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DP makes it sound like he hopes I fail. AIB too sensitive??

(52 Posts)
Marilynz Wed 17-Jun-15 07:32:34

Last night I said to DP "it's my results day tomorrow" (I'm 8 weeks from finishing my degree and qualifying). His immediate response was "oh! What if you fail, then it's game over!"
Jeez, thanks.
He's done this a few times, like when I try and big up our future post qualifying he's responded with "yeah well, you've not passed yet have you". Etc etc. it's not like I have a history of failing everything either, it just comes across like he wants me to! Or am I just bring too sensitive?

NobodyLivesHere Wed 17-Jun-15 07:39:30

My dad is like this. Negative and looking for the bad before it's happened. It grinds my gears. Yanbu

FenellaFellorick Wed 17-Jun-15 07:43:08

Have you asked him why he is being so negative? Along the lines of "that sounds like you expect me to fail. Why is that? "
Sometimes it's best to be very direct.

What's he like generally? Negative? Doesn't get his hopes up?
Pessimists can only be pleasantly surprised, as they say. Is it possible he thinks he is trying to prepare for the worst outcome so whatever happens you're prepared for the worst? Or maybe he is a jealous negative person who envys success in others and likes to stick the boot in.
Only you know. What do you think his motivation is?

Is he jealous because you'll be more qualified than him once you pass?

Cancookdontcook Wed 17-Jun-15 07:50:49

It sounds like he can't be happy for you or wants to bring you down a peg or two.

I find it sad that sometimes the people closest to us are the ones who do that.

Marilynz Wed 17-Jun-15 07:53:00

He is the higher earner (and always will be unless something drastic happens to his job) but he doesn't have a degree education. Maybe that's his issue.
He's hinted in the past that he's concerned I'll bugger off and leave him once I'm qualified but I reassured him and thought he'd got over all that stupidness. He swears he didn't mean anything by last night's comment and that he was only joking but IMO it shows there is still an issue there and I'm sick to death of it.

Icimoi Wed 17-Jun-15 08:00:01

Is he superstitious? I must admit I never talk in advance about what might happen if I pass an exam, get a job I'm applying for or whatever, nor indeed do I publicise when I'll get the results, because I have a stupid superstition that I might jinx it.

Good luck with the results OP, I have massive respect for people who combine degree courses with family life.

pinkyredrose Wed 17-Jun-15 09:10:36

Sounds like he's insecure.

Pumpkinpositive Wed 17-Jun-15 09:12:48

Have you posted about this before? Scenario sounds familiar.

SylvaniansAtEase Wed 17-Jun-15 09:20:43

You smile and say 'You know, insecurity is soooo unattractive'.

That's what the problem is.

Don't put up with it - be blunt.

'I'm sick to death of the jibes, DP. You know how you said you were afraid I'd run off with someone else once I'd qualified? Well, just so you know, the only thing which would be likely to spell the end of our relationship is the fact that I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with a jealous, insecure idiot. You earn more than me: I'm not so fragile and pathetic that I need to make ridiculous comments to make myself feel ok about it - I am ok about it and I'm mature and secure enough to feel happy and supportive when you do well. Sadly, you clearly aren't at that stage of development yet - do you think you should try to be? All your jibes do is scream insecurity and while they piss me off, most of all they make me not quite be able to imagine a great future with you. So have a think about that.'

ggggllll Wed 17-Jun-15 09:21:47

Yeah, I am the PMA one in our relationship, and DP is unconsciously looking for the resignation speech right in the middle of doing anything - would totally say something like this.

It drives me absolutely mad! YANBU

IsabellaofFrance Wed 17-Jun-15 09:24:51

He sounds like he is worried that being qualified may mean you don't need his as much, and that he likes you to depend on him.

IsabellaofFrance Wed 17-Jun-15 09:25:30

And good luck today, hope you get great results!

DoJo Wed 17-Jun-15 11:38:32

I agree with a PP - I never count my chickens and am really wary about 'getting my hopes' up. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised by a good outcome than disappointed by a bad one. When I was pregnant with my son, I waited until I was about 5 months to tell some people - I just don't like to celebrate until the deal is done!

BettyCatKitten Wed 17-Jun-15 11:47:55

Yanbu, he is insecure. I hope you get brilliant results and do a victory dance infront of himgrin

TravellingHopefully12 Wed 17-Jun-15 12:18:39

I agree with all the posters who say he is insecure. It's really difficult to live with someone like that - someone who has such a negative view of life that it's damaging to your dreams and aspirations, which are really precious to you. It's awful (have previously been in a situation where I felt I had to hide away my dreams/ambitions from someone because the person will somehow diminish them - almost contaminate them, if that makes sense?)

Is he always like this? I think it needs addressing, or you need to find some way to protect your ambitions from him, not something you should have to do with a DP though IMO.

I hope you've done excellently. You sound dedicated and interested in your degree so I am sure you have done OK xx

Please let us know how you got on! Hope you did well and got what you needed.

suchafuss Wed 17-Jun-15 13:21:40

Last year I met with an old friend and told them that I was retaking my GCSE in maths and they told me I hadn't a cat in hells chance of passing at 46 years old. Although it pissed me off it did in fact spur me on, and I passed. Don't let him rain on your parade and best of luck with your results.

Topseyt Wed 17-Jun-15 13:29:34

Sounds like insecurity in a way, although that said, I am very much in the camp of never counting my chickens before hatched.

I'll wish you good luck. I hope you get the results you need.

NorahDentressangle Wed 17-Jun-15 13:44:18

Just tell him.
Say if he's so negative you won't bother speaking to him. He prob doesn't realize how selfish he is being.

Georgethesecond Wed 17-Jun-15 13:47:51

I agree with other posters, he sounds insecure and only you know whether he has enough good qualities to outweigh that issue.

Socalled Wed 17-Jun-15 14:04:16

My mother is a bit like this, and though she wouldn't say explicitly to you what your husband did, she would be visibly thinking it, assuming it was more likely you would fail, praying novenas and preparing her 'Ah, well, we can't all be clever' platitudes. It's entirely to do with her inability to realise that her family are separate to her, and don't necessarily share in her 'can't do' attitude. The odd thing is that shes actually far happier with failure, and has always appeared to be rather embarrassed by her children's successes...

It is exhausting to be around, though.

8angle Wed 17-Jun-15 14:04:41

Good luck with your results!

Being generous, maybe he is trying to manage your expectations in case you are disappointed - admittedly in a particularly tactless manner.

Given there appears to be more of a history of this kind of thing, it sounds like he is insecure about you having a better education and qualifications than he has. Maybe he really does fear you leaving him once you are qualified, it's pretty standard to say something you mean and then when questioned backtrack t "I was only joking".

I am sure you will do well in your results, and this will lead to new opportunities and changes in your lives. I would sit down and discuss this once it all becomes a reality, it is much easier to discuss a real situation than a hypothetical.

Gottagetmoving Wed 17-Jun-15 14:15:08

He swears he didn't mean anything by last night's comment and that he was only joking but IMO it shows there is still an issue there and I'm sick to death of it

Then tell him you are! and have a calm quiet talk about the whole thing!

Bogeyface Wed 17-Jun-15 15:31:28

I am another "lets wait until it happens before we get excited".

I dont know why, it does almost feel jinxy and although I probably wouldnt have said what he said I probably would come across as being negative because I equally wouldnt be saying anything particularly enthusiastic either.

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