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Would it be unreasonable/OTT to call the police?

(23 Posts)
Dmunkley23 Fri 12-Jun-15 16:35:06

Hiya all, I've come on here to ask a question about something thats happened to my wife and I today.
I'm male as you've probably guessed and wanted female perspective on this before making a decision, my wife understandably does not wish to discuss it at the minute.
My wife and I unfortunately lost a baby under 2 weeks ago, It was/is a very sad time for us. While we were trying for a little one she joined a website, quite like this one but not this one. for pregnant women/parents to come and talk about babies, pregnancy and children etc. my wife did not get on too well on this website, lots of people first accused her of being fake as she was a new member and was posting a few different types of threads (some about beauty products, some about fertility problems/pcos and some about emotive topics) her "get stuck right in" approach didn't seem to work. she had enough and decided to leave but in her time on this site she made friends with a few ladies who seemed nice enough, these ladies had their own facebook group, all of them from this site but the group was separate from the site so my wife went on there in hopes of carrying on some friendships from the group. Anyhow, today wife went on facebook and posted on this group about what had happened in terms of our loss, she'd found it too hard to do until today. Also, bear in mind my wife has a very private facebook, no one can see whos posted on her wall, who shes friends with, whos statuses she's commented on etc. anyway, a lady from this group messaged her and said "Forgive me for my suspicion but have you got any photo of you and dave * me * or any photos of you whilst pregnant?" my wife asked what she was getting at and what she meant by suspicious the lady told my wife that she thought she was lying, no one had seen any posts from me on her wall or profile and assumed she wasn't really married to a bloke named dave and that she was never pregnant, it was also brought up that none of her other friends had written anything on her fb wall. they have just no one but my wife can see them. my wife said to the lady that she felt very attacked and quite sickened that someone would say or imply such a thing so soon after a loss but sent 2 pics, one of us on our honeymoon and one of her very obviously pregnant and mentioned another lady on the group had spoken to me a few months ago (I work in HR and she needed help with her cv and cover letter) this woman carried on and said 2 more vile things (I'm sorry ladies its too vile to repeat) then blocked my wife. half an hour later i got an inbox message off a different lady (Still from this same group) this message said "can you tell your psychotic "wife" that lying about a baby dying aint on" my reply was
"My wife and I have just been through nigh on 2 weeks of absolute hell. Now I suggest you do yourself a big favor and leave this where it is. Seriously where do you get off on causing people who've just been through a loss so much distress? I got a call off her while in knee deep in work because one of your other members had had a go at her and called her a liar, then blocked her when she sent her a photo of her bump, Honestly I can't believe a group of people from a parenting site could be so bloody vile! are you proud of yourselves? I will be blocking you and anyone else who wants to contact myself or * wife *, All messages are being kept and logged as well as photos of your profiles. If I get so much as one more message I will not hesitate to involve the relevant authorities, I want my wife and I to grieve in peace not receive this crap" I know i probably dont come across at my best in that message but I'm just so annoyed! these people have been my wifes "friends" for a good 10 months (She was on this site while we were trying too) wife has also met up with one lady in person and got on well and they still go for coffee every so often, this is the only lady on the group that is horrified by what we've endured so soon after a loss and has been talking to my wife throughout the day, checking shes ok etc like any decent friend would. My wife has said that there have been other posts too on this group (which she can't see as she left the group but her friends can). 1. any advice for what i can do to help my wife through all of this would be appreciated and 2. would it be OTT of me to actually go to police if i/we get another nasty message from anyone in this group? any other time i wouldn't care but i'm so angry for my wife.

cjt110 Fri 12-Jun-15 16:39:41

I cant really help but I didn't want to read and run.

I am sorry for the loss you have both suffered and vile behavior of your wife's so called friends. I find that when people are behind a keyboard, they have much more balls to say something they wouldst say to someone's face.

I personally would just remove myself from the situation/group and block any members. Neither of you need that kind of hassle in your life. Block and move on flowers

usualsuspect333 Fri 12-Jun-15 16:42:06

just block them all and move on.

Icimoi Fri 12-Jun-15 16:42:36

I think this would only be a police matter if the messages you refer to were threatening.

midnightvelvet01 Fri 12-Jun-15 16:43:10

I'm sorry for your loss flowers

Don't engage with them any more, just delete & block them, your wife too. Ignore ignore ignore.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 12-Jun-15 16:44:46

Disengage. Block and report all the senders of nasty messages. Leave the group. Anyone tjat really matters will know the truth. Get your wife on MN instead - there is great support here.

Dont give the other site/FB group another thought. They really aren't worth it.

Look after yourselves, and focus on yourselves you have had a very tough time flowers

Gruntfuttock Fri 12-Jun-15 16:45:29

It's not a police matter. I'm sorry for the loss you and your wife have suffered and for the additional stress that has been caused by these horrible people, but I really think the best thing is to cease to have anything to do with them.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 12-Jun-15 16:46:30

Bereavement thread here if you think it would be helpful:

Do you and your wife really need another battle on your hands when you are working through your grief? These people are horrible and your best bet is to walk away. They aren't going to provide the support your wife needs and are actively hurting her. I would just block them.

The only thing I will say in their defence is unfortunately people really do troll about these types of topics. There have been some bad ones on this site and I was on another site where someone was posting fake pics of "their sick baby" copied from the internet.

Rely on your real life true friends for support right now. Sorry for all you've been through.

AnyoneForTennis Fri 12-Jun-15 16:49:29

I agree with everyone else. It's not a police matter at all

Sorry for your loss

midnightvelvet01 Fri 12-Jun-15 16:49:38

Oh & both you & your wife are more then welcome to come on here & talk about your loss or anything related or in fact anything you like, but AIBU is not the best place for this. There is a specific bereavement topic or a topic called Chat where threads disappear after 3 months, which is useful sometimes.

Best wishes to you both

wheresthelight Fri 12-Jun-15 16:50:17

I am so sorry for your loss!! What an awful thing to have to go through without vile people making it worse!

It might be worth a call to 111 to discuss your options but I think the best thing you can do it give your wife lots of hugs and support and try to help her move past this

StrawberryMojito Fri 12-Jun-15 16:51:28

If the messages continue (and are not part of a two sided conversation), it could be considered harassment but the easiest thing to do is block them (police will also advise this).

midnightvelvet01 Fri 12-Jun-15 16:52:28

Just to clarify 111 is the NHS Direct number, could the previous poster have meant 101 which is the non emergency police number smile

aintgonnabenorematch Fri 12-Jun-15 16:55:03

It's not a Police matter but I can understand how upsetting it is for you both.

For what it's worth - trolls are well known for posting on bereavement threads. There have been a few threads on here where trolls have created a back story and profile of months and posted on bereavement threads or premature birth threads for ages with fictional stories. There was one on here not long ago who started a premium baby thread which got hundreds of posts of support and advice.

They cause enormous distress to genuine posters who then share their own experiences and emotionally invest in someone's fake life.

The people suggesting you are trolls should not have contacted you but raised concerns for site administrators to investigate but sadly, trolls on these kind of topics are common.

Sorry for your loss and the additional distress that has been caused by these people.

Angie611 Fri 12-Jun-15 16:57:55

I sympathise completely as I suffered a late miscarriage 3 weeks ago. I know what a harrowing experience it is and how fragile you and your wife must be feeling. These "ladies" (and I use that word loosely) have showed despicable insensitive behaviour. Just remember, these people do not know you, they are not real friends because real friends wouldn't say those things. Do as the other posters have said, block them and move on. If you or your wife want to talk to someone who actually understands what it is to suffer such a terrible loss, I am available to chat to x

aintgonnabenorematch Fri 12-Jun-15 16:58:06

PREMATURE baby thread. Sorry for typo.

QueenofLouisiana Fri 12-Jun-15 16:59:06

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

Despite it's reputation as a nest of vipers, MN has a hugely supportive network of people. I hope you and your wife find it more useful.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Fri 12-Jun-15 17:02:14

As others have said, just block them (phone numbers too) and move on.

I've seen some awful trolling things over the years (on various forums), you name it, people make it up and sometimes it can make people hardened and suspicious of that type of thread (it doesn't excuse their behaviour though).

The bereavements forum here is nice and supportive, and MN have pretty stringent rules about accusing people of being trolls so it's not a bad place to visit.

Oh, and the other friend who's telling your wife what people are still saying in the group, she's not being helpful. I don't think your wife needs to know about who's saying what.

Sorry for your loss flowers

Spydra Fri 12-Jun-15 17:29:32

It's not a police matter because no crime has been committed. It is however, vile.

There are folders here for bereavement and miscarriage - and you and your wife might find better friends here.

Whatisaweekend Fri 12-Jun-15 17:43:26

Oh god I am so sorry not only for the dreadful pain you are going through following your loss but also with these vile, pathetic excuses for human beings. If the only proper friend is willing, I would ask her to relay the definite message that you were 100% truthfull at all times and if there is even a hint of anymore nastiness you will involve the police (if there is a lot more then possibly harrasment?)

Other than that, as others have said, you can only block and move on. You can take the small comfort that you are nice people and not like these monsters. I hope they are not local so you will not run into them at any point.

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 13-Jun-15 13:47:42

They have backed themselves into a self righteous vitriol filled corner and cannot back down without some serious egg on their faces.

This means, no matter what evidence you or your wife present, none of it will be believed. They are on an outrage crusade and to admit they were mistaken would be to admit they've been even more vile than the cruel attention seeking they falsely accused your wife of.

Block the lot but keep they evidence in case they do decide to continue and it tips into harassment. If you wanted to see a solicitor now to ascertain whether it might already legally be at that point or what steps you should take now, that may put your mind at some rest.

However they won't apologise because they'd have to admit they behaved terribly to a recently bereaved mother.

ttc2015 Sat 13-Jun-15 22:12:15

Im so sorry for your loss. If you want to talk please pm me, I miscarried early on but perhaps I can help. These people are vile, block them.

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