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Or am I being over sensitive?

(24 Posts)
Cosmomouse Sun 14-Jun-15 07:41:01

Yesterday was the first anniversary since my dad died of cancer.

DH has been away this weekend, and I've had no contact from him. He knew the significance of yesterday's date, and I'm really hurt that he didn't call, text or send any sort of message to acknowledge it.

He has just sent me a breezy, cheery text asking me to pick him up at 11am.

Wibu to tell him to fuck right off? Or am I being an overly emotional wreck?


NRomanoff Sun 14-Jun-15 07:52:42

Yanbu, but he may not have known what to do. I called mum on the anniversary of her mums passing to see how she was and she burst into tears. She was just trying to get through it. I never know whether to check on her or not.

Maybe he really just doesn't know what's best? I am trying to be generous. Don't tell him to fuck off, tell him how you actually feel.

I am sorry for your loss flowers

cosmicglittergirl Sun 14-Jun-15 07:53:45

Sorry about your dad. flowers
Assuming he knows how you would have been feeling, no YANBU.

Wheelerdeeler Sun 14-Jun-15 07:56:02

A text acknowledging the day wouldn't have killed him.

But being your husband I would have expected he'd stay at home this particular weekend..

Not even a call on such a significant day, is he always so uncaring?

Cosmomouse Sun 14-Jun-15 08:17:30

I've just sent him a shitty text...

And he's replied with

'Im sorry I'm such an idiot. I love you so much'

It doesn't stop me feeling hurt though.

mrsdavidbowie Sun 14-Jun-15 08:21:40

Bit mean to send a shitty text.

He's sent you a nice text back there was no maliciousness on his part.

Cosmomouse Sun 14-Jun-15 08:23:47

sad I guess I'm hurting and taking it out on him.

Shit now I feel worse

Amber76 Sun 14-Jun-15 08:27:50

I think you're being over sensitive - people don't know what to say. My mother died a long time ago but I wouldn't expect anything from anyone on that date - maybe some kind words from dh if we are talking about her.

MrsTedCrilly Sun 14-Jun-15 08:41:26

Sorry for your loss OP flowers dreading the 1 year anniversary myself. If he knew about it then it is a little shitty not to say anything, but probably just thoughtless. My DP wouldn't remember this in a million years either but I know he cares.

youbethemummylion Sun 14-Jun-15 08:50:47

I know some people place great significance on the date a loved one died (they call it a memory up here like 'I can't come out tonight it's my Grandads memory) however my family have never done this I couldn't tell you the date my grandparents died and they only died last year. Maybe it just didn't click with DH that today was the anniversary as he doesn't place as much importance on a date. It doesn't mean he cares any less. If it is important to you maybe remind him a few days before next year so he can support you in the way you would like.

Cosmomouse Sun 14-Jun-15 08:56:10

I think I'm feeling worse because he's been banging on recently about how hard a time his friend has been having as it's 5 years since his dad died, and he sent him a text to see how he was doing.

I did expect the same courtesy/thoughtfulness, but will take your comments on board.

Maybe I'm taking my hurt out on him which isn't fair. I've just apologised to him.

Baddz Sun 14-Jun-15 09:00:18

It will be 2 years next month since my dad died.
My Dh helped me do CPR, went with him in the ambulance, was wonderful.
He won't remember the anniversary.
Please be kind to yourself and your Dh.
It's a tough time and your emotions are running high.
I am sorry for your loss x

Bunbaker Sun 14-Jun-15 09:04:22

I'm kind of with youbet. My family don't attach great significance to death anniversaries, but OH's family do for his sister. OH is so absent minded that he just forgets (after all, it is over 40 years since she died). If it had been a year since any of my family had died OH wouldn't have remembered either. Also, if your OH wasn't as close to your dad as you were it wouldn't have been as important to him.

YANBU to feel upset, but YABU to expect him to remember and feel the same as you do.

Cosmomouse Sun 14-Jun-15 09:15:11

Before he left I had bought a wreath to take to his grave so it's not a case of him not remembering, more that he didn't think.

We had contact from other family members and even his parents took flowers as they were friendly.

He was only 47 when he died.

I think I'm being a bit dramatic though, just feeling very alone and hormonal!

Cosmomouse Sun 14-Jun-15 09:19:12

I think it was that my ils acknowledged it and he didn't is what's making me feel hurt, actually.

Bloody emotions


Peanut14 Sun 14-Jun-15 09:22:49

I don't think you're being dramatic, a simple acknowledgement of the day was all you needed. He only needed to text you asking if you were alright, (sorry I don't buy into this 'some people don't know what to say).

Sorry for your loss.

Only1scoop Sun 14-Jun-15 09:24:10


He could be a little more sensitive

PattiODoors Sun 14-Jun-15 09:24:23

I am so sorry
Anniversaries can really sweep you sideways


LindyHemming Sun 14-Jun-15 09:25:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shattered77 Sun 14-Jun-15 10:06:11

YANBU. There should have been flowers, phone call, the whole shebang. Very poor form on his part, especially for a first anniversary that he couldn't be with you for. I wouldn't care about other family not saying anything, but he is your husband!! This was a huge deal and he has totally messed up. Selfish and unthinking.

Poppet1974 Sun 14-Jun-15 10:25:14

I'm with you Op, he should have done something, the very least he could have done was to send you a text acknowledging the significance of the day.
I'm so sorry for your loss, anniversaries are very hard for some of us especially the first one.
You shouldn't feel crap about the situation, your DH should.

RaisingMen Sun 14-Jun-15 10:27:47

YANBU. I'm really sorry for your loss flowers

SorchaN Sun 14-Jun-15 11:54:47

I went to a synagogue a little while ago and people provided food after the service to mark the Jahrzeit (anniversary) of the death of a loved one. I remember thinking it would be the sort of thing that would help my mother in her grief, except she's Christian and it doesn't seem to happen in churches.

I suppose not everyone feels the need to mark the anniversary, but many do, and I think it's important for those close to a bereaved person to remember.

YANBU, and I hope your husband will spend some time with you today remembering your dad. Sorry for your loss flowers.

PeppermintCrayon Sun 14-Jun-15 11:56:11

I understand why you're upset, but anniversaries aren't significant to everyone and I think he's been stupid but without meaning to cause hurt.

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