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Aibu and a terrible mother already to be terrified I won't love my baby?

(17 Posts)
Normalornott Thu 11-Jun-15 16:18:58

Please don't judge me from that title, I feel completely awful that I'm worried about this.

I am 38 weeks pregnant with a much wanted first baby. I was desperate to get pregnant, and absolutely delighted to become pregnant the first month trying.

The closer I get to my due date, the more terrified I become of absolutely everything. I am terrified of birth, but mostly, scared I'm going to feel nothing towards my baby, I know that sounds utterly awful.

I know I must love baby, because I worry that he is safe, I worry about still birth and pre eclampsia etc etc I just worry.

I want to protect him from everything, but at the same time I'm terrified I'll feel resentful of the responsibility.

How do I get over this? I am completely disgusted in myself saying these things, I couldn't even tell my husband my worries.

PomeralLights Thu 11-Jun-15 16:24:10

Oh you poor thing, it's ok, this is totally normal. Try to have faith it will all work out in the end.

Don't expect to feel a rush of love at first - newborns are hard work and your hormones are still crazy. It can take months before you look down at your baby and think 'yup. Such love' (took me about 5m).

Do try and talk to your partner, he might be worried too. It's a massive addition to your family of a stranger - of course you are worried.

If you are finding yourself so anxious you can't sleep, etc go to your doctor, it may be AND and you might be at risk of PND. If people are aware early on there is loads of help out there.

And remember - NO ONE is going to take your baby just because you feel ambivalent towards it. As long as it is clean, fed, and getting cuddles no one expects you to be super mum so please do be honest with midwives, HVs, docs etc, they should help you, not judge you.

Grumpyoldblonde Thu 11-Jun-15 16:29:37

Normal, normal and normal again. You could be describing me and how I felt, took me a while after the birth to feel that deep love, it grew for me, over a long period, again normal. Your feelings are all over the place and will continue to be (probably) after the birth, wild elation, ambivalence, resentment, awe, exhaustion, teariness, protectiveness, bewilderment and love. All normal

Normalornott Thu 11-Jun-15 16:30:40

I was so scared to open your reply Pomeral, I really thought you'd be telling me I'm awful, I feel like I deserve to be told I'm horrid.

I'm sure I am depressed and anxious, just too utterly scared of the consequences of speaking up.

As strange as it sounds, I'm worried about loving baby, but also desperate to be able to breast feed and from what I've read the medication for depression would stop that?

I can see the bigger picture, I know I need to be well for baby to be well, but I'm stuck in my own mind over this.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 11-Jun-15 16:34:29

I felt somewhat like that the day I went in to be induced with DS1. I phoned people in a panic, thinking I'd made the biggest mistake ever and I wasn't cut out to be a mother and what had I been thinking?!

And then he was born and although I didn't get the mad rush of love, he was just such a part of me that there was no problem. I never got the mad rush, not even later - but I know I love him (and Ds2)

The one thing I would say to you now though is this: Stop pressurising yourself. Try to relax and take things as they come for now - you're asking for a crystal ball here and we can't give you that. The baby is coming, you'll know soon enough, but in the meantime just stop worrying about the future and sit in the present. thanks

ApeMan Thu 11-Jun-15 16:37:39

Of course not!! This is a perfectly normal thing for at least some of us - I had this myself, although I was not the one who had to be pregnant.

Try not to worry too much.

PomeralLights Thu 11-Jun-15 16:39:48

I was on medication for depression during pregnancy but thankfully my AND didn't turn into PND. But I am SURE there is depression medication suitable for breastfeeding mums I have seen it talked about online before.

Honestly the only bad consequences of speaking up is the chance you'll speak to some idiot doctor or HV that doesn't take you seriously. There are a few out there sad. However if you persevere and ask for help you will find a medical professional who is able to help you.

In my area the HVs run special baby massage classes for mums with PND. Baby massage helps you bond, being all vulnerable mums together gives you moral support. I can't emphasise enough how much better things will get if you do ask for real life support, I know it's scary but please try to be brave.

I'm not worried about your baby at all I'm sure you'll be a great mum! I'm just worried you will spend the next few months feeling bad when you really don't need to and that's no fun. Honestly, do talk to people, it is possible to lift this cloud and enjoy your pregnancy / baby

Aermingers Thu 11-Jun-15 16:39:58

The fact that you're worried it could happen and the affect it would have on the baby actually shows that you do already love this baby very much.

Marmiteandjamislush Thu 11-Jun-15 16:46:14

YANBU I'm PG with # 3 and I have it with all of 'em. If you have DC 2 you will worry about being a family of 4. I reckon it's some evolutionary bollocks, but it is horrible, but don't worry you'll be great. If you weren't, you wouldn't worry about feeling like that. smile

sparkysparkysparky Thu 11-Jun-15 16:46:50

It's normal. I didn’t have that tv /movie glow of joy and love when my fab 8 year old was born. I fell in love with her as I got to know her.
Speak to a health professional and don't let some time serving [Insert swear word] fob you off. Some of them can be insensitive [Insert plural of swear word].
And you should speak to your partner because chances are he's pretty nervous about the whole thing too.

CornChips Thu 11-Jun-15 16:53:52

It's normal. smile I fell pg before I expected to... so thought I would have had time after coming off the pill to get used to the idea. My DH wanted a baby, I was ambivalent at best. I thought I would not love him at all.

I loved DS right from the very first moment, in a kind of 'who the fuck are you, oh shit I am responsible, aren't you cute!' sort of way, then fell madly in love a few months in.

Crazy love my DS now. smile

Paddingtonsmarmaladesandwiches Thu 11-Jun-15 17:04:27

I think it's totally normal. I'm quite a private person and quite introverted. A few weeks before I was due I had a total panic that I wouldn't like having another person in the house! DH listened very patiently whilst I sobbed and worried. My little invader is now 3 and frankly I wouldn't know what to do without him in the house now. Good luck x

ollieplimsoles Thu 11-Jun-15 17:10:20

Didn't want to read and run op, you have already been given some great advice on here.

But this is totally normal, you are not bad at all. Please talk to your support network and your midwife about your feelings, they will be able to help you and make sure any pnd you may have can be monitored, so you can be the best mummy to your son, that's the most important thing.

You will be fine, make sure you always talk to people around you flowers

Would love you to come back and update your thread once little one arrives x

Twodogsandahooch Thu 11-Jun-15 17:32:18

I think these sort of feelings are normal to a point. However if you are feeling completely overwhelmed by them,it could be a sign of antenatal anxiety/depression and so do have a low threshold to seek help if you begin to feel worse.

I say this because I had AND with DD1 and was anxious about everything in the weeks preceding the birth. I was scared about every aspect of childbirth and becoming a parent.

With DD2 I didn't have AND and my mindset was so different. I had the odd worry about how I would manage with 2 and cope with the sleepless nights again but it was nothing like the all consuming anxiety I had with DD1.

Wishing you all the best for the next few weeks. You are not a bad mother.

Twodogsandahooch Thu 11-Jun-15 17:36:09

Just seen your update and wanted to add that there are lots of antidepressants you can take whilst breast feeding. You could also see your GP about counselling/ psychological therapies. I know new mothers are prioritised in my area.

Strictlyison Thu 11-Jun-15 17:38:06

don't underestimate the power of pregnancy hormones and of lack of sleep! I remember very well after the birth of DS1 crying my eyes out and the midwives being very worried about me, and I kept on saying I'm fine, I'm really happy but I can't stop crying!!

Try to do things that you like. Have a small glass of wine, watch your favourite movie, go to the cinema, eat out if you feel like it. Go for a nice evening walk. I can't talk for everyone, but many women experience the same kind of feelings, it's normal but still very scary.

geekymommy Thu 11-Jun-15 17:41:52

I nursed DD while on Prozac. Unless it causes stubbornness or selective hearing in toddlers, there don't seem to be any lasting effects.

DD was in the NICU for a week. I fell in love with her when she sucked on my finger for the first time.

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