To end the relationship between DS and his Dad

(16 Posts)
adrianna22 Sat 13-Jun-15 12:51:10

Hi,

DS, 5, "sees" his dad every other Saturday. The issue is (and this has always been an issue), the dad (most of the time) fails to come and see DS. He would see DS one week and wouldn't see DS again after 2 months.

We both agreed to the arrangement that he will see DS every other Saturday, but he keeps breaking this arrangement. He makes many excuses such as; " I have no money to travel", "I have no money to treat him", "it's raining, it will be best for DS to stay home" etc.

I have repeatedly told him that he cannot do this, that he is disappointing DS and needs a constant routine.

My friends are outraged that I have allowed the relationship between his dad and DS to continue after he has failed many times to see DS and strongly advised that I should end the contact between them. On the other side, my friends say that I shouldn't end the relationship and tell DS dad this his son will be there for him when he decides (to bother) to see his DS.

Has anybody else been in this situation? and what was the outcome?

Fromparistoberlin73 Sat 13-Jun-15 12:55:07

It's a tough one op

Right now your ex is really hurting your son . And yet u don't think legally or morally you can 'stop ' him having a father

Sometimes the best thing is to do nothing - withdraw , and assume that for the very foreseeable future your son so t see his dad .

I think his reaction will tell you a lot - also does he have a family who want a relationship worth your son as that's quite important

But yes if it's hurting your son and disappointing him something needs to be done xx

SunnyBaudelaire Sat 13-Jun-15 12:55:17

yes I have been in that situation, the relationship fizzled out what with the dad not making any effort at all.
However, be very careful as if you 'end the relationship' your ex will use that against you in years to come, as in 'she stopped me seeing my child'.
It is very tricky.

googoodolly Sat 13-Jun-15 12:58:18

I don't think you can end the relationship, but maybe don't keep telling DS he'll see his dad beforehand? If he turns up, great, he has DS, but if not, you can take him out on your own and he doesn't have to know his dad didn't bother.

Just keep a record of all the times he failed to show, and keep all communication via email so you have a paper trail to show DS when he gets older and asks why he never saw his dad.

adrianna22 Sat 13-Jun-15 12:59:41

I don't know what to do. I am also worried about that SunnyBaudelaire. But this has been going on since DS has been born, I thought this would change, but sadly it hasn't.

Yes Fromparis.. his family do want a relationship with DS and they regularly see him.

adrianna22 Sat 13-Jun-15 13:00:39

Should I stop the contact between myself and his dad, in regards to see his son?

SunnyBaudelaire Sat 13-Jun-15 13:01:26

do you talk to him on the phone or face to face?
Perhaps just contact him by email.

Fromparistoberlin73 Sat 13-Jun-15 13:01:37

Then that's good - maybe withdraw from him and assume he is going to be a no show and invest more effort I to the family x how often do you speak ? Advice to have no expectations whatsoever xx

googoodolly Sat 13-Jun-15 13:02:33

I would keep it all by e-mail. Don't stop contact but maybe leave it to ex to initiate?

romeomorningwhisky Sat 13-Jun-15 13:03:43

I would try & stay chilled,

Not make any effort but accommodate when he's around.

My daughter's Dad couldn't care less about her, we live in the same town.
Mouths off plenty saying I stop him seeing her.
I don't.
He's not seen her in 18 months.
I would love for her to have a Dad that genuinely wanted to see her.
Also it's so hard being painted out as one of these women that use kids as a weapon especially when it's not actually true.

It's so tough as kids need routine.
You're in the worst position as you need to pick up the pieces & explain for him which is unfair.

Would there be an option to put something more formal into practice then it is a bit more set in stone & needs stuck to then you can suggest calling it a day knowing you've done all you can.

SunnyBaudelaire Sat 13-Jun-15 13:04:01

something like this went on for years with my ex and the children , adrianna.
They remember waiting for him to not show for hours at the train station, or waiting for hours in the house as he switched his phone off and did not show up.
Despite them remembering this very well, he STILL tells them that I 'prevented him from seeing them'.
so be very careful, my ex would have had no qualms in repeating this shite to social workers, for example.

LaLyra Sat 13-Jun-15 13:04:36

I wouldn't end it. I would give him a short window of time, not tell DS that he might be coming so that if he doesn't come DS isn't disappointed and then once the time is past note it down and get on with your day without another thought.

That way in future if he tries to play the "she stopped me" card you can show him/his family/the court/DS that you didn't, you did everything to facilitate the relationship for DS's sake, but his father decided not to bother.

My sister-in-law had a similar issue. Her DD is now 15, knows that her Dad didn't bother and knows that her Mum maade sure she was available from 10-11am every other Sunday. She has no relationship with her Dad due to him lying when he got back in touch with her at 13 (he was remarrying ad suddenly had a need to look like a good dad so his gf helped him "fight" for access to his dughter) and saying that her Mum wouldn't let him.

ArseForElbow Sat 13-Jun-15 13:05:19

I was in this situation with 2 DC, and was advised that having an 'ad-hoc dad' would be worse for them in the long term so I withdrew from him completely and he just stopped getting in touch, now the DC don't want to see him, so haven't for 4 years.

SunnyBaudelaire Sat 13-Jun-15 13:05:35

yes that is a good idea, say something like 'we will only wait til 10AM'.
Keep a diary.

LobsterQuadrille Sat 13-Jun-15 13:07:45

Hi OP, yes, a very similar situation except that my DD's father didn't manage up until she was five. Contact fizzled around two years old and, after three years of this (I was overseas at the time, as was ex H) I decided to come back to the UK with DD. I told ex H that, while I would never cut contact between him and DD, DD needed a more stable upbringing. I left it "open" which was a risk but, despite coming back to the UK many times, he has only seen DD once since then, and that was many years ago. I always had a great relationship with his mother and still see her twice a year, and DD speaks to her most weeks. I'm also in contact with ex H's sister and father, although less so. I have always made it a point to tell DD about her father and the things we did together is the happy years, so she knows that we were a proper couple at one time.

Ex H has never paid anything for DD, which I am fine with as I feel that I didn't "owe" him anything. He has recently made contact with DD via email (DD is nearly 18) and I have left any decision up to her - he's in another country and is married with two children, so it's possible that she'll see him one day but my gut instinct tells me it's unlikely.

Good luck with whatever you decide is best for you and your DS.

adrianna22 Sat 13-Jun-15 13:12:12

Sunny We contact each other on the phone, mainly to remind him that he has to pick up DS. But recently I have decided to stop contacting him and to let him contact me.

He fails to turn up to DS medical appointments. I remember when DS had an operation and I contacted him countless of times to see DS, but he never did. He was lazy to wake up and spent the next two days at his friend's house. I refused to speak to him for 3 months.

I have a court case coming up regarding DS and I put his name down on the parent attendance, but I'm contemplating whether I should withdraw his name as I am worried he will disappoint DS again.

His just useless.

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