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To not want MiL to see my DD?

(112 Posts)
bluejeanswhiteshirt Sun 14-Jun-15 07:55:18

My ex's mum is a chainsmoking alcoholic who hasn't seen our 8 month old DD since the week after she was born due to her refusal not to smoke when she visits. She absolutely stinks of tobacco and gin and is a nasty person who hasn't even been in contact with her own mum and sister for 30 odd years because she is so selfish and stubborn.

My ex and I were completely happy that she wasn't in our lives anymore and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about her being around DD when she's been smoking etc. so her stubborness has suited us well.

Anyway yesterday my ex dropped the bombshell that he wants his mum to see DD. His brother had made a drunken phonecall from Australia (where he lives) and said that we need to build bridges and that he's going to ring her and arrange for her to come round to my house (ex doesn't live here but he hasn't told anyone we're broken up). So now my ex has completely changed his tune and this horrible woman is going to be in DD's life and I feel so upset and anxious about the whole thing. I really don't want her around DD and I know for a fact she's going to want to take her for walks etc. and I can't do a thing about it. I feel like my ex has betrayed me in a way because his mum was literally horrible towards me when I was pregnant.

AIBU to not want her to see DD? Is there even anything I can do to stop it?

ltk Sun 14-Jun-15 07:58:53

How old is dd?

bostonbaby Sun 14-Jun-15 08:03:56

Yanbu and i wouldn't have her in the house, however, if it's on his time with her, can you stop him?

bostonbaby Sun 14-Jun-15 08:04:19

Says 8 months on the second line

6LittleOnes Sun 14-Jun-15 08:06:36

Unfortunately you can stop your ex from taking dd to see his mum and having contact when he does, you can and probably should stop her from coming to your house

bluejeanswhiteshirt Sun 14-Jun-15 08:11:53

At the moment my ex only sees DD at my house as he lives an hour away at a share house with 4 of his friends so not really suitable for her to be there. I know I can't stop it but the idea of her seeing DD without me there is even worse. This is an awful situation.

ollieplimsoles Sun 14-Jun-15 08:17:44

This really is awful op, I think you should get some professional advice about it to safeguard in the future.

However at the moment it looks like your mil will only get access to dd with you because ex lives far away? If that's the case I would have a ling talk with your ex about the concerns you both had in the past about her drinking and smoking.

Also, why the hell is his brother getting involved?!

AlternativeTentacles Sun 14-Jun-15 08:22:57

You need to tell him to tell his brother to butt out.

bluejeanswhiteshirt Sun 14-Jun-15 08:26:15

I've told him my concerns and he says he doesn't care, he doesn't want to dig up the past etc. but it's going to be the present and the future now. He seems to ignore the fact that she smells like an ashtray because that's all he's ever known growing up but I'm definitely not ok with it.

And as for his brother, I'm so pissed off about him sticking his nose in. They have 2 young children and have visited the UK once and even then had MANY feuds with MiL because of smoking, buying secret McDs and feeding their 1 year old so it's very easy for them to rearrange our lives from 12,000 miles away.

I have no control over this situation whatsoever. His brother has arranged for her to call my ex today to talk about contact with DD. It makes me so mad that the only reason she's getting in touch is because one of her sons has told her to.

CSIJanner Sun 14-Jun-15 08:29:45

It's your house, yes? And he doesn't live there? What hives him the right to arrange someone you don't like or feel comfortable with having access to your home or have I missed something?

ollieplimsoles Sun 14-Jun-15 08:31:41

Sorry op I haven't been in this situation so I'm not sure who to contact for advice. The social services maybe? Would you object to mil seeing your dc in a contact centre? Then you could be sure she isn't smoking/ drinking around them?

If she comes to your house to see dd you so have control, its your house and you make the rules. If he is set on this he must understand that rules have to be set.

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 14-Jun-15 08:36:39

Personally I'd rather set it up so she saw DD in my house with me present then elsewhere. If you have concerns for DD's safety if left alone in her care then you have every right to stop that from happening.

PtolemysNeedle Sun 14-Jun-15 09:00:24

You should not have anyone in your home that you don't want there. Your ex has no right to say that his mum will be coming into your house, it's not his choice. However, if he would like you to do him a favour and accommodate his mum seeing your dd in a cafe or something, then I think you should go along with it. That way, you can leave when you're ready and it's neutral territory.

afreshstartplease Sun 14-Jun-15 09:04:14

If she is an alcoholic there is your reason for her not taking your dd out

Its dangerous!

If she won't not smoke in your house then she can't come in

However if she will agree to be sober and not smoke while there then having her in your house briefly might be the best option as atleast she's getting something, but you can see what is happening and you can have some control over the situation

It sounds to me like she would soon loose interest anyway tbh

bluejeanswhiteshirt Sun 14-Jun-15 13:08:14

Well she hasn't called yet as per his brother's orders so fingers crossed she doesn't bother. It wouldn't surprise me. I'm trying to decide whether it would be better to go somewhere like a cafe or for her to come round and visit. I think she'd have more 'hands on' contact at home and I don't want that.

Hippymama1 Sun 14-Jun-15 13:29:20

YANBU. MiL has prioritised smoking over seeing her granddaughter for the last 8 months.

There is no reason why you should change everything and drop everything just because BiL has had a change of heart about family matters from 12,000 miles away where his family will not be exposed to her passive smoking.

You can't stop your Ex from taking DD to see MiL but you can suggest that they go to a cafe etc where you can limit the exposure that DD has to passive smoking.

I wouldn't allow her in my house if she smoked. End of. She is BU, as is BiL and to an extent, your Ex. Just because he is ready to make amends doesn't mean he should assume that you are too.

Good luck and stick to your guns!

Fatmomma99 Sun 14-Jun-15 13:39:18

Your house, your rules, bluejeans.

But if you met in a public place (like a cafe) she wouldn't be allowed to smoke....

redshoeblueshoe Sun 14-Jun-15 13:56:15

I actually don't like the café idea, as all the ones round here have smoking areas. On the other hand if BIL spoke to her last night I'm assuming she was drunk and won't remember. Good luck she sounds horrible.

Anomaly Sun 14-Jun-15 14:03:38

Refuse to have her at your house. She isnt exactly making a huge effort to see her now. Your ex isnt exactly doing a great job at seeing his daughter if he's moved an hour away into a house share. I would think that the more barriers there are the less likely it is that between them they'll organise anything. I would though ring the brother and tell him to stay out of it. If he's that bothered about his mother he's free to move back here.

Anomaly Sun 14-Jun-15 14:06:56

When I say refuse to have her I mean I wouldn't even agree to take her to a cafe. I would make sure the only person facilitating contact is your ex. So he can take her out for x hours on x date if he chooses to take her somewhere to meet mil he can. I doubt it would actually happen from what you've posted.

bluejeanswhiteshirt Sun 14-Jun-15 14:56:06

Ex says he's going to call her if she hasn't called him by 7pm, and apparently she tried calling yesterday but I doubt she did. I don't know why he's bothering! I'm so annyoyed that his brother's done this.

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 14-Jun-15 14:58:30

Oh god how awful. I fully understand your concerns and the brother is a meddling twerp.

bluejeanswhiteshirt Sun 14-Jun-15 15:09:39

Yep he certainly is sad

HermioneWeasley Sun 14-Jun-15 15:14:27

Well, if contact is currently at your house then you can certainly stop her coming to yours.

Is Ex likely to leave DD unsupervised in her care? Because obviously that would be dangerous and is be tempted to involve SS/ get contact orders changed if he's even contemplating that.

bluejeanswhiteshirt Sun 14-Jun-15 15:32:58

I hope he woudn't be so stupid but I never saw this coming either so I don't know what to expect now. I'd be furious if he did leave her in his mum's care. She passes out at the dining table by 7pm.

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