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To sometimes resent my relationship with overweight person?

(74 Posts)
PurpleProseStinkinRose Fri 12-Jun-15 12:45:48

Sorry... this could trigger a lot of venom but please read what I am saying very carefully.
I don't resent the weight itself. DH was overweight when I met him and physically this was not a problem in the least for me. But I hate the attitude that goes with his lifestyle. It's not about dropping a few pounds or being a bit healthier. It's all about pie, mash, and chips and the rest of us should be ok with this. I really enjoy cooking from scratch and authentic dishes as well. My DH enjoys my cooking too but before I feed him and after dinner, he'll eat an entire bag of crisps and a pack of biscuits. He justifies this by saying he doesn't love fish, for example. So if I serve fish, I always have a bit of a heart-sink because I know it won't be a big meaty dish he can sink his teeth into and he'll be a bit sulky about this. But then when I do serve a big meaty dish and he eats a pack of crisps before dinner, it's like "Oh well, I didn't have lunch today." I never nag him about his bad eating habits because I'm not his mum and he should know better by now how to look after himself. It's his body, not mine.
But I hate the example he gives our kids. I can't stand how he sits there munching and polishing off a bag of crisps and I'm telling him, "don't give any to the kids, dinner's in 10 minutes". When he's home it's just about eating in front of the TV or falling asleep in front of it. I find it really depressing. It was ridiculous. We were on holiday and from the beach to the seaside restaurant was a 5 minute walk. He drove the car from one end of the beach parking lot to the other end of the beach parking lot while the kids and I walked. It took him longer to move the car and go down the stairs to the restaurant than it did for me and three kids to walk!
I'm a bitch aren't I? :-/ I sound like a really intolerant bitch of a wife. But I find it so depressing. Look, I'm not Gisele Bundchen frolicking in my invisible bikini on Brazilian beaches, but I'm quite a healthy, outdoorsy person- not to the max. But we're quite opposite with regards to our approach to healthy living and I am finding it a real silent strain on our marriage. I hazard a guess he is too. :-/

HappenstanceMarmite Fri 12-Jun-15 12:48:06

You're brave!!!

AuntyMag10 Fri 12-Jun-15 12:49:52

Yanbu and not an awful person for feeling this way. He sounds very selfish and all about him. I would be put off from someone like this, not because of the weight but because of his attitude towards it and this can't give a damn example he is setting for your kids.

PtolemysNeedle Fri 12-Jun-15 12:52:10

So the problems are your husbands laziness and his greed, not his weight. I think its understandable to find those traits unnatractive when they have developed in your partner, and I would be annoyed about the eating crisps straight before dinner in front of the children.

I have no idea what you can do about it though, the battle against being over weight and it's associated negative habits can be huge.

Rosieliveson Fri 12-Jun-15 12:52:14

I don't see why this could bring venom. Your husband's unhealthy lifestyle is causing you concern, both for him and for the example he is setting your children. I get it.
It's difficult though. If he isn't unhappy and doesn't want to change you can't make him. You could start a conversation about the examples that you are both setting for your children but I'm not sure how well tht would go down. Is your husband sensitive about his weight or is he content?

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt Fri 12-Jun-15 12:53:21

Yanbu. I can see why it would cause a strain, sounds like a fundamental difference between you.

wombatcheese Fri 12-Jun-15 12:53:40

If you'd worded your opening differently it would possibly have been better. It doesn't sound as if you mind his weight so much, as you feel frustrated with a lazy partner who shows unhealthy eating habits to your children, doesn't appreciate your cooking and doesn't enjoy the same pastimes. why don't you talk to him about it rather than seething silently? of find all that really annoying also.

toffeeboffin Fri 12-Jun-15 12:57:54

A bitch? Sounds like you deserve a medal!

He needs to take responsibilty for himself, he sounds like a kid!

midnightvelvet01 Fri 12-Jun-15 12:59:31

I'm not sure this is just about a weight issue as such. Reading your OP I get different stuff coming through, such as him undermining you (eating crisps while you're saying no to the kids having them), his laziness (driving whilst you walked) & generally modelling an unhealthy approach to life while you are doing your best to counteract it. You seem to be constantly having to battle against his personal lifestyle choices to demonstrate what a normal healthy approach means, it must be exhausting! But the undermining/laziness/unhealthiness could continue even if he were underweight so I'm not sure that weight/size is the complete problem iyswim

Do you think he's happy making these choices? Do you think he has control over them or are there psychological issues that are governing his approach to food?

Cancookdontcook Fri 12-Jun-15 12:59:33

I completely understand and I would feel the same. The laziness and lack of basic fitness would be the problem for me. I don't know what you could do to change him though tbh.

My exh always did the crisps thing but he wasn't overweight so while I couldnt understand it, it didn't bother me too much.

PurpleProseStinkinRose Fri 12-Jun-15 13:01:56

Thank you all for your replies so far. They are very helpful. I suppose the wording is really misleading... and perhaps secretly the weight DOES bother me because it comes with a mentality I don't support. I feel a sudden surge of guilt for being more judgmental than I thought I was. I suppose in the opening I wanted to make clear that I have no issue with anyone who carries extra weight. Not in the least.
I think the selfishness in his character is also tied to his eating. He's not overeating because he's overtly stressed... it's just because he can. He's quite a 'I want the biggest slice of the pie' person in all areas of life and this just really gets to me on every level. I think this issue is deeper than just food.
I can't talk to him. I have tried and he gets mega angry. I can't talk about anything with him. I've learned over the years and too many ear piercing rows that engaging with him is just not worth the fall out. And if he hasn't worked it out for himself by now, what chance is there of me guiding him? He loves me, but my opinion on things isn't respected. This has become abundantly clear to me in the past year.

midnightvelvet01 Fri 12-Jun-15 13:03:40

Are you happy in this relationship? brew

lilivonshtupp Fri 12-Jun-15 13:04:48

Being overweight doesn't necessarily mean being unhealthy. Many people who are carrying a few extra pounds enjoy walking on beaches, playing football with the kids, swimming etc.

Clearly, you fancied your DH when he was overweight as you married him!

So clearly the problem is not necessarily about his weight, it's about his lack of activity/energy and the fact that eating a packet of biscuits is not going to help this. Also, as you say, there is something sad about a parent who can keep up with the kids on simple activities like a beach walk.

I don't think you're a bitch at all!! I would be horribly disappointed if my DH was inactive all the time.

You say this is a 'silent strain'. Perhaps it's time to get some counselling as his weight is now affecting all the family, not just himself?

PurpleProseStinkinRose Fri 12-Jun-15 13:05:58

He was in AA about 25 years ago and remained dedicated to the cause, so to speak. So he doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and often he'll say, "I know I overeat but hey, I don't smoke or drink so it's ok."
He's a recovering alcoholic, sober for longer than he was ever a drinker. I don't know if this additional info is helpful. He is, I suppose, a food addict. But his behaviour can be so appalling at times that I wonder how we can even sustain longevity in our marriage at times.

The5DayChicken Fri 12-Jun-15 13:06:10

I see the problem here as him being bone idle and greedy, nothing to do with weight really. Especially as he's been overweight since before you met him.

Not all fat people are bone idle and some aren't even greedy. I'm greedy blush but I'm not lazy at all.

Tackle the example he's setting for your DC by all means but this doesn't sound like it's really about his weight, so don't make the mistake of making it look like that.

Pumpkinpositive Fri 12-Jun-15 13:08:51

How does he expect to foster good eating habits in the children if he sits there wolfing down bags of crisps 10 minutes before dinner?

Or does he just not care if they develop poor habits too? confused

OrangeVase Fri 12-Jun-15 13:08:52

So difficult for you OP. You shouldn't get flamed for this as it is a case of something wrong in a relationship and you need advice and support on how best to deal with it.

It would be the same if it were drinking, smoking dope, overspending, staying out til all hours or using porn - whatever it is the way he is choosing to live his life is affecting yours - badly.

Essentially the only way is to talk to him and if he won't see your side and at least attempt to make some small changes then you have to decide what you will do from there.

Small changes could include an agreement not to eat junk in front of the kids, or not eating in the half hour before a meal or going on a family walk every Saturday or seeing a doctor/therapist - something to show that he will meet you halfway.

YANBU to feel this or not to want to live this way.

OrangeVase Fri 12-Jun-15 13:11:49

Just read your post about him not respecting your opinion on anything. That is very hard. I feel the same. Bigger issue.

midnightvelvet01 Fri 12-Jun-15 13:12:11

Orange that's a really good post. Him meeting you halfway is a good idea.

So say that he can eat his crisps after the kids are in bed or yes, do a walk every weekend, or go swimming on a Saturday morning, would that work?

ElleGrace Fri 12-Jun-15 13:14:44

As a previous poster has said, you don't seem to have a problem with his weight. It's his lifestyle. I have plenty of friends and family members who are overweight, and it doesn't (and shouldn't) bother me in the slightest. HOWEVER if they started acting like your OH it would annoy me, regardless of whether they were overweight or not!
At the end of the day his lifestyle is having a negative impact on you, and certainly could have a negative impact on your children in the future, so you have every right to raise the issue with him. Even just asking him not to eat right before or after meals, or not to consume junk food in front of the children when they aren't allowed any.

AnyoneForTennis Fri 12-Jun-15 13:15:56


but the only things you can do are either speak to him or just not buy the biscuits/crisps in the first place

rhinobaby Fri 12-Jun-15 13:16:33

I think the addiction mentioned in your latest post is the key point. My brother was an alcoholic and gave up 9 years ago, and also quit smoking. At that point in his life he was normal weight. Since then he has gained more and more weight, always using the ' sweet stuff ' as a reward/ comfort, as he can no longer drink. And makes the same excuse -'at least I don't drink or smoke'. He knows full well drinking coke/ eating cake is causing the weight gain, and also knows all the health risks.
Just like any other addiction, you are powerless to change this behaviour, it has to come from him.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 12-Jun-15 13:18:09

So this man is basically a self-righteous, self-obsessed prick. That's the problem. (And one of many reasons to despise AA - the one thing they are good at is encouraging this type of selfishness).

I honestly think you and DC would be better off without him in the family home - I get the strong impression he's a bully as well as being greedy and lazy. People like this, who consider themselves the centre of the universe never change.

PurpleProseStinkinRose Fri 12-Jun-15 13:21:53

Thank you so much for such helpful replies. Orange thank you.
I suppose I feel kind of drained because I've tried so hard in the past to engage him in taking a walk (he thinks I'm nuts). When we have taken a walk, it's turned into a very stressed, 'switched on' event, where he's totally keyed up and the entire walk is all about getting back home- not enjoying the moment or taking time to talk or enjoy each other's company. If I try and suggest managing food a bit better (for example, waiting for the kids to go to bed), he'll nod and agree but never follow through with it. It's as if home is ONLY about sitting on a sofa and eating. His engagement with the kids involves sitting on the sofa,eating. He never takes them out anywhere. And any 'promise' to do something like swimming is never, ever fulfilled. I've sort of lost faith in him.
We just have so little to say to one another anyway anymore and this too really makes my heart collapse. It seems like we're always engaging because we have the kids around, but when it's one to one, it's a struggle.
I just wasn't the right person for him. I know this in my heart. But here we are now, with the kids and life and all we've invested in.
Oh dear... this really is more than just crisps. :-/

Dowser Fri 12-Jun-15 13:23:40

Very depressing. I can see how it's grinding you down.

Itsverynormal disrespectful to suddenly start to eat rubbish just before you present him with a home mademeal.

Would he do it if you got invited to dinner. I'd hope not
You might coast along for a few months or several years OP but i honestly cannot see this relationship going this distance. You appear to be two completely different people.

You dont say how old you are but I'm presuming you are a bit younger than me and im sure you know he won't get away with eating. Like that for ever.

My relative had issues around food and gorged himself right up to 38 stones which may or may have led to him succumbing to bowel cancer at the young age of 55 . I don't know but it makes you wonder.

Unless he wakes up and smells the coffee he probably will carry on until he comes to the crunch, fatty liver, heart disease, thyroid trouble, or a cancer.

I ope he does the former and you can salvage your relationship.

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