To tell a white lie to DC?

(103 Posts)
Happyyellowcar Tue 16-Jun-15 07:18:18

This weekend I am taking DD (7months) on the train to visit my parents who live 300 miles away. DS1&2 (5&3) are staying with DH and having a boys weekend involving bbq's and bacon butties. I've done this twice since having DD and have told the boys I am visiting Aunty "X" who is a family friend rather than my parents. This is because DS's love to visit their grandparents and I feel they would be really upset if they knew I was taking DD and leaving them behind. We are all traveling up in the summer hols but I can't take DS1 as he has school and I don't like splitting up DS's as they are so close and have so much fun together. DH wants to tell them the truth as he doesn't like lying to them which I don't either but I really don't want to upset them unnecessarily either. AIBU?

FarFromAnyRoad Tue 16-Jun-15 07:22:18

I'm afraid I couldn't get morally or ethically exercised about telling a bit of a fib to a child in a situation like this. It's up to you, of course, but you'd have to face the fallout if you tell them the truth which they really do not need to know. It's not really 'lying' to them in the sense that it's a big life-changing lie is it? You just tell them the story and off they toddle - hopefully happily. Too much navel gazing about this kind of thing.

tryingtocatchthewind Tue 16-Jun-15 07:22:47

It's not straightforward really is it. At three I wouldn't bother causing a tantrum but I think your five year old would cope especially as you just tell him the reason and wrap it up with how great his boys weekend will be. A little lie won't hurt either though. Sorry on the fence a bit

Howmanywotwots Tue 16-Jun-15 07:26:54

I wouldn't worry about it I'm sure parents tell white lies to kids all the time to get an easier life

Happyyellowcar Tue 16-Jun-15 07:32:07

The problem is DH feels really strongly about telling them as he doesn't like sneaking around behind their backs and I feel really strongly about NOT telling them as I know how upset they would be. I also worry they will feel I'm showing favouritism to DD when it's more to do with practicalities really.

ollieplimsoles Tue 16-Jun-15 07:36:20

For now, I wouldn't tell them. They have a nice weekend with their dad planned and you have already said they would be upset, its hard to explain to a 3 year old especially that what you are doing isn't favouritism. I'm surprised they are not more upset about the idea of you going on your own anywhere with just dd tbh. How do they take that? (not judging btw I think its a good idea!)

chickenfuckingpox Tue 16-Jun-15 07:36:39

if he wants to tell them let him because its him that will be dealing with the fallout not you

Georgethesecond Tue 16-Jun-15 07:37:32

It's a judgement call for now. But when they are older it will have to stop I think. Have a lovely trip!

LittleMissRayofHope Tue 16-Jun-15 07:38:28

Are you going to tell them that the last 2 times you lied?
Because that's a massive lesson to your 5 yr old of 'do as I do, not as I say' as you will be admitting that you already lied to him twice. I'm guessing your trying to teach him that lying is wrong?

You have already done the 'sneaking around' as far as I can tell.
Not saying that in a judgy way but just making the point.

I wouldn't even consider that a 'lie'.
I often tell dd (2.11) little fibs like this I guess as it makes my life easier and doesn't cause her any distress.

ClearEyesFullHearts Tue 16-Jun-15 07:39:04

Lying is such a pain in the arse. Just tell them.

Delphine31 Tue 16-Jun-15 07:41:24

I think honesty is the best policy here.

The boys' weekend sounds fab and even if they're disappointed not to be going with you that should be enough consolation.

It's probably unlikely, but if somehow they accidently found out their absolute trust in you would be shaken as would their view on whether telling lies is acceptable.

On another note, we all have to deal with disappointments in life, even from quite a young age. They have to get used to that annoying fact in life.

I can see that your approach is the kindest in the short term but possibly not in the long run.

DamsonInDistress Tue 16-Jun-15 07:47:06

It may be simply a practicality to you but at 5 my elder ds would have been genuinely hurt and upset at being left behind. He would simply have seen that mummy didn't want to take him and that granny and grandad didn't want to have him, and therefore he must have done something wrong. Its also about the fall out from a simple slip of the tongue. What happens if your dh says something like 'Not now but but we can do it when mum gets back from granny's' It's fine for you but it's your dh who's having to watch his every step for two whole days.

I guess I don't really understand why you want to split the family this way, it's not something I'd do if it was going to cause such upset. Why can't you all actually go? 300 miles isn't that far and you could do it after school Friday and come back after bed time Sunday if the boys are keen to see their grandparents.

Also have you got Skype on your computers? We live 150 miles from ours but got Skype when our eldest was born and we Skype weekly now, it's really helped our boys tbh.

tumbletumble Tue 16-Jun-15 07:47:40

If you and DH agreed then I would say YANBU, but as he feels strongly then I think he has to 'win' this one. You can't really justify forcing him to tell a lie!

Shodan Tue 16-Jun-15 08:01:19

I'd probably just tell the truth tbh, but 'sell' it as 'Daddy really wants a boys' weekend with just you two, so dd and I are going to go to granny and grandpa's for the weekend'. Then tell them about all the exciting things Daddy has planned for them.

timeforabrewnow Tue 16-Jun-15 08:08:33

I'd tell the truth. ^^What Delphine31 says.

A white lie is saying 'I love your new haircut' to a friend to be polite.

Ragwort Tue 16-Jun-15 08:15:13

Agree with Shodan's suggestion - and why make such a big deal out of it? Does a 5 year old really ask exactly where you are going? My DS would have just been delighted to have a weekend with Dad at that age.

And why on earth would you need to Skype each other if you are only away for the weekend. confused - it's hardly as if you are going to the other side of the world. And it's not 'splitting' the family - no family need to be together 24/7 - it is healthy for family members to spend time apart and for children to realise that their parents would like to spend quality time with their own parents without children around sometimes IYSWIM. I frequently go to see my own parents (now elderly) without dragging everyone there.

AlternativeTentacles Tue 16-Jun-15 08:15:22

We are all traveling up in the summer hols but I can't take DS1 as he has school

What? How can he have school in the summer holidays?

00100001 Tue 16-Jun-15 08:15:48

Good idea shodan.

Tell then that way smile

undoubtedly Tue 16-Jun-15 08:19:34

I don't see any problem in lying in this case.

Lying to avoid a tantrum is a perfectly valid reason. When DS is going for his nap I often say I'll be doing "boring jobs" instead of sitting on the sofa watching TV and eating chocolate.

Makes for an easier life and he'll never find out!

TheFairyCaravan Tue 16-Jun-15 08:26:05

It'll come out in the end, somehow. Lies like this always do. You must be prepared to deal with the fallout from that.

undoubtedly Tue 16-Jun-15 08:29:22

So what if it does?

"Mummy you went to Grandma's without telling me!"

"Yes darling but you had fun with Daddy didn't you?"

"oh yes...."

Non event.

Happyyellowcar Tue 16-Jun-15 08:30:18

alternative I meant DS1 can't come this weekend because of school but we are all going in the summer hols.
damson there is a big difference between 150and 300 miles when you start factoring in feeding a baby every 3 hours...I don't tend to visit my parents for the weekend as its at least a 5hr journey by car but much longer when you have to stop for tea etc (it took 11hrs once due to traffic jams and having to stop for feeds). I don't want to be traveling half of Friday and half of Sunday especially when DS1 has school on Monday. We would all be very grumpy and tired tbh. Why am I splitting the family? Well I can take DD on the train no bother and feed and change her as I go for a start and I don't get to see my parents much as they don't like to travel. The boys do always have a great time too. As for DH dealing with the fallout well actually I would feel terrible if the boys were upset to the point where I'm not sure I could actually bring myself to go even though we have booked tickets.

littlejohnnydory Tue 16-Jun-15 08:40:46

I wouldn't lie. I'd emphasise how good their weekend is going to be and tell them when they're next going to see their grandparents. Either that or I'd take them with me if I felt that bad about it.

I wonder whether those saying 'lie to avoid a tantrum' will be happy for their older dc to lie to avoid a parental tantrum! The problem with lying to dc is that they'll never know whether to rely on what you tell them.

tiggytape Tue 16-Jun-15 08:45:13

The problem is DH feels really strongly about telling them as he doesn't like sneaking around behind their backs and I feel really strongly about NOT telling them as I know how upset they would be.
YABU but only because it is DH who will be forced to lie mostly not you and because he is the one who feels uncomfortable about that. He's the one being left behind to field any questions:
"What time is mummy back from Aunty X?" "Can we ring mummy at Aunty X's house" "Where will the baby sleep at Aunty X's house?" etc
Any question they ask requires another lie - not big lies but it's all pretty unnecessary.

Lying to avoid a tantrum is a perfectly valid reason. When DS is going for his nap I often say I'll be doing "boring jobs" instead of sitting on the sofa watching TV and eating chocolate.
I don't agree it is O.K to lie just to avoid tantrums either. It is either lazy or a bad habit to get into because it involves taking the easy way out rather than (depending on what the circumstances are) just stating what will happen: "you need a nap now but when you wake up we will play cars and go in the garden."

sparklewater Tue 16-Jun-15 08:57:10

I'm another vote for telling the truth. Can you tell your eldest separately, position it as if you're afraid his brother won't get it and ask him to be super enthusiastic about the boys weekend? Or just say that you won't enjoy the boys weekend so you're going to see your mum instead. There are loads of ways to impart the information without it being a negative thing smile

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