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To think you don't comment on someone's weight - whether fat or skinny - unless you have something nice to say?

(52 Posts)
ZombiePiglet Mon 08-Jun-15 10:02:15

Four times during the past two weeks I've had people I know commenting on my weight - twice yesterday. Not, 'don't you look healthy', or 'looking lovely today', but rather 'you're looking very skinny (with no smile)' and 'you're getting smaller and smaller, you'll disappear soon.'

Why do people think it's ok to say this?! There is an implication that I look too slim, rather than that being a compliment. I would never say to someone 'gosh, you've ballooned since I last saw you.' It's just so impolite.

And now it's playing on my mind that I look unhealthy and everyone thinks I look ill but isn't telling me! For the record, I haven't lost weight as far as I'm aware, I'm just shy of 5'2", and smack bang in the middle of my healthy BMI range.

butterfly133 Mon 08-Jun-15 10:29:08

YANBU. I am often amazed - and disappointed - at how much detail people notice. I have a friend who tells me, quite often, "you've lost weight!" I haven't. Not a pound. I think she notices even a millilitre of water weight. It's very annoying. I am also changing shape, just with age, so that confuses her. I agree that comments like that are unwelcome and annoying.

ZombiePiglet Mon 08-Jun-15 10:36:27

Unwelcome - perfect way of putting it!

SumThucker Mon 08-Jun-15 10:44:15

I don't know- naturally skinny people, yes I can understand their anger/upset when people tell them they're too thin/lost weight, and is equally hurtful as being called fat.

If a person is usually an 'average' weight and is suddenly noticeably thinner, I think a lot of people comment through concern.

WorraLiberty Mon 08-Jun-15 10:46:50

If a person is usually an 'average' weight and is suddenly noticeably thinner, I think a lot of people comment through concern.

Would would they comment out of concern if the person had got fat?

Possibly, but I think on the whole a lot of people think slim people are 'fair game'.

NuggetofPurestGreen Mon 08-Jun-15 10:53:14

I don't think you should comment on anyone's weight at all - unless they are a good friend and you know they've been dieting or at a slimming club or whatever.

TedAndLola Mon 08-Jun-15 10:53:16

YANBU. I remember reading a blog by a woman who said, when she was very ill with cancer, she got lots of comments about how "great" she was looking with the weight loss. She didn't think it was so great...

I don't agree that slim people are seen as 'fair game' more than the overweight. The most frequent comments are probably to overweight people who appear to be losing weight - people comment on this as they think it's encouraging and kind. I don't do it, because the likelihood is the person will regain all the weight and I don't want to reinforce any notions that they are a better person when slimmer.

Just don't mention weight. There is no need.

KnitFastDieWarm Mon 08-Jun-15 10:58:13

God I hate this - apart from being rude, it is so desperately boring. I can't say I give a toss what my friends weigh because it's one of the least interesting things about them.

CrapBag Mon 08-Jun-15 10:59:35

YASNBU!

I have always been slim and I find comments on my weight very annoying, especially when my obese 'friend' sneers that I am too thin (I'm not, I'm bang in the middle of a healthy weight but I'm tall so do look slim but I'm also pretty curvey so I like my figure).

I got picked on at school about my weight. I wouldn't sneer at my obese friend that she is far too fat so I don't expect people to do it about my weight either.

Ignore them OP, although I like the unwelcome comment. Storing that for future use. On my last night out my friends (different friends) were all very admiring of my flat stomach which gave me a real boost as I rarely have positive comments. You would think I look ill but I really don't. I wonder if some of it is envy? To be effortlessly slim must be a real bugbear to some ignorant people.

ZombiePiglet Mon 08-Jun-15 10:59:35

Fair enough through concern, but then only if you're a close friend and it's a proper sit down chat with a cuppa, kind of thing.

CrapBag Mon 08-Jun-15 11:02:05

See I do comment on a couple of friends weight when I know they are actively trying to lose it and I notice (which is rare, I don't tend to notice much). When I know they are trying hard and they are sharing it with you about their weight loss I do think this is then acceptable.

ZombiePiglet Mon 08-Jun-15 11:07:50

Oh I absolutely agree CrapBag!.I have a very good friend who has been on a bit of a journey losing two stone. I always compliment her on the way she looks, but Iddon't use the 's' word. I tell her she looks amazing today or her figure looks great in that. It's an invited comment rather than an unwelcome 'looking a bit skinny'. Glad I'm not on my own with this!!

WorraLiberty Mon 08-Jun-15 11:08:45

I just don't comment on people's weight full stop.

I'm totally uninterested in how much my friends weigh and that includes when they lose weight.

Occasionally I've known people to be offended when people don't mention that they've lost weight, and I think they have no right to be.

Their weight is their own personal thing.

andadietcoke Mon 08-Jun-15 11:11:28

It's one of those things that can never end well. I've lost a lot of weight. At a board meeting recently the medical director was desperate to know how much I'd lost, how I'd done it, and kept telling me how amazing I looked and that he hadn't recognised me. Fine. I'm sure he's just interested, and he thinks he's being nice by paying me compliments but it was just awful and cringeworthy. And I always take it as 'you looked a state before' even though I know that's not normally the intention.

ImprobableBee Mon 08-Jun-15 11:25:04

Agreed that slim people are seen as 'fair game', unfortunately. Congrats to Meghan Trainor for normalising 'skinny bitch hate' hmm. It's not inspiring body confidence at all, it's churlish, childish retaliation and bullying.

No, I don't think its ok, or particularly interesting or worthwhile, to comment either way on anybody's weight or appearance. Perhaps a vague "you look nice today" if you can see a close friend has made an effort, though I do agree with Ted about that possibly reinforcing a direct proportionality between weight and value.

YANBU, but you can't win! Avoid!

HellKitty Mon 08-Jun-15 11:35:49

A few years ago I was under a lot of stress and had major cash problems as a single working mum. Either I ate or I fed the DCs, no contest. I am 5'7" and ended up a size 8, a 6 in certain stores. Daily I would get from friends, friends of friends and even shop assistants (small town mentality) about how skinny I was usually accompanied by 'bitch' or 'cow', all meant affectionately (?!). My then BF (now DP) had his friends comment on my weight along the lines of 'pretty but too thin', i'd get female friends of his on FB putting up PA comments like 'men love meat, only dogs like bones', how 'curves are better' and how only 'real men love real women'. For a few years I was told by media and 'da so-called sisterhood' that I wasn't a real woman.

If I'd done a similar thing to an overweight woman I would have been murdered.

Anyway. I'm now a 12, I do miss 'those' days of being able to buy and wear what I wanted but I'm happy with my size. DP has always been happy with me, not my size and he deleted FB after sending a few barbed comments.

So YADNBU and it fucks me right off. Or fucked me right off. I get comments to my tits now hmm

Nittyb Mon 08-Jun-15 11:55:03

As a naturally 'skinny' perspn, who actively tries to put on weight I also occassionally get negative comments which really upset me. I've spent years trying not be bothered, and wanting to put on weight, so these comments can set me right back, usually it's just because I'm wearing something different which I then never want to wear again ! The worst was at a keep fit class when someone said 'Are you sure you don't stick your fingers down your throat ? ' shock

I never comment on anyone's weight, simply rude in my opinion !

Wannabe2015 Mon 08-Jun-15 11:57:35

YANBU. I was told this morning by a woman I met that I am too skinny and should be 'twice as big' as I am. Im 5'5 and about 9st10lbs. Ridiculous.

Society has lost all perspective when it comes to weight.

I didn't mention to her that I'm still losing my baby weight and hope to be back to my 'normal', comfortable weight of 9st soon.

ZombiePiglet Mon 08-Jun-15 11:58:12

Lol at the 'comments to my tits' HellKitty.

Improbable - yes I'd never thought of the song that way!

I think it is best just not to comment weight-wise full stop. Everyone likes to be told they look nice, but no-one wants it to be weight dependant. And as other posters have said, you never know the reason behind it.

editthis Mon 08-Jun-15 12:11:28

I think it is best just not to comment weight-wise full stop.
^^ this.

I completely understand how you would be offended by this, OP and you're right, people are ignorant about it.

However. I would say that, often, comments about people being slim or skinny, even when dressed up as concern, come from a place of envy. Comments about someone being too fat never do.

Runningupthathill82 Mon 08-Jun-15 12:40:09

Agree that slim people are seen as fair game. I've been told several times by my mum recently that my face is "too thin" and I look "gaunt."
I don't. I have a bmi of around 21.

Meanwhile, would she dare comment on the size of my 19-stone sister? Course not. Society has lost perspective of what is "normal."

HamishBamish Mon 08-Jun-15 12:48:08

I agree that it's somehow seen as ok to make comments to slim people. I had a friend who used to call me a 'skinny freak'!

I have been at both sides personally, but one thing I do notice now I'm overweight is the subtle difference in the way people treat me. It's like they have less respect for me because I'm fat.

Either way, it's not nice to feel judged or commented on whatever your weight.

greenbanana Mon 08-Jun-15 13:01:10

YANBU

Similar to HellKitty, I dropped a couple of dress sizes (down to an 8) two years ago. People couldn't stop asking me how I did it, saying how jealous they were etc. I'd just been diagnosed with clinical depression - the weight loss was a symptom. I was seriously ill, it wasn't something to celebrate (and frankly I was a bit perturbed that people noticed the weight loss before the fact I'd stopped smiling).

Occasionally it is appropriate to mention weight - for example close friends expressed genuine concern and that was fine. And one of my friends recently put on a lot of weight because she was comfort eating - again I don't think me asking her about it was a problem, I asked about her mental health not her weight, I was worried.

I wish people would realise that fast weight gain or loss are often linked to mental health problems, and snide comments are just really inappropriate.

HellKitty Mon 08-Jun-15 13:59:22

Exactly! I'd get people asking how I did it. I'd tell them to divorce an EA controlling arsehole, chain smoke, mainline coffee and try feeding 3 children and running a home on minimum wage grin

I think they wanted me to say Ryvita or something!

PaleoRules Mon 08-Jun-15 14:08:16

It always makes me laugh on threads like this that slim women think that larger women never get told they're fat/mocked/piss taken out of them. The reason you don't think this is because you're slim and therefore wouldn't hear these comments!

The idea that larger women aren't constantly mocked is bloody nonsense - and, as someone upthread said, it's never going to be from a position of envy always from a position of pointing out what a fat bitch you are.

I've been both ends of the weight spectrum and trust me there is NO contest as to which is worse. When I have a nasty comment aimed at me I can't walk away feeling "well I like my body and my gorgeous flat stomach/perfect arse/amazing cheekbones (delete as applicable). I just feel like utter crap and totally humiliated.

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