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To stop speaking to DH's family.....

(34 Posts)
Spamminit Wed 10-Jun-15 09:33:32

I have posted before about MiL and her approach with my 2 DS. In brief DS1 went for a visit and was told off for wetting the bed, causing months of bed wetting as a result.

Anyway, fast forward to now and we had DS2's christening recently and all of DH's family completely ignored both the children. Sat separately from us and brought strangers along to the christening. They have form for this and even at my wedding I had lots of random people that I had no idea who they were. I am obviously really hurt by the way they have treated the boys and still have hang ups over their attitude from before anyway.

BiL has recently started a relationship with an old friend of mine, we were good friends for a few years and after the loss of 2 babies since September last year she accused us of making it up. At this point I stopped talking to her and vowed not to speak to her again. This causes massive problems in the family as we refuse to attend family functions if she is attending.

We have had all family members tell us that we are isolating our children from them and how we really should get over it and be civil for the sake of the wider family. I do see their point and see why this is difficult for them but I really do not want to see this woman and don't want to be pleasant to her for anyone's sake. She is now pregnant and now the pressure to forgive and forget is more than ever.

All of DH's family say we are completely unreasonable and now they are having a baby we should be making an effort to build a relationship with BiL and his partner. They literally do not talk about anything else, they don't visit our children (we live 2.5hours away) but they don't call or text at all either.

Would I be unreasonable to stop calling them and texting etc when our efforts are often ignored or not reciprocated?

ImSoCoolNow Wed 10-Jun-15 09:42:30

Ah you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family...

What this woman said was completely out of order and unforgivable. I understand that you wouldn't want to speak to her again. However, and here is where IMO YABU, your BIL has chosen her as his partner and the baby she is having is the first cousin to your DSs.

Unfortunately sometimes you've just got to suck it up. You don't have to be best friends with her or go out of your way to be nice however, if it were me I'd be civil for the sake of the family and the kids.

How does your DH feel about you cutting off his family? In laws can be difficult, trust me I know, but sometimes you've just got to take the good with the bad. You married your DH 'for better or worse'

Basically your DH is to cut off his brother and his family for the sake of one woman. Would you need to see her on a regular basis or just at family occasions? I definitely think you need to be civil

ImSoCoolNow Wed 10-Jun-15 09:44:41

And about the bed wetting thing (haven't seen your last post) I'd have been fuming with MIL and DS wouldn't be staying there again. I have a bed wetter too

diddl Wed 10-Jun-15 09:46:56

"We have had all family members tell us that we are isolating our children from them and how we really should get over it and be civil for the sake of the wider family."

Tbh, I think that people who think that you should just get over being called liars about miscarriages aren't people who are worth having in your life.

ImSoCoolNow Wed 10-Jun-15 09:51:51

I don't think they need to 'get over it' because what she said was certainly unforgivable. But I do think for the sake of DH and his family they should be civil.

HoldYerWhist Wed 10-Jun-15 09:51:55

I have a thread somewhere on here "disengage, disengage, disengage"!

I've just cut off dh's toxic family.

I feel nothing but massive, massive relief. The thoughts of seeing them again at events etc caused me so much anxiety. Now I just feel free!

flowers for you. It's tough, really tough.

diddl Wed 10-Jun-15 09:55:30

"But I do think for the sake of DH and his family they should be civil."

Why?

His family aren't being civil, are they?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Wed 10-Jun-15 09:56:54

What stands out to me is that you hosted a christening, and they all ignored your children, and then when you don't go to functions you're seen as isolating your children (that they don't talk to). So it's all about contact on their terms?

I'm not sure I would cut them off, but I certainly stop making an effort.

(BTW I wouldn't be civil to BIL's girlfriend, I'd just ignore her - but I'm an old hag grin )

GloriousGoosebumps Wed 10-Jun-15 09:59:23

So the extended family are telling you that "you need to get over it" but what are they saying to BIL's girlfriend? Why aren't they telling her she needs to apologise, in fact why isn't it perfectly obvious to her that she needs to apologise?

Spamminit Wed 10-Jun-15 10:24:27

Thanks all. Well DH is happy to never talk to any of them again, he says this behaviour is something that is typical of his family. He feels as though BiL and his GF views are being held above his and they are minimising the hurt that she has caused.

To my knowledge, nothing has been said to BiL's gf and we are very much viewed as causing the rift in the family. I even had DH 80 year old grandmother send me a message on facebook saying this is all silly and am I even sure she said and that chinese whispers aren't to be listened to!

She said it to me directly and so there is no risk of a miscommunication with what the gf originally said.

I just feel that there is always a war to fight with them, or drama at any point.

Spamminit Wed 10-Jun-15 10:27:52

HoldYerWhist I used to be quite outgoing and bubbly but his family really do grind me down. Sometimes I feel like all the issues have become me. There is always a drama or some disagreement and it is all that I can think about. I need to be free!

cjt110 Wed 10-Jun-15 10:29:07

Sounds like they are already on the way to isolating the children themselves. Tell them to take a long walk....

NickiFury Wed 10-Jun-15 10:31:25

They sound very unpleasant.

One thing though, how can MIL be accused of causing months of bed wetting, given that your ds had just wet the bed. Clearly the bed wetting was already happening.

I don't think you're wrong to have little to do with them though.

HoldYerWhist Wed 10-Jun-15 10:34:04

HoldYerWhistI used to be quite outgoing and bubbly but his family really do grind me down. Sometimes I feel like all the issues have become me. There is always a drama or some disagreement and it is all that I can think about. I need to be free!

I honestly could have written this.

And it's only in the last couple of days I feel ready to get free of it.

Here's some mantras I keep repeating to myself!

1. I can't control other people, only my reaction to them.

2. I need to stop feeling guilty or responsible for dh's feelings and relationships. He's a grown man. He can and should handle them himself.

3. I know what they are and no matter what story they sell to everyone else, I will still know.

4. Other people's opinions are just that. And they can't hurt or effect me.

5. My children are genuinely better off away from such a dysfunctional and poisonous environment and will be better because of it.

6. They're a pack of wankers grin

Spamminit Wed 10-Jun-15 10:36:52

NickiFury of course the bed wetting is a speculation on my part, he hadn't wet the bed in a long time. Months and months, and did while he was there and lied about it, he was told off for lying and told repeatedly how disappointed she was that he would lie to her and had hurt her feelings. He returned home cutting the visit short and was very upset over the incident and then wet the bed every night for a long time after. We took him to the doctor and he was given tablets to assist but remained very anxious and worried about bed wetting which in turn probably caused the continued bed wetting. So I can't say it is her fault but I do believe it was the result of having such a stressful time there.

Spamminit Wed 10-Jun-15 10:37:42

HoldYerWhist are you me? wink

HoldYerWhist Wed 10-Jun-15 10:39:15

If spineless BIL were married I would think we were inlaws! grin

exWifebeginsat40 Wed 10-Jun-15 10:41:34

no contact. not your circus, not your monkeys.

Homebird8 Wed 10-Jun-15 10:42:52

I am so sorry for the loss of your babies Spamminit. Miscarriage is a dreadful loss and to have it denied by someone you considered a friend is not something to take lightly.

I think that to withdraw now, before your DC's cousin is born would be best if you are going to do it. Given that your DH is at the point of drawing a line maybe now is an opportune moment. Your DCs will not make any relationship with the baby when it comes and you and DH can protect them from the disorder and pain you can see in the family.

Toffeelatteplease Wed 10-Jun-15 10:44:56

There is no point in looking at it from the point of you of who is being unreasonable. Unreasonable is often a matter of perspective.

From your account it is likely you will always be perceived as very unreasonable by your husbands family. From your perspective your behaviour is reasonable. Your DH clearly thinks you are being reasonable. Personally I find some of your justification reasonable and some unreasonable.

In the end does it matter?

You either can forgive and forget and keep the In-laws in your life or yes be responsible for the rift but be rid of people you don't find a happy addition to your life.

Ultimately you can't be considered reasonable be everyone. But you can do what you can to make your life as happy as possible

Spamminit Wed 10-Jun-15 10:46:33

Well I have full support of DH as he doesn't want to talk to any of them so I wouldn't cause any difficulties between us. He is just gutted that his first neice or nephew is with such a vile person and wants nothing to do with the child or it's mother.

I imagine in time they will realise what she is like and will possibly want to see us and the boys again but quite frankly I am not going to wait to be proved right and then present my children as a consilation prize.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Wed 10-Jun-15 10:49:10

Oh well, if your DH is ready for cutting them off then just follow his lead grin

There is always a drama or some disagreement

Some people live for drama, it's their life blood, as HYW says disengage.

People on the relationships board will tell you that the other relatives are flying monkeys (wizard of oz - where the witch send the monkeys out to do her dirty work), they think they're helping by getting involved but they're not.

(I should point out that I don't speak to my MIL - I've had my share of flying monkeys).

With the 80yr old grandma and the like, I'd be saying "It's between us and them, don't worry about it and please don't feel you need to be involved". That way you're saying "butt out" but not constantly having to rehash what was said. You know what was said, you know it's the truth, if they don't believe you, well that's their problem, not yours (disengage).

Spamminit Wed 10-Jun-15 10:51:44

exwife I love that. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. grin

Raptor that is exactly what I did do. I just said we don't want the issue to effect other relationships and we will always be in contact and will continue to visit her if she wishes'

Spamminit Wed 10-Jun-15 10:52:16

*affect

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou Wed 10-Jun-15 11:14:22

Just cut them out if that's what will work with you.

We don't have anything to do with my DP's sister at all - no contact, never at the same events etc.

It's caused us absolutely no problems or mental anguish at all!!

You can't choose your family, but that doesn't mean you have to be stuck with them forever....

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