Ex, texts and passports

[HellKitty]

Ex is EA, alcoholic and controlling. He tries to be PA with me but now just does it to the DCs, 13, 15 and 17. We split years ago and his initial frequent (whisky fuelled) texts were told to stop by my solicitor and could only be about the DCs welfare.

He now only texts once a week to see if they're in (only DC 2+3 talk to him), his calls to them last 2 minutes and are all about him. He has them at school holidays for 3-4 days but last had them over NYE. They hate it. He lives (200 miles away) in a city and only takes them to Tescos, a lot. He twice told DC1 he was nipping to the corner shop for something and came back two hours later stinking of booze. He is successful in his job but works from home when they're there, always on his phone or computers. He is now asking about the summer holidays, he wants to take them to a European city he works a lot in (and will move to). They're not bothered. DC1 won't go (he's tried to build a relationship with ex but can't) every time he's started a convo ex turns it into all about ex, how we're all fucked when he dies which will be soon (unfortunately not) and all the chips ex has on his shoulders, DC2 is polite to him but hates him, DC3 is high functioning asd but ex treats him like a toddler - which he loves as he gets toys. We're talking insisting on calling him 'daddy' and holding his hand across the road, he's 13 and ex will be undoing what independence we're trying to build in him.

So help me please. Ex texted last night at 10 asking about passports, this might seem reasonable but I know he texted as he was bored and drunk and a question requires an answer, I don't want to get into a text convo so I haven't yet replied. He was drunk as he texted dc1 at the same time asking DC the same question 4 times which DC answered, 4 times.

I don't want him texting me at night (I have health problems he knows nothing about) and I don't want him taking them abroad even though they might benefit. But might not.

AIBU?
Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed.

[Christelle2207]

What was the question he asked?

[Alanna1]

I'd ask your children what they want and talk to them about it in a neutral fashion.

[Whereisegg]

Do any of the dc want to go?

[HellKitty]

He asked if I'd sorted out their passports. He asked last week if they wanted to next see him in UK City or European city when they go in summer. They told me UK City, which I told him.

I think they're worried about being abroad with him, I have asked neutrally. I know if must come across like I'm slagging him off to them but I'm not, they've realised for themselves.

[TheOriginalWinkly]

He needs your permission to take the under 16s abroad. He's an unreliable alcoholic who has no real relationship with them. I wouldn't give permission and I would lock the passports away somewhere safe.

[HellKitty]

I think that's what I wanted to hear Winkly, was just worried whether I was right or not.

DC1 has a p/t job which will be more in the summer and both DC1 and DC2 have hobbies with friends that they'd miss.

So what would I say?!
About the passports and the late night texts, only 10pm but I was in bed. And the 'ping' knowing its him still makes my stomach drop.

[ollieplimsoles]

No no and no. Op your dcs sound like me and my sister when my dad moved abroad. Every 'holiday' was a nightmare of selfishness and EA on his part and it left us with emotional scars. My sis still tries to forge a relationship with him but I don't anymore. He would always convince my mum that he should have us over for various reasons.

Your dc have made up their minds, just because he's their 'dad' doesn't mean they can be forced by him to see him. They don't even like him fgs. Tell your partner the dc do not want to go on this holiday.

[Whereisegg]

Well if they don't want to go, that's that really.

Can you tell him your phone is broken and it's email contact with you only?

[BabyMurloc]

They are old enough to decide for themselves. He cannot take them out of the country without your permission. If they say no then no it is.

[LazyLouLou]

I am sure DCs 1+2 will be able to reply for themselves. Then you can reply on behalf of DC3.

If they don't want to go, they don't want to go.

As for your fear of the 'ping' - may I pass you my first ever MN grip?

You are letting this sad excuse of a man to continue controlling you, and he doesn't even have to be near you or sober.

Don't sort the passports, your kids do not want to go. Laugh at the phone every time it pings, ignore each and every message he sends after say, 6pm. Leave it until tomorrow.

Or set up an auto response, I am living my own life right now. I will respond to your crisis in the morning!

[TheOriginalWinkly]

Block him on your mobile. Buy a cheap as chips one, give him the number, switch it on twice a week.

[HellKitty]

Phew! Yeah I need to get a huge grip! As soon as I saw the text (phone is usually on silent at night) I thought 'shit', and that I'd be up all night wondering what to do/say. As it was, I slept like a baby

[LazyLouLou]

Good

I hope it all looks a lot less complicated and scary this morning.