To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?(287 Posts)
My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.
My thoughts for not going...
- Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
- childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
- we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
- I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.
Reasons for going....
- mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
- dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
- ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.
What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! thanks in advance everyone.
Sorry I think YABU and you should either go or let DH take DS while you stay at home.
Yes yabu, if you don't feel like going then your dh and ds should still be able to go. Also it would really be unfair that you've spent time with your own family and then have all these issues with your dh family.
Assuming you're there alone with your ds is there anything to do if you don't have a car? (Think that would swing it for me.)
I think it sounds alright actually, a villa with private pool, they'll all be off doing activities and day trips so you'll get some family time alone.
I think you're looking for excuses not to go.
Your complaints are that it will be hot and that they'll be doing some day trips
These problems can be sorted. You stay cool, you go in the shade, plenty of cooling off in the pool
But why can't your son go away without you? He'll have a great time
Your not going list is stuff that hasn't changed since it has been booked. You should have thought it through and said no from the beginning, not changed your mind now.
I don't see that going away to Cornwall with your parents makes any difference, it's not a competition that each family has to spend equal time together.
I don't see why you all have to do everything together on the holiday. You, DS and your DH can still do your own things as a family.
YABU and it will cause bad feeling. Go and enjoy a holiday abroad that your child will like. Next time say no from the beginning.
Ugh. I do see your point. I kind of think that planning holidays abroad with your extended family is a bit like weddings abroad - it is lovely if they all come but you need to be kind and gracious if they don't.
Would your DH be happy to take your DS without you? I know you said that you wouldn't be happy with that but my goodness think of the lovely rest you would get.
I kind of think the time in Cornwall is not relevant. You weren't enormously pregnant then.
Definitely unreasonable. Your mil would be devastated and it will definitely cause unrest in the family- and probably ruin a special occasion.
You will only be 28 weeks pregnant. I think it sounds ok. You are not bein coaxed into doing activities you don't want to do as everyone is happy doing their own thing.
Go and have fun with your family and little DS.
Funny how people will make an effort for their own family but look at exuces. not to do the sme with their MIL!
I think you should all go. Your dh could maybe join his family for activities on one or two days, with the 3 of your spending the rest of the holiday together-either poolside or on toddler friendly outings.
There's a pool and a beach, and ds is fab company at the moment, he's at a lovely stage, so that's not a problem. Just don't want him to be stuck inside bored for most of the day if it is very hot. Midwife raised an eyebrow when i asked about going, said she was Spanish and would not take her toddler somewhere so hot in August...
A hot location at the end of August is my idea of hell and I'm not pregnant with a toddler.
Do I read it right that your MIL has paid for the villa but you've had to pay for flights? That can't have been cheap in the school hols. I'd prefer to book my own holidays and not sing to someone else's tune - but I'm a miserable bugger.
Another one here who thinks you are being unreasonable. Nothing has changed since you originally booked it so pulling out now will just look like you don't want to spend time with your DP's family, which I think is actually the case.
Has your Spanish midwife never seen toddlers in her homeland? I'm pretty sure they do have children living in warmer climates than the UK. It won't be that hot, there will be shade and a pool. I think your toddler would love it.
I think if it was me I would go with the 'doctor said it would be better if I didn't fly' option and send my DH - I couldn't have seen myself sending my 2yr old away from me for a week when he was 2 so I get you there!
I think the heat and flying could be hard at 28 wks pregnant and that alone would be putting me off.
How hot? Like, 28 degrees hot or 40 degrees hot?
at your midwife. Spaniards all head to the beach every summer, and are joined by many families from nordic climes so blonde hair and pale skin is pretty common.
What you do to cope is adapt your day. Get to the beach by 9am for a few hours. Then home for lunch and a siesta. Afternoons poolside, evenings socialising w family. Sunscreen and shade as necessary.
It's great, honest. It's only mad foreigners who try and do activities in the heat of the day that struggle
What do you think toddlers and pregnant women do when they live in a hot country ?
Just go. Your son can use the pool early on and in the evening. Have something with you that you can do during the hot parts of the day. Have a snooze and keep him up later.
Sometimes with families you just have to do stuff like this. But make sure you discuss things with your husband first, have a code word if necessary for an escape and try and sort out a day trip for your DH, and kid and anyone else who might want to come.
Just to put the other point of view, given other answers on the thread. If you hate the heat then I can see your point. And if your DS is the only child then I think it better if DH goes on his own, and you plan another family get together in a couple of years when your kids are a bit bigger (or somewhere cooler).
IME - nothing worse than an overtired toddler - especially when you are hot and bothered yourself.
What does DH think ? Does he spend a lot of time being in charge of DS on his own ? If so - then let him have the final say if he takes DS or not.
If you do decide that - try and find a tactful way to not make it look as if MIL made a bad choice of location. Probably ideal for everyone else - just not you and DS at that particular time.
You really should have thought this through before agreeing to the holiday, OP. Not sure whether it was booked before you became pregnant, but the climate and your son's complexion were known to you, as was the need for car seats, etc.
To be casting around for an escape clause now is mean, IMO. I feel very sorry for your MIL who is anticipating a fun family celebration, and your DH who's destined to be in someone's bad books whichever way you decide to jump.
I'm surprised at your midwifes comment. Where are you going? Surely people there have babies too and survive? I think you're looking for excuses and yabu really. If your LO still naps you could aim for a nap during 11-3 and along with lunch time etc it shouldn't be too hard to keep out the heat when it's at its worst or wear long sleeved lose fitting clothing, hats and lots of cream etc
Have you checked that the airline will take you at 28 weeks? Some won't or will request a doctors note. Also have you adequate insurance?
I wouldn't be going at 28 weeks but I've had two prem births. They wouldn't let me in the airport
Yup, villa paid for, we bought flights.
Flights were booked before I was pregnant but mil was warned we were trying and depending on how we got on I may not be able to come.
You are right that another reason is that I just don't want to go. His sils make no effort with ds (one can't have kids and finds it very very difficult to be around him, which is sad but I understand. It is part of the reason I wouldn't want ds to go without me - he doesn't understand why they don't play with him) and they all make minimal effort with me. Last time they all went away as a family was for fils big birthday. I was living with dh and we were trying for a baby. I wasn't invited as it was "family only".
Now you are all making me feel ashamed of myself. Maybe I need to have a word with myself. Would just rather has a separate holiday with dh and ds.
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