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To object to strippers on stag do

(86 Posts)
Ahardmanisgoodtofind Wed 10-Jun-15 20:58:00

Starting to plan our wedding and the topic of hen and stag dos has cropped up already.
This is my second and his first marriage.
I've always disagreed with strip clubs/strippers on stag (or hen) dos. To me it feels disrespectful and ALMOST like cheating some how. I've made it clear to my friends i won't want a stripper and if one turns up I'd walk out, and I expect the same for fiance. Aibu? He's not all that fussed but I know his brothers/mates will see things differently.

someonestolemynick Wed 10-Jun-15 21:05:10

YANBU to dislike strippers.
YABU to dictate what your fiance gets up on his stag do.

If HE objects to visiting a strip club, he should let his people know.
If he does want to visit a strip club, you should ask yourself if your relationship is strong enough for such a difference of opinion as well as talking to him to find a solution you can both live with.

YWBVU to control a grown adult's actions.

Purplepixiedust Wed 10-Jun-15 21:06:57

You are not being unreasonable. I hate all that to and would have run a mile if a stripper turned up on my hen night. I would not have been happy about H getting one either but luckily he and his mates aren't into all that. I know in some circles it is seen as the done thing.

Fairenuff Wed 10-Jun-15 21:21:46

This is the sort of thing you need to know about your partner before you marry them. There is no way I would have married a man who used sex workers and/or objectified women. I chose a man who thinks the same as me.

OP presumably he is independently mobile? He does not have to enter a strip club. He can say no. What are you marrying, a man or a mouse? Would he rather upset you than say no to his friends?

These are the sorts of things you need to be absolutely sure of. If they are deal breakers for you he needs to know that. If he decides to do it anyway, it's up to you whether you want to commit to him for the rest of your life.

ApeMan Wed 10-Jun-15 21:31:01

Different men have different attitudes to strip clubs, personally not a fan but a lot of men are, and since you don't entirely control what happens at your stag do, others may introduce strippers to the mix.

YANBU to veto them as far as I'm concerned, but I don't know how much traction you'll get with that.

FreudiansSlipper Wed 10-Jun-15 21:40:35

yanbu

you do not wish to have strippers

you do not wish to be married to a man that visits strip clubs even if it is just on his stage night

but this is something you have to discuss

you have a choice and so does he neither of you have to agree if you do not then you have to think about your future hopefully you shall be in agreement

Ahardmanisgoodtofind Wed 10-Jun-15 21:55:42

Thanks for replies, in rl most people I've spoken to about it are hmm that im SO against it. Dp isn't interested in strippers, and wouldn't go into a strip club, (and not just because I'd probably kick off). It's more his brothers/mates, my dp is quite laid back and quiet-total opposite to just about everyone in his social group, even if HE said No they'd probably ignore him thinking he was just being "shy", where as they'll take me battleaxe seriously.
I make him sound a bit of a wimp,but he will side with me if it's important to me,he stopped speaking to one brother after he and I had an almighty row, but I don't want him alienating family/friends before our big day, even if it means I come across right cow.
im babbling,sorry

Fairenuff Wed 10-Jun-15 22:03:46

even if HE said No they'd probably ignore him thinking he was just being "shy"

So? He just gets up and walks out. What's the problem really.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind Wed 10-Jun-15 22:20:16

Good point. I think it's more because when the conversation has come up with friends/family recently they've all reacted as if I'm completely insane when I say I'd be fuming if either side got one of us a stripper.dp has actually just suggested we do a combined celebration, do a big group activity,meal,drinks and use it as a good excuse to have a night away without the kids.grin

Fairenuff Wed 10-Jun-15 22:22:29

If you both want to do a combined night out, do it. It's about what you want, what he wants and both being happy with it.

Noonegivesashit Wed 10-Jun-15 22:25:27

If I found out my DP had been to a strip club at would call relationship/wedding off.

I do not agree with the objectification of women AT ALL. It's disrespectful and immoral!

someonestolemynick Thu 11-Jun-15 01:43:18

Look, if your DP really doesn't like strippers this is an easy one.

I would be srverly unimpressed if my DP tried to dictate to me and others what I could do generally and especially on my hen night. You seem to have made that decision for him and are communicating it to others on his behalf. If I was engaged to you, I would run for the hills.

I'm not saying you are wrong about disliking strip clubs. This is a very personal thing. They are absolutely not everyone's cup of tea. If visits to strip clubs are a deal breaker for you, that's fair enough. It is, however, unwise to get to an engagement with abguy without ever having discussed your views. Especially of your feelings are as strong as yours are.

Again, if your DP feels as strongly about strippers as you do, surely he'd just refuse to go.
If he does want to go, you two need a frank discussion and willingness to compromise on both sides.

It might be useful to ask yourself why you object to strippers.
You mentioned you felt watching striplers felt like cheating you. Why? I can assure you strippers will have no interest in your stb husband no matter how SMOKIN' he is. And he will be coming back to you after all smile.
Objectification? Well, it's something that happens naturally to both men and women all the time. If your fiance is a typical straight male he will fancy/ find attractive/ imagine sex with many women over the course of his life.

I know my post comes across pretty harsh, but I do think that sometimes bluntness is called for.

HelenaDove Thu 11-Jun-15 02:11:18

stolemynick Would it be cheating if one of your friends was naked and
dancing in front of your partner?

Why is it different just because money changes hands?

someonestolemynick Thu 11-Jun-15 02:18:48

No it wouldn't be cheating. It would be a very drunk friend and (depending on the friend) a delighted DP. [Grin]

someonestolemynick Thu 11-Jun-15 02:40:46

On a more serious note: when I got together with DP we had conversations about this kind of thing. I thought that was pretty standard. Especially about any sort if deal breakers.
So, I found out fairly early on that he occasionally went to strip clubs, I told him about my skeletons so any potential deal breakers were mentioned well in advance with the chance to withdraw before getting to emotionally involved.
It's just common sense.
It creates trusts and stops you from having to go around banning your DP from stuff because he might enjoy it.

FeckTheMagicDragon Thu 11-Jun-15 02:45:17

Man meets woman. They fall in love. They decide to spend the rest of their life together.
To celebrate this impending true love and commitment man goes out with other men and pays anothet woman to take off her clothes for money.
And they all lived happily ever after.

TheCatsMother99 Thu 11-Jun-15 03:38:05

Whilst I don't have an issue with strippers, I can kind of agree with you in that if you don't like them that much then your partner going to a strip club would be hurtful, so in that respect you're not being unreasonable.

I've had both a male friend and a female friend who've been strippers back in the day which might be why it doesn't bother me... It's just a job, there's rarely anything more in it. And IMO, it's the way the women behave towards male strippers on hen dos that I think is far worse than how men behave when on stag dos from what these friends have told me.

Florrieboo Thu 11-Jun-15 04:28:13

There is no law saying you have to have Hen and Stag nights, in fact they seem to be becoming a bit outdated now anyway. Have a night away in a hotel with a group of close friends male and female and don't worry about any of the traditional crap.

CheerfulYank Thu 11-Jun-15 04:33:42

YANBU. I hate strippers, porn etc. They are deal breakers for me.

Well, I don't hate strippers, themselves. grin That came out wrong.

Fairenuff Thu 11-Jun-15 08:31:36

I don't think that's harsh stolemynick, I think that's what everyone is saying, you need to know each other's dealbreakers before you get married.

You can't tell him not to go to a stripclub OP but you can tell him that you don't want to marry a man who would go to a stripclub. That's the difference.

123Jump Thu 11-Jun-15 08:47:07

Where are all these guys that do strip clubs? i must have a very reclusive DH, as he and his friends would be mortified if a strip club was mentioned.
He did clay pigeon shooting,dinner and home for his stag, organised by his friends. grin
OP, surely he would just leave if they organised this?

ApeMan Thu 11-Jun-15 09:02:41

I would fully expect my other half to veto strippers under any circumstances, but where I was making the choice she wouldn't have to because it's not my thing.

I have been surprised to discover friends enjoy them, and have had clients who have insisted on meeting at them, but if anything it's more unpleasant for me than the thought would be for my OH (yeah I know I "would say that", but I'm not joking in the least).

I don't think it's weird at all for you to say you don't feel comfortable about strippers on stag nights and it would put a sordid complexion on your wedding that is not alright. I think that's probably what a lot of couples would prefer when you get down to it.

Lavenderice Thu 11-Jun-15 14:21:38

I would be absolutely mortified if my DP didn't do something because I would 'kick-off' (but then I've been in an abusive/controlling relationship so I'm probably a bit skewed)

As others have said YANBU to dislike strippers, but are BU to try and control the actions of another person. To be honest it doesn't sound like this is going to be an issue. Congrats on your impending nuptials flowers

alrayyan Thu 11-Jun-15 14:54:58

people talk as if stag and hen nights are an unavoidable fact of life we all have to live with.
It isn't true.
It's clever marketing by events organisers and breweries (and probably pimps if they have PR) and is seedy and a bit, you know wink

StarsInTheNightSky Thu 11-Jun-15 15:07:32

I agree with Fairenuff and others, I could never be with a man who thought it was OK to visit strip clubs, I also couldn't be with a man who got 'surprised' with a visit to a strip club on his stag do and wasn't man enough to walk away. I have a lot of ishoos with the objectification of women, and I've been abused in the past so it would always have been a deal breaker for me. Like others said, its not right to tell him not to, nobody should be dictating to anyone in a relationship, but then I wouldn't want to be with a man who was in two minds about something like that.

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