... to think this is really tacky? Grief, funerals and Facebook.

(197 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Minniemouserocks Thu 11-Jun-15 18:23:19

Sadly a couple of my friends have recently suffered bereavements, which I'm obviously sympathetic about. However, I can't help but be astonished by the amount of their grief that appears to have been shared on Facebook (I know - Facebook is the work of the devil and all that...). But seriously? Is it necessary to post pictures of your family outside the crematorium? To write post after cryptic post, inviting all manner of comments? Whatever happened to dignity in death? Maybe it's been playing on my mind more than it should have as I also have a relative who is terminally ill, very close to the end, and we have been planning her funeral recently. But I cannot ever imagine sharing anything about her dying, her funeral arrangements, or anything else on FB. So - AIBU?

PeppermintCrayon Thu 11-Jun-15 18:25:22

I want to say it's wrong to criticise how other people grieve but I find this sort of thing really crass so no, YANBU.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo Thu 11-Jun-15 18:25:41

Photos at the crematorium ? ??

I posted that my dad died, and then the eulogy that I wrote and that was about it
Bit like announcing in the local paper

The5DayChicken Thu 11-Jun-15 18:27:27

I featured in some pictures a family member posted on FB of our loved one's funeral. I was talking to the driver of the hearse and obviously holding back tears in the photos. Was mortified and disgusted that they took photos and Facebooked them.

Minniemouserocks Thu 11-Jun-15 18:30:16

See Dragon - that at least makes sense to me. I'm sorry for your loss. I guess it also depends on who you have as friends on FB - if it's a few close people then that's much more undertandable.

Pics - sadly, yes, in particular, pics of one person's DDs, aged 4 and 2, in matching black dresses outside the crematorium. My jaw literally dropped when it came up in my newsfeed.

TheoriginalLEM Thu 11-Jun-15 18:30:32

if it helps them to reach out for support in that way then yabu.

Minniemouserocks Thu 11-Jun-15 18:31:57

The5 - I would have been upset too. That's terrible! It's one thing tagging people in wedding pics or whatever, but it just seems so crass to almost boast about grief like that.

undoubtedly Thu 11-Jun-15 18:32:25

No that's tacky in the extreme.

Any sort of chronic over sharing on fb is tacky. I think the same about scan pics and publicly played out arguments.

It's airing your dirty laundry.

Allbymyselfagain Thu 11-Jun-15 18:33:19

I posted a photo of me and my best friend a few months after his funeral. I was and still am devastated and I was just looking through them and made my profile pic. Is that tacky? Everytime I see one of these AIBUs I worry it is.

Some people now just seem to live their lives on facebook. I don't understand it but they do.

Redglitter Thu 11-Jun-15 18:34:09

An acquaintance of mine on FB actually had a 'Dad's funeral' folder of photos.
pictures of the hearse, the coffin being taken out, the flowers and photos of mourners confused

My brothers friends mum died and at her funeral a relative said to him and his brother to stand beside their dad so she could get a 'nice family photo' They stood dazed and she had the cheek to say shed send them a copy. Yeah cos that's the very kind of photo you'd treasure hmm

Allbymyselfagain Thu 11-Jun-15 18:34:12

flowers for you btw OP

hedgehogsdontbite Thu 11-Jun-15 18:35:36

I think it's really tacky to sit in judgment of grieving people dealing with their grief in the way that's best for them. Really fucking nasty too.

Minniemouserocks Thu 11-Jun-15 18:36:49

All - that's slightly different though, isn't it? That's a pic of a good memory. I wouldn't think that was odd. What I do find strange is pics of people going into the church, crematorium or wherever, and then multiple cryptic posts such as 'feeling down today', eliciting various 'what's wrong hun?' kind of responses, which eventually lead to 'I'm feeling sad since X passed' etc replies. Is FB really the place? It just leaves me thinking - is nothing sacred?

The5DayChicken Thu 11-Jun-15 18:40:13

Displaying a whole family's grief on Facebook and tagging them all in is thoughtless to the extreme, especially when the person whose funeral it is would have been mortified too, so I don't agree that judging that as crass is nasty.

Agree about written posts though.

whatever22 Thu 11-Jun-15 18:42:17

Yanbu. My brother announced my grandmother's death on fb with a nice photo if the pair of them together. Not something I would have done, but OK, sharing a nice memory.

He then went on to post a video of his band doing a song as a 'tribute' for her and asked people to share. The song was clearly filmed before she died and had nothing to do with her (it was all about drink\drugs\abusive relationships), basically using her death for sympathy\self promotion. Horrible.

Minniemouserocks Thu 11-Jun-15 18:43:23

Thanks All - and sympathies to anyone else who is also grieving.

Hedgehog - that's an interesting take on it. What about others who don't want to be reminded of their own grief though? Eg with my own relative's death very much on the horizon and in my thoughts, I don't really appreciate seeing funeral pics I haven't asked to see. And quite honestly, I was surprised that the friends who had posted them had, to be honest.

Minniemouserocks Thu 11-Jun-15 18:44:31

Too many honests there...

sanfairyanne Thu 11-Jun-15 18:48:13

people should be allowed to grieve how they want. i dont have a problem with taking photos or putting them on fb either.

BitterChocolate Thu 11-Jun-15 18:50:31

I'm generally sympathetic to people grieving, but I would dislike something like this if it was a friend or relative of mine.

On the other hand, I don't mind people posting up positive memories of someone who has died. I find it a bit like a wake, where people come together to remember the person and tell stories about them.

MsIngaFewmarbles Thu 11-Jun-15 18:50:49

YANBU. My mother passed last year. My sister posted endlessly on FB about it. She posted a picture of her marker at the crematorium before I was aware they had placed it. This year on the anniversary there were 15 posts related to her death from my sister that day. This included a photo I emailed her privately of flowers I had laid on both our behalf at her resting place. It's tacky and attention seeking and I feel almost exploiting our mothers memory so she gets lots of 'Aaaaw Hun' from her friends. Makes me furious.

hedgehogsdontbite Thu 11-Jun-15 18:57:11

My dad died recently. I'm not a big user of facebook but my mum is. It's like her diary. If anyone is critical about what she posts about the loss of her husband of over 50 they can fuck right off as they clearly aren't friends of her or my dad.

I actually think this thread is really shitty. It's going to upset people who are recently bereaved. Not nice at all.

hedgehogsdontbite Thu 11-Jun-15 19:00:21

My profile picture is me and my dad on my wedding day. The big picture across the top is of the 'dad' flowers I bought for his funeral. If you don't like it then jog on. I don't need shitty unsupportive friends like that.

Salmotrutta Thu 11-Jun-15 19:00:42

I've been to a funeral or two in my time.

I've never seen anyone even taking photographs at them, far less heard of them splashing funeral photos around on FaceBook.

I'm glad I don't do FaceBook - don't think I could handle it tbh.

Fairygardens Thu 11-Jun-15 19:01:33

I'm with you hedgehog. I'll grieve in my own way, thanks.

Minniemouserocks Thu 11-Jun-15 19:01:41

MsInga - that's exactly what I mean. Thankfully we have already agreed amongst us (me and DBs) that we won't be going anywhere near. Again, maybe if it were a younger person, it would be slightly different, particularly if they were a big FB user. I'm absolutely with you on the notion that sadly, some people do almost exploit the deceased's memory to draw attention to themselves.

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