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To not want DP to look after his dying dad

(69 Posts)
weebump Thu 11-Jun-15 23:12:44

So here's the scenario: DH's dad has just been given a couple of months to live. He lives in the UK, we're in another country. They've never been very close, but his dad doesn't have any other family, no other children, and lives alone. So, of course DP has travelled over to see his dad, and is feeling duty bound to stay and look after him. He's talking about staying for another month at least.
Now practically speaking it seems like a good idea. It's good of him to offer to stay, as DP's dad previously said he didn't want to end up in a home. But AIBU to think that this isn't fair on my DP? He's not been much of a dad to him in the past, and my partner really isn't cut out for 24 hour care of a dying man. Is it ok to say "No, don't be mad, let professionals look after him and come back home!" which is what I really want to say?

Wantsunshine Thu 11-Jun-15 23:14:23

He may regret it if he doesn't and resent you for pushing him to go back to where you live.

arethereanyleftatall Thu 11-Jun-15 23:14:45

Yabu. Just be nice.

VanitasVanitatum Thu 11-Jun-15 23:15:18


coolaschmoola Thu 11-Jun-15 23:15:40


Pumpkinpositive Thu 11-Jun-15 23:15:50

Is it ok to say "No, don't be mad, let professionals look after him and come back home!" which is what I really want to say?

No, that wouldn't be ok.

Do you have child care responsibilities that will be made difficult by his decision to stay there? Does your DP have a job where you are?

What happens if his father doesn't die within the couple of months but lingers for some times? Has your DP devised an exit strategy in the event of this happening?

LaLyra Thu 11-Jun-15 23:16:11

I think it's ok to say that if your partner is telling you he doesn't want to stay, but if he wants to stay (and it's not going to cost you your home/him his job etc) then I'd leave the decision up to him entirely. Even if they've never been close he mght still want to look after him.

Pippioddstocking Thu 11-Jun-15 23:16:16


poppycat04 Thu 11-Jun-15 23:16:21


Iggi999 Thu 11-Jun-15 23:16:57

How does this affect work? I think it sounds like the right thing to do, but not if he loses his job over it.

ginmakesitallok Thu 11-Jun-15 23:17:17

Sorry, but yabu. Of course your dp should not feel obligated to provide care if he doesn't want to, but if he wants to then you should support him. Must be hard though.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 11-Jun-15 23:17:25

Show some compassion op.

PurpleSwift Thu 11-Jun-15 23:17:47


slicedfinger Thu 11-Jun-15 23:18:43

I decided to stay with DM to look after her when we were told it would be a matter of weeks. It took 2 years. These things are not cut and dried. Honestly though, if he feels he wants to be there, he ought to be.

Fatmomma99 Thu 11-Jun-15 23:18:56

it has to be your DH's choice, which you should accommodate,and suck it up if you don't like it.

There is a 'pecking order' with death: The dying person gets to prioritize their needs/wants. Next comes their partner, next comes their children and then comes the partners of these. Then comes everything else.

Having had a father get ill and die, this is how it is/should be. The die-ing person takes priority. How your DH chooses to respond to that is down to him, and you have to let him do what he feels is right.

Sorry for you all. x

MrsHenryMountbattenWindsor Thu 11-Jun-15 23:19:03

He might not be up to it. Your FIL might not deserve it. But either way, this has to be your DP's choice. All you can, and should, do is to offer the support your DP needs. By all means ask him if this is what he really wants. Help him to work out for himself what is the best course of action. But other than that, this is one occasion where 'telling' your DP what to do would be a very bad idea.

Getthewonderwebout Thu 11-Jun-15 23:19:17

If it's what he wants to do it, he should. It'll be the last thing he can ever do for his father. Sometimes the past is best left in the past.

msgrinch Thu 11-Jun-15 23:19:20

yabu. seriously unreasonable.

coolaschmoola Thu 11-Jun-15 23:19:26

If you had just said 'get professionals in' to do the care and dp stay over there then yanbu, but to say get professionals in and dp come home is incredibly selfish and unreasonable.

You think your dp should leave his father to die without friends or family around him? Wow that's cold.

What sort of example would that be setting your dc? Do you want them to think this is how You or dp should be treated when you or your dp are old, alone and dying?

VivaLeBeaver Thu 11-Jun-15 23:19:42


I looked after my dad at home when he was dying and it was something which gave me a lot of comfort. the fact that I knew I did everything I could. The fact that he was cared for.

I don't think anyone is cut out for 24hr care of a dying relative but people do it and are glad to. You do what needs doing.

But do tell him to contact SS or ask the hospital as they may provide overnight care/help. We had overnight carers for my dad which was a major help.

CookPassBabtrigde Thu 11-Jun-15 23:20:17

Once his dad is gone, he's gone. And it will be too late.
I imagine he would regret leaving his dad in years to come a lot more than he would regret staying.

Janethegirl Thu 11-Jun-15 23:20:44

Sorry, but you are being exceedingly unreasonable, please have some compassion.

ReginaBlitz Thu 11-Jun-15 23:20:55

Wow just wow

AnyoneForTennis Thu 11-Jun-15 23:22:27

It's not up to you,you get no say

MiscellaneousAssortment Thu 11-Jun-15 23:25:07

I wish people wouldn't belittle death and be so cold as to make it into just an inconvenience and interruption to meeting their own wants.

The dying are a big inconvenience, and that's how it should be. The fact that you don't value a mans life high enough for him to be 'allowed' to die with family there... That's a deeply judgemental and cruel thing to do.

I hope you realise that and feel comfortable with what that says about you, your husband and his father.

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