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To not wat to see my bf's dd because of this?

(54 Posts)
Handywoman Sun 14-Jun-15 13:15:55

Been with the most wonderful man for 10months. I have 2dds, he has 1dd same age as my youngest (10yo).

I have bristled at the way he is with his dd. He indulges very plea for attention despite the behaviour, by which I mean if she throws a strop or gets a mood on he is in there immediately, trying to draw her out of it no matter how unreasonable she's being, and sometimes the moods are purely for attention. She'll do things such as decide in the middle of a game we are playing, to just stop and say she's bored and get in a huff. boyf then indulges and she has to be accommodated. On the day I met boyf's mum recently, his mum and I were in the middle of a conversation and his dd couldn't handle it and asked us to stop and talk to her instead shock

I'm very much made of different stuff as a parent. If my dds throw a strop or mood if things don't automatically got their way they will be ignored. Sometimes their behaviour will be humoured or not taken seriously. They understand that there is more to life than them. It's very different.

I stayed at boyf's house yeterday evening. She was downright rude, asking provocative questions in the way a spoilt 4yr old might. boyf dismissed as 'cabin fever' as she'd been in the house all afternoon(! he thinks she needs to be entertained the whole time). Well this morning she accused me of sitting in her seat (er what) which was another misguided plea for attention.

I'm afraid I made my excuses and left early. This kinda behaviour really makes me irate. From all kids. Even younger ones. It's just a thing I have confused

Boyf apologised, said he has had a big chat to her and we are going to chat face to face later. He got her to apologise on the phone but the poor child sounded confused about what she'd done.

My feeling is that she has not yet learned that the world doesn't revolve around her. And that she'll likely make misguided pleas for attention in future.

For this reason I want to tell boyf we are very different parents and I can't be around her very much any more.

I think it will really really upset him. And make our relationship feel unbalanced (because I'm a resident parent he has to spend time here more than vice versa).

AIBU?

TwinkieTwinkle Sun 14-Jun-15 13:22:40

I think if that's how you feel then you should prepare to be dumped. I don't mean that in a nasty way but I can't see how he would stay with you when you won't be around his daughter. She does sound like a pain in the backside though.

RabbitSaysWoof Sun 14-Jun-15 13:23:26

I dont think you are BU at all, It makes me boil when a spoiled child is constantly pacified and pandered to, but tbh I think it will effect your relationship in the long term what you are effectively saying is "we will never live together, if we did your dd would not be welcome"

TheMaw Sun 14-Jun-15 13:24:21

Yes, I think YABU. You've been together less than a year, that's pretty early to be criticising his child/ his parenting skills. And by 'not be around her very much anymore' - are you prepared to see him less, or are you expecting him to not see her when he's with you?

LashesandLipstick Sun 14-Jun-15 13:25:58

Does she have any kind of problems? I ask because I was very on the go, constantly expected to be entertained, asking questions, and so on. Turns out I have ADHD, didn't get picked up until later as I'm a girl. Not saying that's what's going on but worth thinking about

Secondly if you do say that do t expect your partner to be okay with it. How can you expect him not to see his daughter?

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed Sun 14-Jun-15 13:27:17

I don't think it's the DD you have a problem with. Her behaviour is the consequence of his indulgent parenting style.

Put the blame where it belongs - with the boyfriend.

MammaTJ Sun 14-Jun-15 13:27:25

I don't see this lasting. I am not saying you are wrong, it would drive me crazy too but you are just so very different in how you parent.

I am interested to know how the girls mum reacted when you were chatting to her. Did she ignore as you probably would, or pander to her?

He probably feels guilty though, for not being with her as much as he would like. Maybe take that in to account when having your talk about it. Get strategies in place to deal with the behaviour together. Also, make sure she does get one on one time with her Dad. Get him to take her for a walk or to the shops, so she doesn't feel she needs to demand attention.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 14-Jun-15 13:31:38

You and him are finished seeing as you don't like his dd, finish it now.

That's fair enough if her behaviour constantly puts you on edge.

Fatmomma99 Sun 14-Jun-15 13:33:21

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think she's prob upset at her parents splitting up and prob jealous of her dad's relationship with you. Perhaps she'll be better as she adjusts/gets used to you?

How long had your bf been single before he got together with you? Are you the first gf his daughter has met?

Perhaps she has fantasies of her parents getting back together, and you are scuppering that?

maybe he feels bad for her and is therefore indulging her?

Just a thought.

tumbletumble Sun 14-Jun-15 13:33:54

YANBU to find this irritating, but I think YABU to tell him you can't be around her, when you expect him to be around your DDs. He probably doesn't always want to spend time with them - you may think they are very well behaved in comparison, but IMO other people's children are always more annoying than your own!

If you want this relationship to work then you can't just say you don't want to be around his DD. It's a cop out IMO.

Handywoman Sun 14-Jun-15 13:35:13

To clarify I don't see them together much, he has her EOW and 2 evenings every week 5pm onwards. They get plenty of time one-to-one. I actually haven't seen her for a while. I'm not raining on their parade. Apparently she had put off doing stuff as she wanted to do it after I arrived.

She doesn't have ADHD. I have a kid with Aspergers and know enough to know that.

I am not blaming the kid.

To TheMaw of course ten months is ample time to see cause as effect in parenting. I don't want to have a problem with it, but I do.

I think this could be a dealbreaker. Even though I had no intention of moving in with boyf (which is to do with my own dc needing stability and mum time, and which he knows and is happy with because he understands why) but I am going to have to tell him roughly what I've said here. And of course it may not go down well.

m0therofdragons Sun 14-Jun-15 13:36:16

Sounds like you're having a childish strop trying to make him choose between you or his dd. Surely he will choose his dd?
I'm not saying her behaviour is okay but o think your way of dealing with it is u.

DeeWe Sun 14-Jun-15 13:36:37

She isn't necessarily pampered and spoilt.

She's a little girl who needs reassuring that her df (and dgm) still love and and feel she is important. That is probably what is causing the behaviour, they are acknowledging this so to your mind pampering her, but actually it is what she needs as she is feeling very vulnerable.

LashesandLipstick Sun 14-Jun-15 13:38:05

Handywoman, if you're sure she has no problems causing it, have you tried talking to her? In a friendly manner? Maybe she's upset about her parents not being together, or another issue. Often when kids do this, they're upset and don't know how to behave, I don't think ignoring or shouting at her would help

Earthbound Sun 14-Jun-15 13:40:10

If you really don't like his DD (and it sounds as if you REALLY don't) then you have to end this relationship. You've only been seeing each other 10 months. That's really not long. His DD will be in his life forever. She may end up living with him full time one day-who knows? I would walk away. This situation won't end well for you.

CalleighDoodle Sun 14-Jun-15 13:41:20

Then id make very sure he knows it is his parenting style you have a major problem with, as here it comes across that it is the dd you have a problem with.

As an aside, i have my own seat on the sofa. I would feel uncomfortable if someone sat in it, in a 'thats my spot' sheldon sort of way.

SunnyStriker Sun 14-Jun-15 13:56:23

Op I suggest you end things with your boyfriend now.
I was you a few years ago. You literally just described my dps parenting style and his dds behaviour/attitude exactly.
I thought I could live with it and change things to be more in line with my own parenting style (I also have 2 dcs of my own) and everything would be hunky dory.

Fast forward a few years me and dp have a baby of our own and life is pretty fantastic. Apart from every other weekend when dsd comes to stay. Everyone is thoroughly miserable with the situation and those 2 days a fortnight are pretty hellish.
None of us will change our ways because, well we are who we are and it makes a very tense and unhappy house.
I don't blame dsd because she's just a child but I actually dread her visits and cannot wait for her to leave. DP doesn't enjoy her visits much because of the tension and her constant demands, tantrums, behaviour and her competing constantly for attention. Dsd doesn't enjoy coming because she obviously feels the unease which in turn makes her behaviour worse.
The situation is no good for anyone.

Op get out while you can!

hedgehogsdontbite Sun 14-Jun-15 14:00:22

YABU

If you don't like his parenting sort it out with him. Don't punish the child and expect him to choose you over her.

NickiFury Sun 14-Jun-15 14:00:38

"She doesn't have ADHD have a child with Aspergers and know enough to know that"

What an ignorant thing to say.

I think she sounds highly anxious, hence the attention seeking. Please tell your DP so he can get his child away from your judgmental and impatient attitude.

NRomanoff Sun 14-Jun-15 14:02:07

It's a deal breaker. You don't like his ddor how he parents her and seem to not understand why a child may act like this. How would you feel if it was the other way round? That he didn't want to see your children or like how you parent them?

NRomanoff Sun 14-Jun-15 14:03:52

Oh and what Nicky said. Having a child with aspergers doesn't mean you know everything.

LashesandLipstick Sun 14-Jun-15 14:07:10

Agree with the above - even the same condition can look different in different kids. Your attitude seems to be you're refusing to believe she's anything other than naughty instead of looking at why she is behaving like this

hedgehogsdontbite Sun 14-Jun-15 14:08:14

The more I think about this the stranger it seems. You want to not spend time with his DD. But you're not talking about ending the relationship. So you are hoping he will accept it. Why would you want to continue a relationship with a man who's prepared to sideline his own child so he can play happy families with someone else's?

pinkdelight Sun 14-Jun-15 14:10:30

Surely the fact that you are resident parent makes a huge difference here. You say he and his dd get plenty of time together but it's nothing really, compared to the fact that he's left her family home. Rightly or wrongly, he's bound to want to keep the peace either for the time they have, whereas you can sit out a tantrum and its aftermath and still have plenty of time to make up and forget it with your dc. I agree with others who say if you're taking exception at this early stage then it's probably not going to work out and that may not be anyone's fault. It's just a delicate situation with lots of emotions to manage and his dd's are bound to come first.

BreadmakerFan Sun 14-Jun-15 14:11:59

YANBU

You need a talk though. If he doesn't change how he parents, and why should he, will you finish things?

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