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to have not realised this man would never rtr

(26 Posts)
idokidok13 Sat 13-Jun-15 21:33:59

'D'P once filmed me on his phone when we were having sex (and I was pregnant) without be knowing, until I saw it on his phone after he left it up on the screen. Apparently he knew i would say no and it's something he wanted to do so just didnt ask me. I feel violated and kind of like he took my right to decide if im in a fucking porn video or nor away. We'd been together probablg about 10 months then. Hes saying that he now thinks this what wrong.This was 2 years ago but since then he's lies to me a lot about stupid things and not been very helpful, nice or understanding when DS was born etc
I should have just ditched him then and there shouldn't I?? I mean he proved he's willing to do things that I wouldn't like with behind my back basically and thinks that's ok.
or am I overreacting? I think I kinda underreacted because I was pregnant and freaking our at the time but he thinks im basically being mental to bring it up but I can't forget it

idokidok13 Sat 13-Jun-15 21:34:50

Title is supposed to be '...would never treat me with respect'

chippednailvarnish Sat 13-Jun-15 21:35:53

LTB and report him to the Police.


idokidok13 Sat 13-Jun-15 21:38:18

It just freaks me out, TMI I know but it was doggy and he picked up his phone to film and i couldn't see because he was behind me. Makes mw feel kinda like an idiot, there i was, pregnant and vulnerable mid sex and he was taking advantage of me being trusting i guess is how it feels. Just gross.

idokidok13 Sat 13-Jun-15 21:40:33

Now people are going to think im one of those weird sex pest trolls. I'm not. Its just the details felt necessary to explain how much of an idiot i feel that he was doing that and I had no idea.

wanttosqueezeyou Sat 13-Jun-15 21:43:24

You're not over reacting. You should have ditched him them.

Utterly disrespectful.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt Sat 13-Jun-15 21:44:47

God, that's vile. you are certainly not over-reacting. What a pig he is. I trust the video has been deleted.

And yes, you need to get rid of him.

PtolemysNeedle Sat 13-Jun-15 21:48:25

You feel violated because you have been violated. You are not over reacting. It sounds like you fell into a long term relationship with this man because you found yourself pregnant, not because you liked, loved and cared for each other. You don't have to stay with him just because you have a child together, especially as he's showing you very clearly what sort of person he is and how he feels about you.

idokidok13 Sat 13-Jun-15 21:50:06

Not much point reporting him to the police ot was eleted along time ago and he has a different phone now so no proof. Plus I don't think he realised it was that wrong at the time? I dunno. Is it even illegal? I thought it was only illegal to put it on the internet?
So confusing because sometimes he seems so nice!

Topseyt Sat 13-Jun-15 23:02:22

He knew you would not consent, so of course he realised it was wrong.

He violated you, and he was happy to do so. You should kick him into the long grass.

I don't want to scaremonger, but can you really be sure that the video has been deleted? It may not make any difference that he now has a different phone. These days things are often stored off-site in cloud storage, so are available from any device the owner signs into. I do hope you are right though, and it has been deleted.

MamaLazarou Sat 13-Jun-15 23:06:10

He is no good, OP, and you deserve better.

MamaLazarou Sat 13-Jun-15 23:07:53

Please trust your instinct on this: a man who films you having sex without your consent is seriously not worth your time, trust or love.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 13-Jun-15 23:12:22

Yes it's illegal. He did it without your consent. Not sure what the actual crime is but it will be against the law for sure.

idokidok13 Sun 14-Jun-15 00:51:58

I can't believe I've wasted 3 years of my life with someone whose never has respect for me and its my fault because ir should have been so obvious sad
It really, really hurts that im not worth being treated nicely. Not just with this, with loads of things. Apparently because he had seen topleaa photos of me on my laptop (that I took myself, for an ex, which is a totally normal thing to do) he thought it would be fine!? So he thinks im a whore basically.
The man I loved and trusted and who is fjr father of my child has never liked me and thought/thinks im a whore.
Wtf. This is the first proper relationship I've had and I don't know what to feel

kali110 Sun 14-Jun-15 01:07:57

It wouldn't make you a whore if you did agree to the video, but the point is you did not.
Are you certain the video has gone?
Could he have backed it up to a computer?
Is it an iphone? Icloud storage? Saved on another phone?
You should dump.
If he still does not realise what he did was wrong he never will.

SmillasSenseOfSnow Sun 14-Jun-15 02:08:51

Wtf. This is the first proper relationship I've had and I don't know what to feel
I think quite a lot of people take a few relationships to establish how well they deserve to be treated. This video issue needs to be dealt with if possible and if you want to (police etc if there is likely to be proof around, and if that's a route you want to go down), but otherwise you need to dump this guy and move on. Make room for someone who'll respect you. Maybe do the Freedom Programme.

By the way - ignorance is not a defence in law. Not that he was ignorant - he did it behind your back because he knew you wouldn't consent.

GoldfishCrackers Sun 14-Jun-15 02:30:24

Filming you without your consent is vile.
His justification is vile: you took photos of yourself for one man so another man is allowed to film you having sex without your consent?

I think your comment "sometimes he seems so nice" is important. Any partner of yours needs to do better than "sometimes" and "seem". Particularly when at other times his behaviour is sexually abusive and downright illegal.

BMW6 Sun 14-Jun-15 06:36:07

He is a vile cunt. You deserve so much better.

BreadmakerFan Sun 14-Jun-15 06:40:17

What are you going to do?

Posting revenge porn is a crime now, not that that is any consolation when you're all over the Internet sad.

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise Sun 14-Jun-15 07:14:23

I would report it to the police, and I don't say that lightly at all. It might be that he's done this to many women before you.

You need to ditch him, for the sake of your physical and mental health and the wellbeing of your child.

I'm sorry this happened to you, please don't blame yourself.

idokidok13 Sun 14-Jun-15 07:46:32

I just feel a bit like a dick being so mad about it now, cause it happened years ago but I somehow forgot, I thought he just started treating me with no respect and being selfish after DS was born (first day back from hospital so 3 days later, he drove me and ds home then fucked off to his mothers house for the afternoon/night because he was 'soooooo tored' and needed sleep. Ffs. Would wake me up and shout ar me on the odd occasion that he did do a night with DS etc) he was freaked out and overwhelmed etc but he's always been like this because this was before DS, so I think he is just a bit of a twat.
Apparnetly I violate his trust "all the time" by talking yo people about our issues. By "people" he means my one friend who lives miles away now and occaisonally online but no one k one who he is and I just dint see how thats the same. he doesn't know this username btw
its just hard because I want a nice family and another baby and I know its probably never going to be nice with him.

idokidok13 Sun 14-Jun-15 07:50:42

Oh I know agreeing to it wouldn't have made me a whore, im not judging anyone or anything! What I meant was, he was treating me like a whore/someone just there for his sexual pleasure and not a person. He even said he probably had no respect for me as a person at that time, am I right in thinking that if he had no respect for me he shouldn't have put his penis in me and should have fucked off.

ollieplimsoles Sun 14-Jun-15 08:28:13

Do you have access to his phone/pc/laptop? If I were you before you LTB I would do a sweep and get rid of anything he has of you over a few days, then pack your bags and go to a safe place for a bit. Do you have somewhere to go temporarily? He sounds awful and really creepy flowers

Have the police on hand to, they might be able to seize his computer/ mobile. You did not give consent for this video to be made.

idokidok13 Sun 14-Jun-15 08:41:51

Its an old phone, we don't live together any more (he did something else a while back and I aksed him to move out, we were still togther though. a real keeper this one ffs) so I can't check his stuff for it, I do think its been deleted but he could have saved it an an SD card and actually probably did but how would I know, I did believe that he'd deleted it but I need to stop beleiving things he says because he's obviously not a trust worthy person

kali110 Mon 15-Jun-15 15:21:22

I don't think he is no.
You deserve better x

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