Mil visiting AIBU to be so demanding?

[namechangeagaimm]

DS is 4 months. I'm a FTM. I'm not super-keen of my ILs, but we get on and I make an effort (I hate socialising and I'm a control freak). MIL wants to see baby, fair enough, but wants to visit in evenings so FIL can visit too. I hate FIL. He's rude, insulting, childish and unpleasant to be around. I've decided I shouldn't have to put up with him my own home. And to be honest, he's not at all interested in the baby, so he clearly doesn't really want to be here either.

MIL looks after her other grandchild (dh nephew) 2 days of the week she doesn't work. This child is 18 months and obviously boisterous and noisy. This upsets my DS. He was pre-term, so is quite small. Last time the other child was here he was so noisy etc my ds almost puked from crying so much. I guess I'm pfb, but it really distresses me! (this child's parents, sil, thinks it's OK to bite the child back as discipline for when he bites her, just one example of her parenting..) I'm afraid the child just puts my back up and I don't really like him :-(

Also, if Mil is here with her other grandchild, she has to pay attention to him, and she ignores my ds.

Anyway, before this post gets really out of control, I think she should make more effort to see my ds, without distractions (other child) and without FIL. (we'll still see him at family events, just not in my house). I'm not happy to be parted from my ds yet, so dh visiting them without me isn't really an option. I've said she can drop in any day, any time, so I don't think I'm being too unreasonable , but I'd rather she was on her own.
AIBU, pfb? Should I just suck it up? I feel like an idiot.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

I think it's a bit harsh to stop a grandfather seeing his grandchild tbh. And given that you're not willing to let your dh take the baby to see the ils or, presumably, take him over yourself, then that's what you're doing.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

Also, YABVU to say that you "don't really like" an 18 month old baby and frankly this makes me question your judgment.

[BelindaBear]

Is this a reverse?

[TheWordFactory]

You don't like an 18 month old baby? Yes, Op, you are an 'idiot'.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I think there a few separate issues here:-

1. If FIL is unpleasant you don't have to tolerate him, so arranging a daytime visit is reasonable. Just say that DS is not a his best in the evenings and needs a quiet run up to bedtime.
   
   
2. Other GC, at some point you will need to get used to other children being around but not at 4 months if you feel you can't cope. I would suggest to MIL that she comes on her own so she can sit and cuddle the baby without distractions (don't mention GC at all).
   
   
3. You mention you are a control freak. You may need to learn to let go a bit as time passes. Babies are quite easy to organise and predictable but toddlers most certainly are not. A little bit of flexibility and give and take makes toddlerdom more enjoyable all round.
   
   Don't feel like an idiot, having a baby is a steep learning curve and you have to find out what works for you as a family.

[TwinkieTwinkle]

Wow, just wow. Talk about entitled.

[ImSoCoolNow]

YABU I look forward to your posts when your DS is 18 months/terrible twos. Sometimes with in laws you just need to grin and bare it. And saying you don't like an 18 month old baby?? Harsh

[namechangeagaimm]

Not stopping grandfather seeing ds, we see him at family events. But honestly, he has no interest in him at all. He also never has anything nice to say, obviously he was never told if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything .
Ok, so I'm an idiot, but I can't help not liking a small child, I'm sure this isn't uncommon .
Put in place. Will try to get around it somehow, guess the answer is suck it up!

[Georgethesecond]

Wait until yours is 18 months, just wait...

[PenguinBollards]

I do think you're bring a little PFB. How long do you envisage keeping your child away from members of your DH's family because you don't like them? It seems a bit unfair, for your FIL and for your DS. I'd guess it's also going to put your DH in an unfair position as its going to be obvious that you actively dislike and want to exclude members of his family.

It's an unfortunate thing about family life - and life in general - that sometimes we have to grit our teeth and spend time with people who grate on our very last nerve.

Have you suggested your plan to exclude his father from your home to your DH? How did he feel about that? My FIL is bloody irritating, but I wouldn't dream of forbidding him from coming to the house where his son and grandchildren live.

[ImSoCoolNow]

Entitled... Exactly twinkle

[pictish]

Umm well...okay. I can see you are a person who likes to have things on your own terms...by your own admittance you're a "control freak".

That said, I wouldn't particularly relish regular evening visits with little ones in the fray. That's bedtime. Once in a while is okay though.

I think yanbu to not want a lot of evening visitations, but you do sound a bit weird about your nephew - he's just a baby himself ffs...get a grip.

[namechangeagaimm]

Thanks chazs a much more helpful reply. :-)

[EssexMummy123]

"It's an unfortunate thing about family life - and life in general - that sometimes we have to grit our teeth and spend time with people who grate on our very last nerve. " - why?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I think people are being a bit harsh. Toddlers are a force of nature and can take getting used to. If you have lived a very quiet ordered life and are suddenly confronted with the chaos that is an 18 month old then it can be quite a shock.

[ImSoCoolNow]

Do you plan on having more kids? If so, what do you intend on doing with them when baby needs to settle and your oldest is around?

[LittleBearPad]

The answer is to suck it up as there's nothing unreasonable about a gf seeing his gs (even if he isn't very nice). At 4 months old evening visits aren't too difficult either. The 18 month old is your son's cousin too so I'd start liking him pretty quick as they will grow up together.

[00100001]

A lot of people have little interest in babies (let's face it, they're a bit boring when they're someone else's and are that young) On it's own, that is not a reason to not have him over :/

As for the 18 month old being abit boisterous - that's what most 18 mo are. Unless it's biting your baby, I don't see why you can't discipline the toddler and engage them and get them to be quiet for baby/hold baby whilst sitting etc

You do sound a bit PFB

[namechangeagaimm]

Thanks again chazs. Yes, I will have an 18 month old at some point, but will be a gradual change I hope, that I can adjust to gradually!

My dh knows exactly how I feel about FIL.

[00100001]

and if it's OK for you not to like the 18 month old, surely you can't hold the fact the GF doesn't 'like' your baby against him?

[pictish]

And yes...wait until your little peach is 18 months and screeching away...which he most certainly will. See how you feel about the dislike of others then.

What I would give to be a fly on the wall. I hope you remember to cast your mind back to this post and feel humbled.

[PenguinBollards]

Oh, and it will be hugely beneficial to work on your 'control freak' issues sooner rather than later: a 4 month old does practically nothing, but as he gets older the degree of control you have about what happens in your home and rest of your life will decrease daily. Relinquishing control of your day, your home, your plans, your preferences, the last functioning bit of your brain, etc, is something that you are going to have to learn to do. I speak as a control freak in recovery due to having two DCs and the associated pandemonium

[Szeli]

Why don't you go round there then you can leave if your son is getting grouchy? You can pick a time then when you know it's just mil.

Biting back is quite a common old school response to biting - you don't have to do it but it's not indictive of 'bad' parenting. Unless she's chomping a finger off

[DumbledoresKnobblyWand]

An 18 month old baby 'puts your back up'?

Good luck.

[EponasWildDaughter]

When your first born is so tiny an 18 month old seems very big and grown up. Especially if they are a big and boisterous child. OP is not unreasonable to want a bit of peace round her baby at first. It's not essential that all toddlers are tolerated at all times.

(i have 4DCs the eldest in her 20s and the youngest is 16 months, before anyone tells me i'll ''learn'')

OP, keep it simple for now and just say you'd really like it if, for a while, MIL could pop round on her own to see her new GC. If you have to give a reason, say you feel DS is at his best during the day and with less distraction, and that you feel better with less going on in the house while he's so little. Or something ... :)