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To completely change how I feel about DH of 12 years in an instant?

(237 Posts)
Acunningruse Fri 12-Jun-15 10:24:54

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 8, have a 2.5 year old DS and are TTC no.2. Until last weekend I would have said we were completely happy, possibly more loved up than your average couple with a toddler, lucky that we have babysitters so can go out.

Last weekend we attending a wedding far away from home. DH had been drinking on the day of the wedding but not a massive amount, maybe 7 pints from 12 til 12. He then slept from 1 til 8.30 (ds was at gparents)I hadn't been drinking so the next morning I drove us to gparents to pick Ds up and have lunch there. When we left I automatically sat in passenger seat out of habit but then made to move but DH said no im fine to drive dont worry.

We drove for about an hour, I was reading a magazine and turning round to talk to Ds in the back when I felt the car swerve towards the crash barrier, we were in outside lane. I shouted abd then DH swung wheel the other way so we were then in inside lane. Thank god nothing was in that lane. I was screaming what are you doing whats happening and DH said he had started to fall asleep at the wheel. he pulled over at nexrt junction and I was crying and I was crying and screaming I just keep thinking we could have been killed, Ds was in the back, if a car had been in the inside lane theres novway he would have survived we were doing 70mph.

DH has been so apologetic since he is genuinely remorseful he cries every time he looks at Ds I know hes thinking what could have happened. But I just can't get over it. I just don't understand how it could have happened, I am so.upset and angry and feel like my feelings towards him have completely changed.

I have no idea what to do or if IABU

Baies Fri 12-Jun-15 10:28:39

Well it happened because he was hungover and tired by the sound of it. Not sure why you don't understand?

I'm not sure what else he can say or do, past apologising profusely ? You've both had a shock, he made an error of judgement and he shouldn't have been driving. He's been an idiot and he's unlikely to do it again. Maybe you should have insisted on driving yourself?

I'd give yourself time to get over the shock and then just put it behind you

SumThucker Fri 12-Jun-15 10:28:52

Well you 'allowed' him to drive so maybe you are projecting some guilt onto him?
Stupid what you both did, but I don't see how your feelings could change for him after 12 years.

SophieHatters Fri 12-Jun-15 10:29:48

Ok, you need to break it down. First off sorry for what you have just experienced, it sounds very frightening.

I expect you are angry about something. Are you angry that he drank so much (yes that is a lot IMO) or that he decided to drive anyway, when he probably was still rather over the limit?

Are there any precedents to these behaviours? Are your feelings or opinions on them ever negated normally?

Baies Fri 12-Jun-15 10:29:56

Oh and please stop going in at him about it if he's genuinely remorseful and crying. What are you hoping to achieve by that?

Acunningruse Fri 12-Jun-15 10:31:23

I suppose I don't understand how he could go from being very awake at lunch with his parents, laughing and joking with DS etc to then actually falling asleep at the wheel? Surely the moment he felt tired he should have said I need to pull over.

You are right I definitely feel guilty for not insisting on driving but he seemed fine and said he was fine, I trusted him. Obviously wrongly.

PotteringAlong Fri 12-Jun-15 10:31:42

You both made an error of judgement. Changes 12 years of love? Really?

Acunningruse Fri 12-Jun-15 10:32:18

Where have I said that I'm going on at him? At the time I was crying and shouting due to the massive shock. I haven't since.

AuntyMag10 Fri 12-Jun-15 10:33:16

Ok I think you had a huge shock and so did your dh and ds. Your dh seems very remorseful and it was an error in judgement but then you also shouldn't have let him drive. I think accost his apology and he will always feel bad about it so no point in dragging it out further.

Acunningruse Fri 12-Jun-15 10:33:35

Yes I think I am angry that he made such a grave error of judgement. I trusted him not to endanger DS and I and he did.

Baies Fri 12-Jun-15 10:34:09

You say you're upset and angry and it's changed 12 years of love for you. So maybe what I meant was ' what an over reaction .'

If he's normally like this or didnt care then you'd have a point. You are acting like he deliberately did this. Just give him a break now. Or leave him if it really has changed everything for you

Soduthen116 Fri 12-Jun-15 10:34:23

Would you expect your dh to fall out of love with you over a genuine all be it frightening mistake?

My dd was badly injured when a professional driver fell asleep at the wheel. I don't hate him. But for the grace of god go any of us.

Marriage is not about being loved up and birds singing it's also about the harsh rough times.

Your dh must feel bloody dreadful so why are you not supporting him and helping him get through this.

Yanbu. It was a mistake.

YouMeddlingKids Fri 12-Jun-15 10:34:47

Well, he didn't do anything wrong in the sense that he wasn't drunk driving, he didn't do anything deliberately dangerous or stupid (such as driving aggressively, etc), he was simply tireder than he realised. He could have pulled over and asked you to take over but I'm assuming he didn't for a second think he was going to fall asleep at the wheel. You were sat next to him - were you purely reading your magazine or were you interacting/ talking to your DH? I'm trying to imagine a situation where DH was so drowsy he was able to lose conciousness at the wheel and I was totally unaware of it...
It sounds like a horribly scary experience but you need to focus on the fact that nothing actually happened, you're all safe, and both of you can learn from it for the future.

AuntyMag10 Fri 12-Jun-15 10:34:48

Accept not accost.

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 12-Jun-15 10:34:53

My XH of 11 years had an affair. When I found out it instantly changed my opinion of him.

Your DH underestimated how tired he was, so did you. Equal blame. You've every right to be angry, scared, shaken up.

To permanently change your opinion I think is a bit irrational considering you were the other adult present, were fully aware how much alcohol/ rest your DH had and you can drive.

Do you really want to create a major issue in an otherwise good relationship?

Branleuse Fri 12-Jun-15 10:36:24

Youre angry. Rightly so. He made a massive mistake that could have been tragic. He knows this too.

Give yourself time. Its not going to make you feel loved up and safe at the moment, but I dont think its going to be a case of falling out of love after 12 years.

FragileBrittleStar Fri 12-Jun-15 10:36:36

Agree with Bales - he made a mistake driving - it could have been a costly mistake but it wasn't- he's not denying it ; he feels really guilty.

Is your problem that he didn't say he was tired? (maybe he didn't realise how tired he was? ) or do you think he's over confident?

it does sound a massive inappropriate reaction on your part to be honest- to what was an accident

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Fri 12-Jun-15 10:37:03

So did you. You should have driven, and you know it.

IF your love for him is so fragile that an error of judgement that resulted in no actual harm switches it off, then you're right, you don't have the strong relationship you thought. But not because of this incident.

Duckdeamon Fri 12-Jun-15 10:37:19

That must have been really scary, but I think Yabu, it was a dreadful mistake and a lucky escape you can learn from, unless perhaps he drank more (wine/spirits on top of all that beer?( or slept less than he let on.

It's easy to be wakeful when in company. There are so many accidents caused by people falling asleep at the wheel.

Tangerineandturquoise Fri 12-Jun-15 10:37:36

I think it is probably the shock- I had an accident recently and it took a week or two to properly process the shock of it, even now I am twitchy that something is going to happen.

Have your feelings for him changed? Can you imagine telling people you haven't seen for a while that you divorced your DH because you had a near miss in the car? Because if you can't see yourself getting divorced over it, you need to tackle the issues it raised head on, his drinking, the assumption that he will always drive (that'd annoy me off) that you let him drive you when you weren't sure if he should- and then moving forwards. Use your nights out to tackle issues you have with each other, maybe go see your GP about the big feelings this has raised.

EmmaLL25 Fri 12-Jun-15 10:38:19

You both made an error in judgement I don't think it's fair to completely blame him.

People don't always realise they are tired otherwise folk would always pull over and there would never be accidents from sleepy drivers.

Maybe you need to express how you are feeling to him and have an open discussion, rather than having these feelings simmering away.

Hullygully Fri 12-Jun-15 10:38:23

You'll get over it. Give it time. It's just such a massive shock when we feel our child threatened. I bashed dh once when he "let" dd fall over. That was 16 years ago now. It passes.

shovetheholly Fri 12-Jun-15 10:38:54

I understand how terrifying this must have been for you. And you are bound to think 'what if' for a while after a shock like that. And when the 'what if' involves some very unhappy and uncomfortable thoughts, it is no wonder you feel angry too.

However, I do think you have to chalk this up to experience. Your DH made a mistake in trying to drive. You made a mistake in allowing him to do so, and that makes you feel guilty, and then guilt makes you feel angry. The main thing, though is nothing bad actually happened. You didn't crash. So the main thing is to learn from it and to ensure that you're all never, ever in a position again where you go through something similar.

There are things you can do to make yourself feel safer. Put some Proplus in the car, and some caffeinated drinks (those cold coffee drinks or energy drinks) and leave them there. Be very aware of how tired you both are, and to swap over every hour or so to stay fresh, even if this means breaking the journey up into many small pieces. Talk to each other when you're driving instead of reading or zoning out. Doing some of these things will hopefully help you to put what sounds like a very frightening experience behind you.

FragileBrittleStar Fri 12-Jun-15 10:39:10

Also if he was tired or hungover his judgement is more likely to be impaired as to whether he's fit to drive than yours - why are you questioning his judgement and not yours?

Lavenderice Fri 12-Jun-15 10:39:36

You know that you both made a mistake here, I think you need to apportion some of the blame to yourself and as a couple learn from it and move on. Please stop punishing him.

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