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a poem about how i feel bout 2y/o

(17 Posts)
babybooboo123 Fri 12-Jun-15 15:01:07

my poem😞
 when your around me i feel so low,
 oh how i wish these feelings would go,
 i want to be happy when i around you,
 i wish i could love you as a mother should do,
 you are my baby girl and i want to be proud,
 my head is a mess and its hard to put right ,as stupid as that sounds,
 i wish i could love you like i do the boys
 but all you do is hit them with their own toys
 the things you do the most Is hit your family and friends and cry,
 times like that make me want to say bye,
  you are HARD work every single day
  why cant you be nice, Laugh and play
 you have devolopment problems i understand that,
 your my daughter and thats a fact,
 when you hit your brothers it makes me mad,
 as how you act so bloody bad!,
 people think your a perfect child,
 but i wont except that i'm in denial
 I dont find you pretty in any way,
 i know thats a horrible thing to say,
 i dont think i would miss you if you wernt here.
 sometime i do wish you would disappear.
 i know all this is so wrong to say
 i wish i could change things right now, today!
 i never told no one for two years because i thought i would of be week,
 but mainly i never had the Confidence to speak.
 i'm trying my hardest to speak aloud
 but i cant say it infront of a crowd,
 i feel so alone about my feelings towards you,
 but i cant lie and weep anymore but all i say is the gods hosnest Truth.
 i feel ashamed for lying for so long,
 but i didnt feel in my arms you belonged,
 i am depressed i know that
 and for that i feel such a prat
 if i didnt tell the health visitor
 i would still be ill and sick for ever more,
 i want the right feeling to come in a hurry,
 somewhere deep down inside my heart i do love you, and all i want to say is, IM SORRY!

aibu to write this, i didnt write it to give to her, i was depressed in bed and i just wrote it!! sad

babybooboo123 Fri 12-Jun-15 15:02:09

im sorry about all the A and E thingys blush

ReputableBiscuit Fri 12-Jun-15 15:10:42

I think you need help bonding with your child. Does anybody know this is how you feel? Health visitor, GP, partner?

Niloufes Fri 12-Jun-15 15:13:23

Its always best to get your feelings out and if its on paper in a poem thats ok. I think you need to speak to someone other than mumsneters. Perhaps you have a touch of PND still. Seek help, tell you partner/husband talk these things through.

babybooboo123 Fri 12-Jun-15 15:13:24

health visitor and husband gota go gp soon but the got no appontments for a week!

babybooboo123 Fri 12-Jun-15 15:14:26

i mean i have told my husbant and HV

babybooboo123 Fri 12-Jun-15 15:17:48

im always writing things about my daughter and never my sons, i do get so fed up of her but yet i cant stop writing things ,my husband doesnt want to hear me say how i feel about her! so i kinda have no choose but to write things x

Niloufes Fri 12-Jun-15 15:25:05

I think perhaps if you have not worked out a way of tackling these feelings by talking to your husband and the health visitor then go talk to your GP. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and they can really help.

GloGirl Fri 12-Jun-15 15:28:01

What has your health visitor advised? It's really important you start to work on fixing this rift.

I'm so very sorry you struggle this way sad What do you think it stems from?

AmberLav Fri 12-Jun-15 15:35:34

2 years is a tough age, and my DD is much more challenging than her brother was, she's just more confident, and her favourite thing to do is to wind her 4 year old brother up, and make him cry. I'm trying to teach him that she is a piranha of attention, and she's just doing it to get any form of attention, but he can't get that...

I think you just need to make a gp appointment, even if it is not for a week, and speak honestly about how you feel. I'm not certain that speaking with your husband about this will help, I think you need a third party who is properly trained to work to the source of these feelings... You know that you do love her, so the base work is there... good luck!

babybooboo123 Fri 12-Jun-15 23:44:56

my daughter was born 3months early and because of that shes got developmental problems shes 32months old consultants and other medical people have given her a Estimated age of an 18 month baby. I have 3 children a 3 year old then her 2 year old and then a 26 week old. I am on the pill so I wont be havin any more babies in a hurry.
I have told the health visitor about how i feel and she's started doing one to ones with me but I don't feel any different about her. I still feel like I'm her mum i just feel like I'm looking after someone else's child'. She really gets me down with her stupid moaning and lashing out at her baby brother! She even BITES him when she gets told off. so because of that i DO NOT leave her little brother in the same room as her. She's A little bully' ... But daddy thinks the sun shines out her ass! Sorry for the long post ... But I am ringing up the Gp Monday morning to see if they got any appointemt that were cancelled. hopefully they might sort out my stupid head! x x

babybooboo123 Fri 12-Jun-15 23:46:20

i meant to say i feel like im NOT her mum,

GlitterTwinkleToes Fri 12-Jun-15 23:57:00

Hey booboo.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Kids are fricking hard work at the best of times.

What did your hv say if you don't mind me asking?

I had, and still recovering, from PND with my Dd who's 15mo. She too was a premmie and has developmental issues. Some of what you wrote really struck a chord with me. I'm not gonna lie it.was fucking hard work and I still have those days of wishing I could return her.

Do you ever have time with just the two of you? Doing an activity together or just going out for a walk? You seem frantic, I'm not surprised with three kids! Do you ever get a break from it all?

With her lashing out at the baby, jealousy? Wanting attention from you?

I'm sorry, you seem really negative about her shes a little bully... But daddy thinks the sun.shines out of her ass
Is there not one positive thing you can think about her and try and concentrate on that (Im not gonna lie, when they're playing up it is hard to concentrate on the good bits)

Sorry for the epic post blush

Goldenbear Fri 12-Jun-15 23:57:06

She's a mere baby herself - the only way to fix this is to reconcile yourself with that thought and treat her with the understanding she deserves.

My youngest is a 4 year old DD and she's still very 'assertive', not a great listener, still runs off etc but she's '4', it's no age at all and I get a lot better behaviour from her when I show her love and understanding. Resenting a little child is 'never' going to help your situation, even if you have to 'act' like the kind of Mother you would like to be towards her, it is better than 'disliking' a 2 year old, 'your' 2 year old.

babybooboo123 Sat 13-Jun-15 00:18:15

I am sick of pretending tho, fake smiles,fake laugh, i have tried to plat with her and she will just not be intrested, she'll just run around chucking toys or shouting ''dada dada'' thats it i havent got the patients with her at all! the health visitor is just talking to me about my past with my parents ect, she asks how I feel and what annoys me, I've only seen her a couple of time, cuz I never told anyone for 2years not even my husband, even my husband thinks I'm mean right all because she gets told off by me atleast 10 times in 5mins, I live in the middle of no where its like the film the wrong turn! the just nothing, I have no1 to talk to as there are 3 houses and there all 60 70 years old, I'm 21 soon, I need to talk to people my own age! hmm I have never had a day to myself without the kids cuz daddy wouldn't cope (his words) I am always to stressed and tired, you name it i got it lol x

GlitterTwinkleToes Sat 13-Jun-15 00:38:27

Sometimes you've just gotta fake it till you make it.
At her corrected age of 18 months [is that right?) are kids really interested in playing? I thought it was all about making the mess and destroying everything or maybe that's just mine.

Do you have a garden where you could go out into. A bowl of washing up liquid, some chalks? Do some sort of crafts with her?

How does your partner act with her? Could you copy something he does? I know how frustrating it is when they're being a little shit for you and perfectly behaved for someone else. It does get you down!

Does she suspect that you have PND? It's completely obvious to me that you have and I hope that they're going to help you! A year ago I hated my life, my daughter, I wished that I sought help alot sooner.

Of course your frustrated, you are 20 with three kids and Your stuck in a rut and things need to change!

Which brings me onto the next bit. your relationship with your partner? He doesn't seem emotionally supportive of you at all, what does he do you with the kids and house? does he work?
Where are your family and friends? Do they know you're struggling? Any chance they could help out even if it's just taking the kids to.the.park for.half hour

Tell him that he is having the children, he will fucking cope because you.know. They're his kids as well! And you are going out to relax escape for a few hours.and tough shit really smile

Is there no baby groups you could attend? Library sessions for the toddlers? Possibly some churches run a morning/afternoon sessions.

Fuck me you deserve a medal! I'm 23 AND struggle with just the one

babybooboo123 Sat 13-Jun-15 13:42:43

thanks fir your reply, I am being deaf serious now there ain't no parks the aint not group there's no other children here all the is is fields and woods! That's it, my husband doesn't work due to an accident, my husband doesn't hardly do anything in the house nor help much with the kids, I have only just this week got back intouch with my dad due to and argument regarding family members interfering, but he lives over 30 miles away, I have tried doing arts and crafts with her but she will run off or eat what ever you give her, my husband just picks her up and plays with her but not our sons, so there is always tention in the house, since ive told him how I feel about her hes changed and any argument we have is always about her and its always MY fault, apparently, , I have tried getting her to come for a walk but she will just go to daddy, I dint think she realize that I have depression as I act as if nothings wrong and I try to treat them all the same, she was born 3months early and she is 32months old now, I am at my wits end with her, and sometimes I just don't want to see her or hear her,she has the most annoying high pitched voice ever, id rather listen to someone scratch the nails down a chalk board! its that bad! I do everything as if im a single parent apart from receive money, I love my husband ever so dearly, I have told him to step up, but it works for a week and then back to square one, I am arranging to go the GP but its getting there as we dont drive and it would cost £30 in a taxi, and its 4miles away, I have also said we need a car but he said he can't justify having one to sit in a drive way, well see , I think I need the high dose of anti depressants confused but like I also said i aint afraid if asking for help for the kids but when it comes down to me, I aint got the confidence to do so,,,..... never mind it can't get any worse,.. but the main thing is me actually feeling like I hate her and i know I wouldn't miss her if I didn't see her.. I know that's horrible to say about my daughter but that's the truth! it is BAD! X

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