Need to Rant About ILs(11 Posts)
We currently live with my parents whilst we're trying to sell our house and get a new one closer to DH's job. Our house is in Scotland and his job is in London so not exactly commutable.
The ILs live in Scotland and we haven't seen them since we moved here a year ago (though, we Skype with them every week or two to let them see DSs). DH received a text from MIL this morning saying her and FIL are heading down this way and will be with DH's aunt tomorrow (who lives maybe a 45 minute drive from here) and staying the week.
This is the warning we get. It will be the first chance they've had to see DH in a year but because they have sprung it on him he'll be working. His work are pretty reasonable and if he'd had even a week or two's warning he could have gotten at least some, if not the whole week, off. Instead, he'll be leaving at 6.30am and getting home at 7.30pm every day! If they see him at all it'll be for a few hours only.
Now, I have an appointment to speak to the SENCO at the preschool DS1 is starting at after summer tomorrow morning (he is currently going through a diagnosis for ASD) and he has a hospital appointment in the afternoon so we won't be about tomorrow.
On Tuesday, I normally take the boys to a toddler group. DS2 is only a year so he's not going to care if we miss it but DS1 asks about it all fucking week until we go. He's just starting to grasp the concept of certain things happening on certain days and with his ASD a disruption to that is a bit of an issue but I'm sure the ILs will want to see the boys Tuesday morning if they can't see them Monday. But, there's no telling what time they'll turn up because they'll no doubt say 10am or something but that might mean anything from 9.30 to 1pm. Us going to them isn't an option because I don't drive and even if I did DS1 gets horrendously car sick during any journey longer than 20 minutes.
I get on with them, especially MIL. She's lovely. She's easy to chat to, very eager to please, tries very hard not to undermine my parenting even when I can tell she'd do things differently. Compared to all the bat-shit-crazy MILs I read about on here, she's a dream. But any visit from them is always marred by the fact they're so inconsiderate when it comes to giving any sort of notice/making plans. They both work so they'll have had to organise time off. A different aunt is looking after their dog, as well. So, they must have planned all that ahead of time!! But they didn't think to check with us to see if DH could get time off work, to see if it would inconvenience my parents at all (what if they had people staying this week??), or to make sure I hadn't planned to do things with the boys so wouldn't be free.
I can't rant to DH because he's absolutely furious, himself, so it would only makes things worse. AIBU to be pissed off and in a bad mood about this but then to smile sweetly when I see them because why bother creating an argument when they'll never change and it's once a year?
Do not reorganise Tuesday. I'm sure there will be chance in the rest of the week to see you all. If they'd been bothered they could have planned.
Why don't you ask them to meet you at the toddler group?
It is annoying, did they plan it last minute or not bother to tell you? Go to the toddler group then meet them sonewhere for a picnic lunch (public transport or somewhere walking distance?)
Don't re-organise anything that you consider essential. I'd class this toddler group for your DS as essential.
If they can't be bothered to give you notice, when as you say they have clearly had to plan, then they'll have to suck up the consequences.
Agree with others - if they give you short notice they have to expect to fit round your plans: so Monday you have unavoidable meetings; Tuesday - great - they can come with you to Ds' toddler group - you can all go for lunch afterwards (or similar). Just tell 'em where you'll be, they rock up when they're ready. Simply present it as a positive - they'll get to see DS1 at an activity he loves/help you out as it's always tricky juggling both at the group/get a chance to have a good cuddle with DS2 without putting DS1s nose out of joint etc etc.
Annoying for your dh (but could he get off work early one or two days, and maybe meet you somewhere for tea?)
When you lived near them did they tend to pop in when they had some free time themselves? Or were you all able to visit them regularly?
Im guessing a year ago you were on maternity leave at least and DH probably had a shorter working day/commute?
I think they just havent moved on and appreciate your different schedules now. Leave everything as it is this week and try to fit them in when you are available. If its possible for you to use public transport or walk to meet them do so but dont otherwise stop your normal activities. Mention ,once only, the lack of preparation time and how much better the visit could have been if they had told you of their plans .Then leave it.
Its only one visit and they will quickly understand that its their own fault for not letting you know in advance.
KillmeNow, they've always done this sort of thing and not just to us. When we lived closer we were still a three hour drive away and they'd message DH on the morning they were leaving to say they were on their way. Again, no thought about whether we might be busy. And they've done similar to other family members. One time when they were staying with us we went out for a drive and they decided part-way there to go and see another of DH's aunts (who they don't see often and were a good hour or so's drive away from us). Not only did they not give the aunt any notice but they didn't actually know her address or phone number so they got to the general area of the house and then had to try and remember/guess at her phone number to contact her and ask where she was. I was pregnant at the time and got really bad sickness if I didn't eat every hour or so and after about an hour of just driving around DH snapped and told them we needed to stop somewhere for me to get some fresh air and have something to eat and drink. They seemed completely surprised even though they knew about my bad morning sickness and having to eat regularly because I'd spoken about it the whole time they'd been staying with us.
I might go for the option of telling them we'll be at the toddler group and they're welcome to meet us there. It's a bit difficult because they haven't been here before and it's a bit hard to find (parents live a little out of a village and toddler group is in the village - my mum gives us a lift there and back as there are no footpaths to get to village walking with a buggy) and you don't get any phone reception in the village but they have the house number and Mum and a sister will be in and Dad might be working from home so they can get directions if they need to I guess...
It sounds like they don't realise they're lack of consideration affects everyone else. No one has said to them please let me know so I can make sure I am available.
It sounds to me like you have your back up and everything else is looking worse because of it. Let them join you on Tuesday as you have planned, they'll find it I'm sure.
Let your DH broach the subject of advance notice with them and see what can be organised for the rest of the week.
Take a deep breath and look at it calmly, they obviously don't realise they are pissing people off. Let you DH tell them
Sandbrook, any time they ever mention coming to visit DH says to let him know as soon as they can so he can get time off etc. They just don't think. It's not done with any sort of malice. It just doesn't seem to occur to them it might cause any problems for other people, despite having been told to check and despite having turned up when it's clearly not been convenient.
It'll be fine, I'm sure. I get very stressed out about people visiting at the best of times so such uncertainty just makes me uneasy (ASD does run pretty heavily in both sides of my family and I
definitely might have lots of a few traits myself...).
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