm not sure now if I've misread) and he feels like going on the attack, he can ring the police, tell them you've abducted the children and he can have them removed from you, by force if necessary.

I'm only saying this because only you know if he'd do that. It might be a real risk.

If it happened, you'd have a job on your hands getting them back again.

Might be better to either return or play it very softly softly with him. It's not worth pissing him off.

tummiest Thu 18-Jun-15 19:41:01

I am not abroad, formidable. Still in the UK. And he won't be paying any maintenance, because he doesn't do jobs. So I have got to foot the bill for everything and carry the can for everything.

tummiest Thu 18-Jun-15 19:48:37

And yes, all this is apparently my fault according to him. In fact I set the whole thing up, apparently. Because I wanted this to happen.

NickiFury Thu 18-Jun-15 19:52:49

Oh f*ck him! He was a neglectful, abusive father. You need to put your dc and yourself first now. In time your children will be old enough up travel to see him if he can't be arsed to get himself to see them. For now they come first and you being able to provide for them is a huge part of that.

formidable Thu 18-Jun-15 19:54:35

Sorry!

In that case, do what you damn well like smile

StockingFullOfCoal Thu 18-Jun-15 19:56:54

He was neglecting the babies, yes babies, and leaving them home alone?! That is fucking outrageous.

YADNBU to move away.
YADNBU to not assist him in seeing his children.

Christ I would have eviscerated him for leaving them alone angry

He won't kick up a fuss via court because for that he'd need to get a job and pay for it. And if he did, I'd let a Judge deal with it, considering the SS and police reports.

Fairy13 Thu 18-Jun-15 20:03:49

YANBU.
You are entitled to live where in the country you like.

Yes, you have a duty to promote safe contact. My opinion is that Skype 3 or times per week and maybe once every two weeks he can visit and have access supervised by someone else would be reasonable. If he can't afford to make it that often then that's a shame for him.

He can't be trusted with them alone and should not have them overnight. Leaving a 15 month old home alone? Who the fuck would do that?!

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc Thu 18-Jun-15 20:31:54

Oh well in that case crack on! If he wants to see them he can, might involve him getting a job of course but the majority of the population seem to manage that! I don't see why you should be restricted to a single location for another parent. Having a supportive, caring family is good for dc. Don't swap that for a feckless lazy father!

Purplepoodle Thu 18-Jun-15 21:02:05

He left your children alone. Sorry he can jog on. He is lucky he's not being prosecuted for neglect. You need to do what's best for you and your kids with lots of family support.

viva100 Thu 18-Jun-15 21:04:26

YANBU the children are your priority. They need proper care AND a parent who is able to provide for them. That won't happen if you move back where you have no support. He's proven himself to be utterly incapable of taking care of them and doesn't give a shit about them.
They can still have a relationship with him and it sounds like this setup is good for them.

Fromparistoberlin73 Thu 18-Jun-15 23:15:23

Been rethinking - you are doing amazing and frankly his will to see kids should be low on your priority list - again wishing you the best you sound like a strong woman

AlpacaMyBags Fri 19-Jun-15 01:02:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BagelwithButter Fri 19-Jun-15 01:13:28

I don't think you should feel bad AT ALL!

Even if you discount all the stuff he didn't do, he DID leave a very young child alone on several occasions and that is not to be excused for any reason, imho.

You are still in the same country. You have moved to get parental support. If he tries the emotional blackmail, try not to be manipulated, remind yourself of those days by looking at your opening post. He was the irresponsible one, he left his own child alone, etc etc. You have the police/social services reports so he can't pretend it didn't happen or minimise what he did.

You are working hard to provide them with a loving, stable environment. If he really wants to see them, he will save up money and come and see them when he can afford it (as he has done once). I hope he is getting help for depression, it sounds like he could do with some (a lot of) help.

If, in time, he can get himself into a better place and be more responsible, then things could change but that doesn't mean you are one who has to move back, he could always move nearer to you.

Mermaidhair Fri 19-Jun-15 02:45:12

What an amazing Mummy you are. You have put your children first and rightly so. Your ex was abusing your children by being neglectful. That is illegal. Has he always been like this with your children or is it a newish thing? I'm just wondering if he could be depressed? Has he ever worked? Don't feel bad op, you have put your children first and right now you need to do whatever you have to to just survive.

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