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Would IBU to say something?

(12 Posts)
TheseAreTheDays Wed 17-Jun-15 16:48:51

Background first - poor relationship with my mother due to her constantly being overly critical, interfering and very negative from childhood through to today. Acts the saint in front of others but has v difficult relationship,to differing degrees,with each of her own children.

She was visiting at the weekend with another family member. After they left I noticed that a head had been broken off a little clay figurine I have - I lost a baby boy in late missed miscarriage last year and got this personalized item on Etsy. I keep it out of reach of my toddler and out of her sight so she can't see it and want it. It's not a toy,I have shown it to mother before and she is aware of significance of it,though really I don't think she cares. She always snoops in things,she thinks because she is my mother she has the right to look through post,re-organise drawers so I can't find things in my own house etc so I'm 95% sure it was her and not other family member. I'm guessing she was ssnooping around,took that out and either dropped it herself or gave it to toddler who then broke it. She then picked it up,hid it behind a photo and said nothing. It would have had to be dropped a distance for head to snap straight off so no way she brushed against it and was unaware that it broke. I am so angry and upset. That she snooped. That she broke it. And that she hid it. WIBU to confront her on this? And what do I say? I know she will try turn it on me,she's an expert at playing martyr!

TheseAreTheDays Wed 17-Jun-15 16:52:51

Sorry,to be clear,its a little figurine to remember my son by,a little Angel figure with wings has stars in his hands and is showing them to another child - supposed to represent son who I lost playing with my toddler. Sounds tacky but I got it just days after I had him and it gives me comfort to picture him still being around. blush

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 17-Jun-15 17:01:56

It doesn't sound tacky, it has a significant meaning to you and she knew it. You would not be unreasonable to say something, although I doubt she will react with any remorse.

sliceofsoup Wed 17-Jun-15 17:13:13

Personally, I think you shouldn't say anything, because you are not going to get the reaction from her that you want or deserve. That may upset you more.

You are not being unreasonable in any way though.

8angle Wed 17-Jun-15 17:21:04

I am so sorry for your loss.

You would be perfectly reasonable to confront her if you wanted to.

I would not confront her, not because she doesn't deserve it, but because it will probably upset you more and as others have said, you are unlikely to hear a heartfelt apology.

icelollycraving Wed 17-Jun-15 17:24:19

So sorry for your loss.
I'd probably say that you were upset as you found something was broken & you can't imagine who would have touched it. PA I know but I suspect she will simply change the subject. flowers

badg3r Wed 17-Jun-15 17:27:18

You poor thing, it doesn't sound tacky at all, it's a really significant symbol for you. It depends what you want to achieve by telling her. It sounds like she would probably deny it. How would you feel then? Is it important to you that she knows you are aware what she did?

Do you think she will look to check it next time she visits? I would be tempted to leave a note/photo where she hid it saying you know what she did and you were heartbroken (without naming names). But maybe that's a bit passive aggressive...

IDontDoIroning Wed 17-Jun-15 17:27:19

You could consider saying something as a way of informing her you have found the figurine wher it was hidden and you know it's broken and it happened today. You should accept that she will probably deny seeing or touching it let alone knowing anything about the damage. But she will know you know it was her and you will know she knows.

Tangerineandturquoise Wed 17-Jun-15 17:47:27

If she was going to acknowledge the significance of it the way you want her to, she would have said something, so I agree with slice sometimes the hardest thing is accepting the relationship we have with our parents isn't the one we crave
You could say you can't find it and see if she owns up? But you probably still wont get the reaction or admittance you want, but may get satisfaction from her fessing up, sadly though if she denies it you may end up feeling even worse.

RiderOfDragons Wed 17-Jun-15 17:58:52

YANBU OP. I'm sorry she's behaved in this way and not had the balls to actual admit to it. I don't think she'll ever admit to breaking it and she will try to turn it around on you. All you could do is tell her 'I know you broke my figurine. You should know that meant a lot to me and I'm very upset you didn't admit it. I don't want to discuss it or argue with you about, I know you won't admit to it now if you wouldn't then. I just want to make it clear that I'm aware and unimpressed.'

ImprobableBee Wed 17-Jun-15 18:45:36

Sorry to hear this.

Are you my sister? If yes, go no contact. If no, please consider it anyway. 'Mothers' like this are not mothers, not worth your grief.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 17-Jun-15 18:49:37

Not tacky at all, I have 3 little crystal angels for similar reasons and would be very upset if they got broken. thanks

I would ask her if she knows anything about how it got broken. To her face so she can't bluff. But regardless of how she answers (unless it's a heartfelt and shamefaced apology) I wouldn't bother much with her either.

Do you have all the pieces, can you mend him? So very sorry for your loss, and for this secondary "loss" of your memento for your baby. sad

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