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To think I should be able to cope with life and not know where to start to make it better

(25 Posts)
NestMaker Mon 15-Jun-15 16:14:43

I firmly believe I'm responsible for my own path in life but I'm at the point where I can't see the wood for the trees any more.

I'm a SAHM with a 2.3y DD and 10m DS and know I should be so grateful but every day is so hard. I want to turn it around myself but it seems so overwhelming and obstacles seem to crop up at every attempt.

I have no friends or family to get advice from and DH just says to rest but nothing gets done if I do. AIBU to ask what you suggest I tackle first?

I have no idea how to manage the pain of blocked ducts since I stopped BFing 10 days ago. I can't get any reply from any of the local and national helplines (or the MN topic).I can't hold my children so struggling to get the baby to nap sad

I feel absolutely shit still after picking up V&D nearly two weeks ago, like I'm floating or constantly drunk.

Do I sort out DSs napping? If I get him to sleep in the pushchair at home DD screams so loudly orpokes him that he wakes up in a foul mood (understandably) and won't go back to sleep. I can't put him in his cot during the day as I have to keep an eye on DD as she destroys things in seconds ifjust pop upstairs.

Do I sort DDs behaviour, I've asked the HV for advice and her two year check but they don't get back to me. I'm sick of chasing. I told them I'm not coping and need some input but nothing. I get so angry with DD when she's really not bad but she does need constant supervision (rough with DS, constantly pushing boundaries, runs off when we're out etc). Because of this I can't get any household stuff done in the day so have tI do it all once they've gone to bed so not getting much sleep.

Should I try and sort out my mental health, it's been crap since I was about 14. I've had CBT for PND and birth trauma with DD but can't seem to find any "me time" to go through all my paperwork again. I've just had to go cold turkey from my Paroxetine as the GP receptionist would allow my normal two minute telephone appointment with the GP to re-prescribe (it's not on repeat and I was only given four weeks worth at a time) so I ran out of tablets. I'm actually really fucking fuming about this but don't know whether to make a fuss as if all the other things in my life were sorted I would be in this God awful sleep deprived depressive state.

I'm 35, supposedly a grown up, how the fuck do I get on top of things. I feel like sobbing for my mum and I don't even like her grin

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and able to get themselves back on an even keel?

Also AIBU to want to punch the next person who tells me it only gets harder and to be ridiculously jealous of people who have family who are willing to help hmm

andyourlittledogtoo Mon 15-Jun-15 16:37:06

Ok first OP big hugs and cake!! Sounds like you are coping admirably under the strain of lots of competing pressures!! My first priority here would be to get on phone to Dr's again and insist on getting paroxetine sorted - withdrawal symptoms can be quite disorienting (stopping cold turkey not advised) and so making sure you have supply sorted is key. Have taken them myself in past and know from experience that going cold turkey results in v weird symptoms - whooshing sensations, agitation, irritation, weepiness!! Get on the phone and make a fuss - they should not have let you down on this.

RunnerHasbeen Mon 15-Jun-15 17:59:47

Make a list and break things down into small chunks. Start with making a GP appointment to sort out both your prescription and milk ducts (check for mastitis, for example).

Then I would be trying to get your DD to have some quiet time each day, jigsaws, stickers etc. Things that she will be able to do herself after a few times. Perhaps childproof her room and put her best toys in there so you can put her in there to play unsupervised while you settle DS/ have a break when it is too much. Reward her hugely when she is calm and quiet so you can put DS down. "I've got a new sticker book we can di together but only if DS is asleep, so lets be quiet for a wee while," that sort of thing. Maybe look at local playgroups she can go to as well

Lastly I would try and ask for some help from friends. I think you will be surprised how willing people are to help when you are having such a tough time.

So my list would be: doctor, small breaks from DD attention wise, building support and giving myself a huge pat on the back for coping with so much at once - well done!

barnet Mon 15-Jun-15 19:02:46

Practical things Re DD, as a first step put a stairgate across the sitting room/ her room, and make the room safe so she cannot destroy anything or hurt herself. Have some toys in there she can play with. Then you have somewhere you can leave her briefly, while you settle ds for his nap elsewhere. For example in his buggy in another room. You can also leave her there while you have a quick tidy/ sort things etc. It is ok if she shouts or cries about it, you are around, and will be back.

barnet Mon 15-Jun-15 19:06:49

You could have a harness for DD, so when you are both out with the buggy she cannot run off. In a safe place( playgroundetc) let her run around and use loads of energy everyday, then she may be calmer at home. Wear her out!

barnet Mon 15-Jun-15 19:09:35

And don't believe those people who say it only gets harder, that's rubbish. It gets easier.

Buttermilly Mon 15-Jun-15 19:18:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

butterfly133 Mon 15-Jun-15 19:35:12

woah - going cold turkey from Paroxetine is not okay and the receptionist should not have done that. I have to say I think that is the first thing that needs sorting. Is there a walk in you can visit and get a prescription right away?

YANBU. You're not well and you need your meds and to recover a little bit. You are doing nothing wrong. have some flowers

MakeThemEatCake Mon 15-Jun-15 19:57:17

I want to turn it around myself but it seems so overwhelming and obstacles seem to crop up at every attempt.

I totally relate to you there. I'm the same age as you and also feel like life is pretty shit and has no direction. It's so hard bringing up 2 young children, and doing that with mental health issues is like climbing a mountain every day.

I've been through that with medication before, and not been able to get a script and been forced to go cold turkey - it is not acceptable and what I'd recommend is asking your GP for a full medication review with a psychiatrist. Depending on your area, this should be possible and it is incredibly helpful. Whilst there you could maybe mention running out of meds and discuss ways of them avoiding it in future. It may be that they recommend a different SSRI, or a different dose. He or she might also recommend a certain type of therapy ie CBT.

Treat yourself with care and go easy on yourself right now, that can be one of the hardest things I find.

NestMaker Mon 15-Jun-15 22:09:01

Thanks for all the pointers. I will tackle the GP stuff first and try to get some childcare for DD. She does go out on a wrist strap but still manages to give me the slip from time to time. She used to have a 'safe' area area at home but I started to give her a bit more freedom when she went through a spell of good behaviour so yes RunnerHasbeen I'll reinstate that and entice her with some toys that haven't been out for a while.

I didn't know about the six day prescription thing. I probably do have the script waiting at the surgery for me now, it was just all sorted too late and I couldn't get it before the weekend so have up on the tablets thinking I could sort of push on through it. I just can't face the rigmorole of getting a new one every four weeks and all the chasing the inevitable surgery cock ups to get it.

NestMaker Mon 15-Jun-15 22:16:36

MakeThemEatCake sadly it sounds like you know where I'm coming from flowers Everything just feels so overwhelming (and currently painful and wobbly hmm).

These replies have helped me prioritise, I guess I just want everything to be sorted and just don't have the clarity to prioritise. Also someone in RL has come to my aid so I don't feel quite so 'stuck'. Thanks for the comments but I certainly don't feel like I'm coping just now. Hey ho tomorrow is another day.

missymayhemsmum Mon 15-Jun-15 22:32:51

Ok, start with the blocked ducts, as you could be developing mastitis and an infection, which will feel like flu but with painful boobs. Go braless or crop tops, have a warm bath and work your way round your breasts and underarms with your fingers massaging any hot, sore or hard spots to release the blockage towards your nipple. Try hot flannels. If you have stopped breastfeeding too quickly you may need to express milk a couple of times a day for a week or two / go back to bf while you clear any blocked ducts and generally scale back production gradually. How much were you feeding before?
If doing the above doesn't fix it (ie you don't have soft, painless boobs) in 24 hrs get you to the GP and demand to be seen as an emergency-mastitis is potentially a serious infection.
Totally agree with trying to create a 'safe zone' for DD, so you can settle DS. Can you get her to look after a dolly/ teddy while you look after DS? Or reward her with stories/ puzzles/ fun while he naps (which have to be put away if she wakes him?) Try to wear her out, better still get her dad to wear her out.
Good luck, let us know how it goes!

SandysMam Tue 16-Jun-15 07:43:37

Get your doctor or HV (force them to listen to you) to refer you to Homestart. My lovely friend volunteers for them and spends a couple of hours a week with a lady with young children so she can have a nice bath or get stuff done while the kids are entertained (or if your kids won't go with someone else, they can do a few bits for you). It might be daunting having a stranger in your house but they soon become friends and are there for a purpose-to help.

Athenaviolet Tue 16-Jun-15 07:59:59

Woah, no wonder you're struggling!

You're not well, physically or mentally. If you were a nanny you'd be off sick!

Can your DP take a couple of days carers leave?

He's going to have to step up until you are recovered.

Go to gp ASAP.

Your health is the priority atm, fancy meals & cleaning can wait.

NestMaker Tue 16-Jun-15 08:44:09

Ok V&D back so I've phoned the GP for a telephone appointment which will be today.

I still feel absolutely useless that I can't make these simple decisions myself and have to ask MNers how to sort myself out. It's days like this I wish my mum could come and make it all better but we don't have that kind of relationship. However that always strengthens my resolve to have a different (more supportive) relationship with my children.

NestMaker Tue 16-Jun-15 08:45:18

BTW I'm super lucky in that DH does all the cooking so no fancy meals cooked by me grin

SayThisOnlyOnce Tue 16-Jun-15 08:50:28

Oh lovely OP, just from reading your thread title I could tell: YOU ARE EXHAUSTED AND YOU NEED A DECENT REST.

Your DH needs to take some time off, to look after the children so you can rest and recover.

You are going through a tough time but it will get better. You are NOT useless at all. flowers

Grailydind Tue 16-Jun-15 10:49:11

Just wanted to add all the sensible posts here- it is bloody tough with 2. Look after yourself first- ducts and paroxetine. Parenting with mental health issues is really hard- all the old crutches

missmoon Tue 16-Jun-15 10:57:30

I just wanted to add re. the blocked ducts as I've had the same problem: as others have said, see your GP in case it's developed into mastitis. In the meantime: hold hot flannel to the blocked/hard areas and massage gently (this works especially well under the shower). Also, someone recommended Lecithin capsules, they really helped when I had a similar problem, you can buy them in any health food shop, see here: www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/holland-barrett-ultra-soya-lecithin-capsules-1200mg-60000301

Athenaviolet Tue 16-Jun-15 15:50:17

It's not being 'lucky' having a DP who is doing what he should be doing.

You never hear men saying how 'lucky' they are to have a wife to cook for them.

You are setting the bar too high for yourself. Is it because of your mum?

missymayhemsmum Tue 16-Jun-15 19:37:34

How are the boobs today, nest? Did you get help from the GP?

ifgrandmahadawilly Tue 16-Jun-15 19:49:14

Going cold turkey when you run out of AD's is the worst. It can make you feel this way; your sense of perspective changes and tips you right off balance. Have you tried calling 111 to see if there is anything that can be done to get you those pills?

AppleAndBlackberry Tue 16-Jun-15 20:01:09

Will DD watch TV at all? I used to put my oldest in front of Peppa pig while I settled the baby upstairs and then give her some attention. I also still had a double buggy until about 4 so I could strap her in if she was having a tantrum or running off. Good luck with all the other stuff, it is exhausting at this age but I promise it does get better.

NestMaker Thu 18-Jun-15 18:01:27

The GP was marvellous (she's new to the surgery) and took on board everything I said. So I've come away with antibiotics for my lumpy boobs to prevent cysts and a different AD. I'm going to self refer for more CBT so the ADs should tide me over while so much is going on.

I still feel ridiculous to not have been able to deal with the obvious myself. Thanks for all the advice flowers The next thing is to help DD with her behaviour, she's so wound up all the time sad

WhataMistakeaToMakea Thu 18-Jun-15 18:07:05

Do you have a children's centre nearby? You can self refer for a family support worker who can come to your home and help you with managing dds behaviour and they can give you general support (although I appreciate not all areas may have this resource but if they do use it they are usually fantastic and really approachable)

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