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Friend's OH has baby from previous relationship...lies lies lies

(51 Posts)
BobbyElvis Tue 09-Jun-15 10:39:15

A friend of mine has been dating her partner for over a year. When they first got together he had just found out his ex-girlfriend was pregnant.

The ex has always been jealous and hates my friend. When the baby was born she specifically said she wanted my friend to have nothing to do with baby. Fair enough.

Turns out that friend's partner has been taking the child to meet my friend and all of her family. They take baby on days out and she has even had baby overnight.

WWYD if you were the mother of this child? I'm finding it hard to be involved in such a horrible lie. If it was my child I would be furious. As far as I'm aware the mother is clueless.

fredfredgeorgejnr Tue 09-Jun-15 10:43:09

Encourage a relationship between the baby and the father and the fathers family. So exactly what she's doing I think, although I'm not completely clear who is who...

Littlefluffyclouds81 Tue 09-Jun-15 10:44:31

The mother has no right to refuse to allow the baby's father's girlfriend of a year to come near her baby, unless for some reason your friend is some kind of danger to children.

His ex needs to grow the fuck up. What he does with his baby during his contact time is nothing to do with her, as long as the baby is being cared for.

aurynne Tue 09-Jun-15 10:45:09

The baby's mother has no right at all to limit who the baby can see when he/she is with his/her father.

AuntyMag10 Tue 09-Jun-15 10:45:50

The ex is being UR. She cannot ban the fathers partner from having any contact with the child. How would that even work if they are living together.
How are you involved though? You say you are tired of the lies.

SaucyJack Tue 09-Jun-15 10:46:48

I don't think it is a horrible lie.

The father is just as much a parent as the mother. He does not need her permission to introduce his child to his girlfriend if he wants to.

Dumpylump Tue 09-Jun-15 10:47:13

To be honest, she can be as furious as she likes, but she can't really stop it. Does she allow her ex to dictate who spends time with the baby when she is caring for him/her?

BeenWondering Tue 09-Jun-15 10:48:52

I'm finding it hard to be involved in such a horrible lie

But your not involved. It doesn't have anything to do with you.

Tbh the child is also his and it is inevitable that your friend would meet the child if the relationship continued.

As long as the child is safe and happy that's all that matters. In fact your friend is BU if she intends to use the child as a pawn against the father.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Tue 09-Jun-15 10:49:28

Sounds like the ex was cheated on and abandoned while pregnant. I'd be pretty pissed too.
Of course the father can pretty much do what he likes when he has the baby. But he'd want to be careful lying to the mother and going behind her back, because it must be a small baby and court ordered access might see him get a lot less than he does now.

Essentially they should all grow up, stop lying to each other, and put the kid first.

Damnautocorrect Tue 09-Jun-15 10:49:48

I'd suggest they come clean, expect the fall out and get contact legally formalised.
Won't be that long before baby is a toddler and tells mum.

WayneRooneysHair Tue 09-Jun-15 10:51:41

The ex is being very unreasonable, as long as the baby is well looked after and cared for I can't see the problem.

ForEverythingAReason Tue 09-Jun-15 10:58:09

They are BU for lying to the ex, but I can see why they are if she has "forbidden" contact with the new(er) gf. What a stupid notion! Unless new(er) gf is a danger to children as possible have said. As saucyjack said, he is the baby's parent just as much as the ex.

ForEverythingAReason Tue 09-Jun-15 10:59:00

Possible = pps. Autocorrect - the mind boggles!

QuiteLikely5 Tue 09-Jun-15 11:00:09

You are being unreasonable.

The child isn't at risk. The mothers demands are ridiculous and wouldn't stand up in court.

IsItStupid Tue 09-Jun-15 11:04:17

If the father is always around when your friend is with the baby this is fine. I could see why the mum would get upset but there is nothing really wrong. Or if the friend has only had the baby for short periods of time e.g. babysitting when the father pops out to the shops that is fine too.

Unless you think your friend endangers the baby.

she has even had baby overnight

Does this mean that your friend had the baby overnight when the father was not around? If so shock shock shock that is not on and I would contact the mother.

trashcanjunkie Tue 09-Jun-15 11:09:14

Hmm, it's a tough one, as intrinsically you feel 'honesty is the best policy'

Here's a different perspective. My brother (I cannot say 'd' as he's a nob of huge proportion) has a little girl who is almost two. My niece's mum got pregnant during a one night stand with my brother, whilst he was in a relationship with someone else. When it all came to light, she encouraged him to be involved but he failed to manage regular contact. His relationship also ended, and whilst he was briefly single, my nieces mum really tried to persuade my bro to be with her, and accommodated him at every turn. He wasn't interested and quickly fell into another relationship. The tension between the baby's mum and his new girlfriend caused immense headache for both women, and now my brother doesn't see his daughter. Mainly because he's a massive twat, but also because the baby's mum stipulated he couldn't have her around the new girlfriend.

At least in your friends situation a strong relationship is being forged, and she obviously cares for his baby deeply. The situation won't continue forever as the baby will grow up and talk! I understand how emotive the subject can be. My own children spend three nights a week with Dp and his partner, who was effectively the other women, but she's his long term partner, has two children with him, and loves my two children to pieces.

19lottie82 Tue 09-Jun-15 11:14:12

Would the father be unreasonable, if he told the mother who the baby was / wasn't allowed to spend time with when he wasn't there?

I'd hardly call it a "horrible lie", and as others have already said, it isn't really anything to do with you, anyway.

BobbyElvis Tue 09-Jun-15 11:15:52

I'm involved as I know all parties. The ex-girlfriend not so well but she is a friend of a friend. Also, I've been to visit my friend when baby has been there.

I find it ridiculous that they are sneaking around and lying to each other. I also feel sorry for the mother...I would be very upset if I was her. It's a difficult situation and I'm not sure there is a way to deal with this where all involved would be happy.

AuntyMag10 Tue 09-Jun-15 11:18:24

You haven't explained the situation well.
Why exactly is the ex banning contact with the fathers gf?
If the reason is not related to the child then can you see why they might have no choice to keep this from her.

19lottie82 Tue 09-Jun-15 11:23:26

OP, you're over involving yourself in this. You may know all the parties involved (even though the mother is only a friend of a friend), it is still NOTHING to do with you.

Aussiemum78 Tue 09-Jun-15 11:24:24

The ex probably believes your friend is the ow he left her for while pregnant.

And she is possibly right.

Your friend only knows what her bf has told her about the circumstances of the pregnancy etc. I'll bet it's not the whole truth.

AuntyMag10 Tue 09-Jun-15 11:26:18

Even if your friend is the ow she can't use the child to get back at her ex. Either way you don't have to be involved unless u want to.

cuntycowfacemonkey Tue 09-Jun-15 11:26:42

I know lots of people and all my friends have friends doesn't make me remotely involved in anyone's business. Beak out OP - sounds like your itching to stir it up a little.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Tue 09-Jun-15 11:28:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Tue 09-Jun-15 11:29:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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