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My Grandson.

(54 Posts)
candygs Thu 18-Jun-15 10:31:00

My GS who is 3years 6 months is becoming overweight, he weighs 18kg and is 98cms tall. My DIL is a great and devoted mum, I am impressed by her aside from how she (and my son) feed my GS. It all started so well, he was EBF then at 6 months they introduced BLW, however in the last year or so his healthy diet seems to have been largely replaced by what I can only describe as rubbish, chips very frequently, sausages at least twice a week all smothered in ketchup, sugary cereals, cake, crisps etc etc. I get on well with my DIL, she is very confident in her parenting and has never asked for my advice over anything, I am not an overbearing MIL and have told her on many occasions how lovely a Mum I think she is, my GS is gorgeous, happy, chatty, interesting and interested, I adore him and am lucky to live fairly near and see him frequently.

My DIL is overweight by about 3 stone, her parents are both overweight, her only brother is overweight and his daughter of 13 years is overweight (resulting in health problems) My son is not overweight nor is anyone else on "our side" of the family.

My dilemma is whether I should say anything to my son, who I know would tell my DIL, I do not want to risk my good relationship with them but I feel worried that my wonderful little GS will face problems caused by obesity, I am concerned that my DIL sees it as normal because of her family who she is very close to.

So advise me please, would IBU to raise my concerns.

ollieplimsoles Thu 18-Jun-15 10:35:17

I am impressed by her This made me go hmm op but never mind, moving on...

I do see where you are coming from, but I really don't know how you would handle it. Obviously if her entire family are over weight then they must know they have a problem with their diets. Unless they think it 'runs in the family'

Also, you seem to know quite a bit about your DILs family and their obesity related health problems, also 'over weight by about 3 stone' is very specific, has your DIL spoken to you before about her concerns over her own weight?

xiaozhu Thu 18-Jun-15 10:35:24

As a MIL, it's better NEVER to give childcare advice to your children. Even if you're asked for it.

FeijoaSundae Thu 18-Jun-15 10:35:38

Eek. I don't think YABU at all, but I have absolutely zero idea how you would raise this.

I also suspect you are going to get a very, very hard time on here so I'm handing you a tin hat in advance.

scratchandsniff Thu 18-Jun-15 10:40:07

This is a really difficult one. I'm not sure how you could go about it without upsetting and potentially upsetting DIL. I think I'd leave it if I was you. Once he starts school she will have to be more mindful of what goes in his lunch box so that might make her think about what he eats. Also if he gets weighed like they do now it will likely get brought to their attention then, if he is deemed to be overweight.

At that age I find they're constantly asking for food. DS would snack all day long if I let him.

scratchandsniff Thu 18-Jun-15 10:40:50

Meant to say upsetting and potentially *alienating

SpringTown46 Thu 18-Jun-15 10:41:54

Yes. His weight will be picked up on by health visitors/nursery/school if it is indeed an issue.That is the point at which you can a (kindly) opinion - if it is asked for. I don't think his height and weight are out of range btw.

candygs Thu 18-Jun-15 10:44:04

Yes my DIL has talked to me about her weight and worries about it, she is frequently on a diet. I am friendly with her family and they are overweight, her Dad has type 2 diabetes.

I am impressed with my DIL, she does some great stuff with my GS, she is very patient with him, very loving.

Goshthatsspicy Thu 18-Jun-15 10:46:18

I think, to keep on friendly terms - you'd better keep quiet.
YANBU though.
It must be difficult to see something, and not be able to do/say anything.

TorrAlexandra Thu 18-Jun-15 10:47:32

My Mum made a comment to my former SIL about my eldest niece's weight (she is a lot bigger than a 12 year-old ought to be). FSIL, and my bro, both completely lost their shit. My brother especially will absolutely not be told how to parent his children, even if it's the mildest advice. I'd keep schtum if I were you, and maybe offer to take the kid swimming once a week or something so you at least know he's getting some exercise!!

Floralnomad Thu 18-Jun-15 10:48:52

It's a shame you are not overweight as frankly the only way I can see how you can tackle this without offending / upsetting someone would be if you could say to your DIL that you need someone to go to weight watchers or some other slimming class with you and would she like to join you .

scratchandsniff Thu 18-Jun-15 10:49:44

Just had a look in DS 'red book' - according to the centile chart he is just under 91st centile for weight/age. So, by no means off the scale and probably no real cause for concern for now.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes Thu 18-Jun-15 10:50:25

Tbh I don't think you can say anything without it going down like a lead ballon but isn't your son just as responsible for what your grand child eats? maybe approach him

Maybe cooking isn't a skill she has gained. What about buying her a slow cooker and saying you seen some great easy meals ideas (some fab groups on fb)

gotthemoononastick Thu 18-Jun-15 10:51:03

OP please say absolutely nothing! As my long gone Dmil said to me:

'Just stand back and watch'.

You are too involved with her family's weight/ lifestyle and believe me they are probably fully aware of what you think of them.

knowsaymuhfuh Thu 18-Jun-15 10:51:51

I think all the stuff that sounds positive is probably just fluff, and that you want our approval to interfere in a family that might not want your interference.

Perhaps I am wrong, if so I'm sorry, but frankly beak out YABU.

ollieplimsoles Thu 18-Jun-15 10:52:09

Yes my DIL has talked to me about her weight and worries about it, she is frequently on a diet. I am friendly with her family and they are overweight, her Dad has type 2 diabetes.

Sounds like she trusts you and you have a good relationship, but still difficult to know how they would both react if you brought it up. I like the idea of taking him on an activity once a week or something, like swimming or to the park, so he gets a good exercise with you!

Lilicat1013 Thu 18-Jun-15 10:54:19

I think it would be impossible to bring this up without it ending badly, unfortunately you will have to wait until it is brought up when he gets weighed at school.

In the mean time maybe you could suggest an activity for him, my son does toddler football there is lots of running around in that. You could offer to take him and make the suggestion on the basis of giving them some childfree time.

AnathemaPratchett Thu 18-Jun-15 10:57:07

Is he really overweight? My dd is a similar age, also 18kg but a smidge taller at 101cm - and you can easily see her ribs and backbone. In fact she was worryingly thin until she had a course if oral steroids recently and put on a couple of pounds! So there is only a couple of pounds in it...

PrettyObvious Thu 18-Jun-15 11:00:18

Your DIL probably doesn't know how to cook properly and is replicating what she was fed as a child. Of course, you cannot say what your GS eats when you are not around.
As previous posters have said, this would be very difficult to bring up with your DIL, so cannot offer any constructive advice other than inviting them round for "healthy" meals?

EllenJanethickerknickers Thu 18-Jun-15 11:03:48

Just plugged the data into a child BMI calculator and he's well into obese for his age, 98% for BMI for his age of 3y6m. sad

EllenJanethickerknickers Thu 18-Jun-15 11:05:23

nccd.cdc.gov/dnpabmi/ResultGraph.aspx?age=42&gender=1&ht=98&wt=18&method=1&dob=12/4/2011&dom=6/8/2015&inchtext=&wttext=&pagetype=graph

AnathemaPratchett Thu 18-Jun-15 11:08:19

sad just checked my DDs red book - she's 16kg not 18! Sorry

MyFirstFire Thu 18-Jun-15 11:18:56

With respect, you have no idea what is going on between your DS and DDIL. Trying to be supportive of a partner with long-term weight worries, who of course you love and adore but want to encourage to be healthy, is SO HARD. Especially if kids are influenced by their habits too, or they bulk up kids portion sizes because subconsciously they feel a bit less guilty then about their own plate. I speak from experience. You don't know what is going on behind closed doors in their house so please don't interfere.
Nothing wrong with you offering to take DGS to do some exercise - dressing it up as 'I don't want to be a boring granny so thought he'd enjoy swimming/football/etc rather than just sitting round with me' as pp have suggested.

Hippymama1 Thu 18-Jun-15 11:20:26

I would mind your own business Candy...

Saying anything to your DS or DIL could have a significant negative impact on your currently good relationship with them and your GS.

Also, you are very conscious of the weight of a small child - are you usually conscious of weight and appearance? It could be me being sensitive, (My weight obsessed MIL once called one of her other grandchildren 'overweight' at 8 months!) but I really think that there are worse things than being a bit chubby at 3, particularly if everything else is great for him, he is a lovely child and he has such a great relationship with his parents.

Children grow up at different rates and some children are chubbier than others at different times. While I am not saying that something doesn't need to be done for your GS, I am not sure that you are the person to point it out and as PPs have said, it will get picked up by his GP and also when he goes to school.

yoursfan Thu 18-Jun-15 11:26:58

You seem to have a very unhealthy interest in other peoples' weights, OP. My father is just like you. Constant comments on weight of people in the street, on the telly... The weights of your DIL and family are absolutely none of your business and honestly, your speculation on the specifics makes me wonder if perhaps you don't have a skewed view of what a normal weight is and whether your GS isn't overweight at all.

Also, why are you "blaming" your DIL? Your son is just as responsible, if there is an issue.

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