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To ask why everyone is pro choice when it comes to pregnancy, but not when it comes to birth?

(70 Posts)
LashesandLipstick Thu 18-Jun-15 10:33:10

It's considered pretty "old fashioned" and even rude to loudly proclaim you're pro life and to tell other women what they should do. It's accepted that decisions around a woman's body are hers, and that we should respect her choice, even if we disagree with it.

Why does this seem to disappear when it comes to birth? Suddenly EVERYONE has an opinion on what you want. Oh you're having an ELC? You're obviously trying to schedule your baby around your selfish lifestyle. You could at least try. You want a homebirth? Don't you know the risks? You're having an epidural? Women's bodies are designed to cope with labour pain, you're being a wimp!

I could go on. Shouldn't we be respecting women's choices on this, even if they're not a choice we personally would make? I honestly don't understand why someone else can have such a strong opinion on another woman's birth choice!

MsVestibule Thu 18-Jun-15 10:40:12

I don't know what your situation is WRT children, but if this is your first, get used to it! What you ingest through pregnancy, breast vs bottle, routine driven vs baby led, SAHM/PT/FT, when you wean, how you discipline. The list is endless. I too was very surprised by how many opinions people had on any choices I made, but 9 years later, I'm kind of getting used to it.

FWIW, I don't care how you, or anybody else, chooses to give birth. I would assume they'd taken professional guidance and were happy with their decision.

LashesandLipstick Thu 18-Jun-15 10:43:41

Yes it's my first. I know but it's just starting to piss me off, I don't understand WHY it bothers others. I would never tell anyone what choice to do, so wish people would respect my decisions angry

I usually just listen politely and ignore any unsolicited advice but it's just irritating lol

ollieplimsoles Thu 18-Jun-15 10:45:55


This is my first and it leaked to DH's family that we have put 'home birth' on the maternity notes as preferred place of birth. In the knowledge that it depends on the pregnancy as to whether this will be possible (things going well so far)
MIL was horrified, she actually cried. She called us selfish and said that 'so many things go wrong' Since that day she has done everything possible to try and stop us from doing it. Its so fucking tiring! We are not stupid, we do research and realise what could come up.

I NEVER criticise anyones choice for the birth of their baby! Its just plain wrong and so unhelpful! People are adults and can make their own choices!

ollieplimsoles Thu 18-Jun-15 10:46:23

Out of interest what are you planning OP? (hope you don't mind me asking)

LashesandLipstick Thu 18-Jun-15 10:50:36

Ollie exactly! It's as if people think we don't look into these things. I'm not having a home birth but I fully understand and support those who do, I think everyone should get to make an INFORMED choice.

I don't get why people can't work out that what THEY want isn't what everyone wants. I'm fully aware that my own birth choice wouldn't be suitable or desirable for others, and that's okay!

Grewupinafield Thu 18-Jun-15 10:50:52

You're not being unreasonable.

I had a terrible birth with ds1 which meant I had to have a c section with ds2 and I kept it quiet because people were so negative about c sections. Saying I should just do it naturally. Not consideration of the fact I couldn't!!

People need to be respectful. The main priority is having a healthy baby, no matter how it's delivered!!

LashesandLipstick Thu 18-Jun-15 10:52:35

Ollie I'm planning an ELC. I don't mind you asking! My reasons are severe anxiety relating to feeling out of control in hospital proceedures and I also have a higher risk of needing an EMC or forceps due to a physical problem. I am terrified of either of those as I would feel completely helpless and terrified. So for me, best option is to just plan a cesarean, and it be a calm proceedure where I know what's happening. It wasn't an easy decision, but I feel happy with my choice!

flora717 Thu 18-Jun-15 10:54:15

Yes. It sucks. Prepare to ignore. Ignore. Ignore. The more you can do that, the smoother the ride (yes, children will still cause you sleepless nights, worry and confuse. But at least you will not tie yourself in knots trying to take on contradictory advice).

LashesandLipstick Thu 18-Jun-15 10:54:15

Grewup agree, it's especially annoying when people who don't know your history or reasons try to talk you out of what is a very informed decision

ollieplimsoles Thu 18-Jun-15 10:57:02

Well theres absolutely nothing wrong there OP- You carry on what you are doing. You are doing whats best for you and your baby and thats the main thing! I think its disgusting when people try to insinuate that a C section is some sort of 'cop- out' there are loads of reasons to have a c section, either EMCS or a planned, it can happen to anyone and it saves lives. that should be enough for people.

It got to me most about what MIL said because I know if I do need to be transferred to hospital for whatever reason (and its not uncommon) She will have a total air of 'I told you so' about her and say we should of listened to her in the first place. She will make me feel like a total failure.

Purringkittenmama Thu 18-Jun-15 10:58:18

Grew- Of course having a healthy baby is the main priority. But this comment is usually used as an excuse to make women feel bad about the choices they make. Want a home birth? Possibly more risky, main priority having a healthy baby so don't even think about it.
Had a really bad/ traumatic experience? Why are you moaning, you have a healthy baby. Women's feelings are also important and everyone should be supported, IMO, to have the birth which is right for them.

LashesandLipstick Thu 18-Jun-15 11:00:07

Ollie I hope you don't take what she says to heart, no one has "failed" in their birth! It upsets me when people make women feel like that. I have a couple of family members who love to talk to me like a child and assume because they're older than me they automatically know best. Smug bastards. Good luck with your birth

DoJo Thu 18-Jun-15 11:00:15

It's odd - I didn't experience a single comment on my choices, nor has anyone I know experienced any negativity. Who is commenting on your choices OP? If it's family, then I think you just have to be firm, tell them that you are not prepared to discuss it with anyone who isn't medically qualified and that you would prefer them to keep their thoughts to themselves. If it's friends, then it's worth considering whether they are good enough friends to put up with their ill informed thoughts on something that is essentially hugely personal.

Twodogsandahooch Thu 18-Jun-15 11:00:57

Goodness who are these people?

I have had 2 sections (one emergency and one elective) and have not received a single negative comment.

knowsaymuhfuh Thu 18-Jun-15 11:04:53

Not everyone is pro choice.

I find it fascinating that a long-standing and quite fierce debate is being spun as a consensus, and am watching to see how people adjust or fall silent to follow suit - a quite well understood and (on a smaller scale) well studied phenomenon is being exploited. it's like a mass experiment happening before us.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand, YANBU at all OP, this infuriates me, too.

Twodogsandahooch Thu 18-Jun-15 11:05:36

agree Dojo. I can't imagine any of my friends criticising anyone's birth preferences. It just wouldn't be done. We would be more concerned about how we were going to celebrate the new arrival.

LashesandLipstick Thu 18-Jun-15 11:06:01

DoJo, some relatives and some acquaintances. I think they think they're being helpful by offering advice but it's really not wanted and comes over very rude. I've had comments such as "You don't have to believe the consultant, I had a ventouse and it was fine!" hmm

When discussing how annoyed it makes me, others have told me the same happened to them regarding their own birth choices, that are different to mine, and I'm fed up with people doing it

ollieplimsoles Thu 18-Jun-15 11:14:58

Thanks OP, you to! I'm sure we will both me fine!

She is older and therefore (she thinks) wiser. She works at the hospital administration, but she acts like shes a fully qualified consultant sometimes.

FWIW the midwives are totally behind it, and my mum is really supportive too, and my DH so thats something.

LashesandLipstick Thu 18-Jun-15 11:20:12

Ollie, those people are the worst! If your midwives are supportive, and your family, then go for it smile

I had originally wanted a MLU, but I was told that I wouldn't be allowed due to the physical problems I have. I trust that my healthcare team know and understand what they're doing, and to me, the ELC is preferable to a traumatic VB (my mum had one and never had any other kids it was that bad). For some reason, some people still feel the need to tell me I should "try". :hmm:

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd Thu 18-Jun-15 11:24:21

I have met people asking me why I chose ELCS with my second. Not being smartasses or anything, just curious.
One friend of a friend was like "but vaginal birth is so much easier". I pointed out that if it's so much easier, why she struggled to walk straight 8 weeks after birth and I was walking normally after 4 days? And was told on day 10 by MW that we can have sex, so we actually did on day 12

ollieplimsoles Thu 18-Jun-15 11:26:09

They really are.. My friend has had two ELCs because she has a heart condition, but lovely births, lovely healthy babies and a happy mum- and shes a fully qualified midwife!

I think that anyone who goes through their pregnancy without any eye brow raising over their choices/ negative comments is VERY lucky!

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd Thu 18-Jun-15 11:27:04

Sorry, forgot to make a point in previous postblush
Apart from her, there hasn't been any judging from anyone. I've been lucky, I suppose.

LashesandLipstick Thu 18-Jun-15 11:30:09

Ollie glad your friend and her babies were okay! Me too, I'm lucky in that no one's been really pushy and it's just comments, I don't know what it is about parenting that drives people to be so rude!

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom Thu 18-Jun-15 11:30:28

My auntie told me when I was pregnant with no.1 that a mothers place is in the wrong. She meant that, once you accept that someone will judge every choice, you can cease to give a shit about other people's opinions! grin

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