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To ask my friend to give my fiancé a hug?

(155 Posts)
PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 09-Jun-15 23:03:00

My fiancé and I are in a long distance relationship at the moment- we haven't seen each other since the end of March but will be together again permanently in August smile. He works in a big city abroad where he basically has no close friends, only colleagues. One of my old female friends also lives in the same city. I put them in touch and they met up for a coffee recently and got on well. I was really pleased for my DP because I thought it was nice that he had met a like-minded person at last- I knew they'd get on as they have a lot in common.

Anyway, tonight my DP went to an event also attended by my friend. I knew they were both going and messaged my friend asking her to give DP a hug from me. She did so. DP was pleased, as he has found it difficult only having 'professional' contact for so long. We are both pretty tactile people- I hug my friends and family all the time, and I can't imagine not having a hug for months.

When I told my mum about this, she was horrified. She said that I was 'throwing them together' and 'encouraging them' and lots of other things which really upset me, because the thought of anything going on between my female friend and my DP had never even entered my head. AIBU to think my mum is a loon? Or am I being naive here?

Pumpkinpositive Tue 09-Jun-15 23:10:07

Sorry, I can see where your ma is coming from. And I'm usually pretty casual about male/female platonics.

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 09-Jun-15 23:10:26

Ps: I didn't fall out with my mum over it- I just left it (although she could definitely tell I was annoyed!) but I don't know whether to bring it up again with her.

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 09-Jun-15 23:12:46

Can I ask why, pumpkin?

Mygardenistoobig Tue 09-Jun-15 23:13:10

I also agree with your mum.

Pumpkinpositive Tue 09-Jun-15 23:13:38

I'm not saying I agree with everything your mum has said, far less the way she phrased it.

But I think it's a bit chancy, mostly because you are not physically present with your DP right now and won't be for some months, and because you say he is otherwise very isolated.

TheCowThatLaughs Tue 09-Jun-15 23:17:48

I don't think it would throw them together, but I do think it's a bit odd, however you know the people involved and presumably your friend was happy to hug to order.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jun-15 23:21:00

I don't really agree with your Mum about 'throwing them together'

But at the same time, I just think 'giving a hug on behalf of someone else' is pretty pointless and a bit strange...particularly in this instance.

BlinkAndMiss Tue 09-Jun-15 23:21:15

Yeah you're being naive, I agree with your mum. The problem is that although you see this as a short term friendship between them, they won't. He's isolated and lonely, she is providing him with the emotional support he needs right now, but what happens when you and he are together? They'll have developed a close friendship that you can't just expect to finish once you're there to provide the emotional support. You're effectively giving him a replacement 'you' until you can be together.

I think platonic friendships can work, but not under these circumstances because of the loneliness felt by your DP. Loneliness can make people behave in ways they might not have done before.

Smellyoulateralligator Tue 09-Jun-15 23:21:53

It is a bit weird. Good thing you didn't fancy a shag.

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 09-Jun-15 23:22:09

In my circle of friends it is quite a throwaway phrase tbh- if you mention you are going to be seeing someone, the other person says 'oh, give them a hug from me'. I don't think it would be seen as odd.

Shakey1500 Tue 09-Jun-15 23:23:43

If you trust them both then I don't see an issue with it.

Pumpkinpositive Tue 09-Jun-15 23:24:41

In my circle of friends it is quite a throwaway phrase tbh- if you mention you are going to be seeing someone, the other person says 'oh, give them a hug from me'.

If it's just a "throwaway phrase" does that mean it isn't literally meant? Were you not expecting your friend to actually physically hug your DP? confused

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 09-Jun-15 23:25:02

I don't see it as a short term friendship between them. I see it as a friendship which will develop once I am there and we can all spend time together. (I am going to join DP in August). I am genuinely shocked at these responses, actually- don't any of your DPs hug their female friends?

BuildYourOwnSnowman Tue 09-Jun-15 23:25:55

I don't get the getting a hug from a third party thing. So they meet up with x and give them a hug, and then another hug from Polly?

I'm not a huggy person so don't really get it!

But to the op, agree with worra.

Discopanda Tue 09-Jun-15 23:27:11

It all depends on what he and your friend are like with physical contact. If neither of them are big huggers it is a bit odd but if he regularly hugs female friends and she's met him before that seems perfectly fine to me.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jun-15 23:28:34

I am genuinely shocked at these responses, actually- don't any of your DPs hug their female friends?

Yes, but not by proxy confused

If it's a throwaway phrase, why was your Mum so shocked when you explained?

SinIckAll Tue 09-Jun-15 23:30:48

if you trust your DP and your friend, which presumably you do as it never occurred to you to be an odd thing, then I don't think this is weird at all. I have friends who I know would do the same for my dp in the same situation and I would totally trust them too. I'm surprised everyone else seems to agree with your mother to be honest! I have friends who have shared a room with my dp when they went on courses together and it would never have troubled me because I implicitly trust them both and have faith in my relationship

Ludways Tue 09-Jun-15 23:31:28

I don't think it was weird, I've been in a long distance relationship and I've been the one living away from home, I think it was a nice gesture. I probably wouldn't do it again though as that would seem more pushy.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 09-Jun-15 23:31:59

I'd think of "give X a hug from me" as a figure of speech, in the same way that you might say "give X my love". I wouldn't interpret it as an instruction. I'd only want my partner and friends to hug if they wanted to.

If they're going to have an affair, a hug will make no difference at all.

brittabot Tue 09-Jun-15 23:34:39

I would use it as a throw away phrase - eg give them a hug from me, say hi from me. I should think your friend and DP know exactly how you meant it and aren't literally hugging by proxy!

Incidentally I don't get why you shared any of this with your mum!

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams Tue 09-Jun-15 23:35:41

I think it's nice - when I was living away from home having a hug was one of the things I missed the most. My family/friends at home were all huggy people, and when I moved away, even though they were good friends, they didn't tend to hug.

Once or twice I actually pretended to be more upset than I actually was just to get a hug blush

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 09-Jun-15 23:42:24

Maybe it's easier to understand if you're a huggy person? I would genuinely find it very difficult to be without a hug for more than a week or so.

Fatmomma99 Tue 09-Jun-15 23:42:42

When I read through this thread and got to Worra's first post, my first thought was "well, you would think that, wouldn't you" because from your posts you're a very practical 'feet on the ground' person, so it's not very typical 'you' to "give" a hug (literally or not) to someone else.

(sorry if this sounds stalker-y, but Worra's posts tend to land with me... I've picked up she's said some very funny, very sensible things, and she's been on MN a long time, so I feel like I have a sense of her, without knowing her at all or - I should add - wanting to know her more than I already do) (although, in a different thread, I do have her passport photo)

I'm waffling a bit, Polly. I TOTALLY get why you were pleased your friend was around and could give company to your DF. I've been in similar-ish situations. And I also have close friends who I encourage to hug or kiss my DH without it being a 'thing" because I KNOW that they don't find each other attractive. However, there are many, many, many sad situations of partners cheating with friends, so I'm afraid I do get your mum's POV and know where she's coming from, plus the other posters who've agreed with her.
But take heart... Not everyone lives life like an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

And Worra just isn't very huggy with people she doesn't invite in (I think).

tazzle22 Tue 09-Jun-15 23:45:31

Why is a hug... or any touch.. or even chatting about things other than work...seen as a sexual thing just because these two people happen to be male and female. Sometimes what we miss when apart is just mundane chat and physical contact of a non professional nature... a good friend in other words.

It us not inevitable that two people being friendly even fancy each other never mind wanna "get physical"... if you ok with it then just relax ...OP . Trust seems to be something rare around here so good on you if you have two people you trust

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