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DC with SN, AIBU to not share their medical information with strangers.

(21 Posts)
DancingDays Tue 09-Jun-15 10:55:27

I have 3 DC, 2 with SN. When we are out it is clear that DS is disabled, (SN buggy, no clear speach at nearly 4, repetitive behaviour, wears ear defenders etc) DD is 6 and mobile but flaps, toe walks, falls often, tactile and uncoordinated.

When asked what's wrong with them. I simply say they have Special needs and are both registered disabled. Of course I much prefer people asking rather than staring but I think that's enough information. The conversation can move on from that but people seem fixated on finding out what exactly is 'wrong' with them.

People will push for more information that I'm just not comfortable with telling, partly due to them both having multiple diagnosis so it's not as simple as saying autism or SPD. It's also DCs personal information and as their parent I feel I should protect that until (and if) they are able to share it themselves. I think it makes them more vulnerable if it's common knowledge.

I see so much about autism awareness etc and that we should be raising awareness and explaining but I just can't. I wouldn't go round telling everyone about DD anaphylaxis to nuts unless it was important the situation. So can't see why I should with DCs other medical conditions.

Should I just put aside my feelings and start explaining more to help educate others about these conditions or continue and understand that we will aways be an unknown to others wanting to understand our situation.

MrsNextDoor Tue 09-Jun-15 10:57:38

How rude! I can't believe people ask repeatedly! YANBU.

Could you say "It's too complicated to explain and I don't particularly want to." with a smile. That should shut them up.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jun-15 11:01:04

It's nobody else's business! Cheeky things. You will need to find a stock answer, something like "Sorry, I don't discuss his/her medical history; that's private" and roll it out every single time.

ElsieMc Tue 09-Jun-15 11:06:52

My GC's live with me and largely people do not pry too much, but there is always the occasional one or two. I even get asked who each one's father is which I find incredibly rude and intrusive. How would they like it if I asked their partner if he was the father of their child!

I just say I am sure you understand I want to protect the childrens' privacy or I dont discuss the childrens' legal status. After all if they are rude enough to ask, do they deserve to be treated with good manners? I would just shut them down. Why should you have go explain to strangers your own dc's issues.

lambsie Tue 09-Jun-15 11:07:00

How rude of them. I agree that a stock answer is best. People don't ask us but Ds has pretty obvious autism.

DeeWe Tue 09-Jun-15 12:34:21

I think though some people want to know so they can understand better.
With dd2 who is missing a hand, it is much better when people come and ask rather than staring or making comments from afar.

soapboxqueen Tue 09-Jun-15 12:38:38

I think people are just nosey and like to make conversation. I wouldn't read too much into it.

However, you certainly don't need to answer anyone's questions. You don't owe them an explanation. You could say 'actually I tend not to discuss it because it is my children's private information'.

However if someone actually asked me ' what is WRONG with your child ' I would be less diplomatic grin

Weebirdie Tue 09-Jun-15 12:42:42

Ive never hesitated to tell anyone my sons diagnosis which has become more complex the older he got.

Im quite happy to raise awareness but then again Ive never been offended by any questions Ive been asked regarding him. People have generally been very nice and Ive been happy to have a chat with them.

Athenaviolet Tue 09-Jun-15 12:47:51

They shouldn't be asking!

But I dont see the difference between saying they have 'special needs' (itself a label) and 'autism (or whatever)'.

There's a fine line imo between privacy and implying there is any shame over a diagnosis by refusing to name it.

Weebirdie Tue 09-Jun-15 13:14:39

But I dont see the difference between saying they have 'special needs' (itself a label) and 'autism (or whatever)'.

My thoughts also.

x2boys Tue 09-Jun-15 14:04:56

I haven't had this but I think if I did I would tell them well ds has a deletion on chromosome ,16 on the p arm and just wait for their eyes to glaze over ! Rude people.

Levismum Tue 09-Jun-15 14:17:49

2 of my dc are diagnosed with ASD/ADHD/ SPD/OLD & EDS.

Predominantly they both are Autistic.

They are 10&7. I rarely have been asked what their diagnosed with or if they have SN. Though it's very obvious they do!

It's nothing veto be ashamed of. I just say the boys have ASD. That's always been enough of an explanation to people.

Nibledbyducks Tue 09-Jun-15 14:36:00

It wouldn't occur to me to ask unless it was relevant, (if they were visiting me or part of a group activity), and only then so that I could best serve their needs.
Then again I have 3 DS's with invisible disabilities so I find myself constantly explaining their behavior, ( trying to get people to understand why my seemingly mature and sensible 16 year old is suddenly jumping up and down, hand flapping, and complaining he's too old for the ball pit is interesting. ..)

UmmErrWhateves Tue 09-Jun-15 14:50:07

What rude people! I'd probably just say something vague or just tell them I don't like discussing it and quickly move the conversation on. They are just being nosy.

LazyLouLou Tue 09-Jun-15 15:39:38

We had an odd dog, Heinz Special Breed. People used to ask what breed, we'd say 'mutt', they'd insist. So we told them he was a Nesi Tamolfa, a rare Japanese breed.

Ne si tam olfa = don't be so nosy, in Latin(ish).

I am sure it could be a new, specific, SN too smile

MrsMcColl Tue 09-Jun-15 15:51:17

I don't get asked specific questions about my DD very often, but I am happy to tell people about her. (As long as they haven't asked their questions in a crass way, and as long as I can include DD in the conversation if she's with me.)

My DD's diagnosis isn't particularly well known, and I don't mind educating people about it. But the point is you do mind - therefore YANBU to want people to back off if you've made clear that you don't want to discuss medical details. People can be very insensitive.

DogsAreNicerThanPeople Tue 09-Jun-15 20:52:47

I have a DS with ASD and I tell people his diagnosis on a 'need to know' basis. I've never made it common knowledge but everyone involved in his care and education is fully aware, as are the parents of his closest friends.
Now that my son is older, he chooses who he wants to tell. He is high functioning and has the mental capacity to make that decision. If his ASD was more severe or obvious I might have told more people, I'm not sure. There's no right or wrong answer really.

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 09-Jun-15 21:00:42

My eldest DS is Autistic. I rather like my younger DS's explanation to people 'He's Artistic'.

Weebirdie Tue 09-Jun-15 21:13:26

My son says he's Autistilics.

He started saying it after he watched this film which is fabulous by the way.

Babiecakes11 Wed 10-Jun-15 23:21:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WickedCrip Wed 10-Jun-15 23:32:18

I have a life long disability - I use a chair at all times.

I hate "awareness raising" and refuse to do it as I don't see what it achieves. Anyone who tells me I should do it gets told what for - I live my life and if people see me in my chair doing that it's enough awareness raising for me.

And those that try and ask about my condition get the answer "I use a wheelchair at all times" because my exact diagnosis is generally irrelvant. If they go on to ask more personal stuff "who looks after you" and "can you get to the loo without help" being particularly common I now ask why they want to know.

I like "why do you want to know" because if it's nosiness I can happily answer "sorry I don't know why that's your business" which always embarrasses them and makes the point.

But if it's legit (I started that after meeting a parent who went "my kid was just dx with XYZ and I've a suspicion that's your disability?" and asked for advice) I can answer.

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