Parents moving(10 Posts)
I recently got a new job which means we'll be moving to a new area. I'm really excited about it- great job and it's a lovely place to live. It's the area my grandparents lived in and we've spent many happy holidays there (both in childhood and I've taken DD there).
My mum is retiring soon (DF has been retired for a few years due to ill health). I know they've been thinking of downsizing once DM retired. A few weeks after I told mum and dad about the new job and move they told me they'd been thinking of moving to the same area (roughly) as I am now moving once mum retired- and had been thinking about it on and off for a number of years. Now mum is retired, they have no real ties to the area they live in they've decided it's a "now or never" sort of thing. They were going to be moving anyway because of downsizing, so now seems the ideal time.
I am delighted. It's great that they'll get to see more of DD and I'll get to spend more time with them too. I think they'll be a 20-30 minute drive away, so not like next door, but close enough to see regularly.
Anyway, my parents told my brother and SIL yesterday. Parents thought neither brother or SIL seemed put up nor down about it. But this morning I had a call from my brother, who is really angry about it and thinks I have "persuaded" our parents to move "to suit myself" and "never given a thought about him or his Ds's". He thinks our parents are are favouring me (he feels this way anyway) and being unfair to his DSs. He wants me to tell my parents not to move and they are being selfish and unreasonable.
I explained I have no intention of telling mum and dad anything of the sort. It wasn't my idea and as far as I am concerned where our parents move to is entirely up to them. I said of course I was happy they were moving closer to me and I'd get to see them more often, and I could see from his point of view that it could be interpreted as favouring me- although I didn't think that was the deliberate intention. I also said I did not asked them to move to be closer to me and suggested that if he was upset he really ought to take it up with our parents as it is their decision where they moved.
My brother seemed to think that when mum retired she'd be helping them out with childcare, which wouldn't have been all that feasible due to distances involved. Not that they've asked her to do this, just assumed she'd be desperate to do it. However, I don't think mum had intended to spend her retirement being an unpaid babysitter! That's certainly not what I am expecting from her. I hope she gets to make the most of her retirement and spend some time doing the things she and dad want to do- she's worked hard all her life and deserves some time to please herself.
As it is, it's not like my brother/SIL live all that close to my parents at the moment and don't see them all that often. Their boys stay with mum and dad for a week during the summer and visit occasionally at weekends, but this has been limited by the fact that mum has been working full time and neither brother nor SIL drive, so it's always mum who has to collect them and take them home again if they do visit. Brother/SIL won't make the effort to get there under their own steam.
I get why it seems like their prioritising me and DD over them and their DS's, and I suppose in a way they are. I can why he might a bit hurt and less favoured. I would probably feel a bit like that if the boot was on the other foot. But on the other hand, surely my parents have a right to spend their retirement living in a place they love, if that's what they want to do? I think they may well have ended up moving there anyway, its just my moving there gave them the impetus to do it now IYSWIM.
I think he needs to take this up with out parents, not me. I also think he was being unreasonable to expect our DM to act as an unpaid babysitter. As far as I know, she's still happy to take my nephews for their usual weeks holiday, and maybe have more regular visits during school holidays now she's retired- so they may end up seeing more of her than they do now.
AIBU to think brother should a) discuss this with our parents, not me and b)our parents are not being unreasonable to move, if that's what will make them happy?
phew! that is a very long post, sorry for the rant. It helps sort things out to write it down like that, probably why it is so long!
I can also see why they'd rather live nearer you than them. I think I would too!
Sounds like Yanbu. What are the other things which have made your DB feel like you are favoured over him though?
I don't think you're BU on either count. He should discuss it with them if he wants to risk looking selfish and unreasonable.
It is certainly not up to you to persuade them to do anything. The only time that is reasonable is if there are concerns about older parents coping or health issues.
I can see why he is upset but he needs to take it up with his parents.
You are right to stay completely out of it.
Why does he feel you are favoured?
My in-laws did something similar. They moved "to be closer to both their children" which in reality turned out to be 10 minutes from BIL and his family and an hour away from us.
The resulting fallout has meant DH and BIL are now not talking. PIL insist that they are treating their DC and GDC equal, but when in reality the distance means that BIL and his family gets lots of practical support and help and see the PIL a lot, we don't see them any more than we did when they were 3 hours away. So I do think you need to tread very carefully.
Smartie and Guy
It's quite a long story, basically mum and I are very close. He and my parents had a strained relationship for a long time due to things he has done which he has not acknowledged or apologised. Due to the differences in our relationship, my brother feels I am favoured. It's a bit more complicated than that, but as much as I can convey in a short synopsis.
Redsky- I can appreciate it can be upsetting to feel sidelined. But our parents are not specifically moving to be closer to me, I think, but the consequence is that they will be closer to me than to my brother and his family. I suppose they could move half way between to be exactly fair, but as they don't want to live there, this wouldn't really be practical. In any event, my point is it's not really up to me to tell our parents where they should live. If DB is unhappy with their plans then surely it's up to him to discuss it with them?
I think I would have just made it clear, when he phoned, that it was as much news to you as it was to hi, and that you'd certainly never discussed it or asked them to move. Then pointed out they were adults and could live where they wanted, and if he had some kind of an issue with that then it was them he needed to talk to, not you.
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