To want to move?(15 Posts)
DH and I are in a bit of a stand off at the moment. I've 2 grown up children from my first marriage, and we have decided to try for another baby now I am in my late thirties. Financial and work commitments mean that we can probably ttc next year -not ideal, I know, but it's the best we can do.
Here's where it has become complicated. While I do want another child, I'd be OK as well if it didn't happen. However, DH has no children of his own and has said he would be very upset if we didn't have kids.
This is all fine, and I always knew he wanted children, but he also wants to continue living in the small London flat we have. This is a major issue for me, and to be honest I think he is being really selfish. For medical reasons, I would most likely have to stop work around 12 weeks pregnant. I moved to London to be with him, but I don't really like the area - it is outrageously expensive and we are already paying ££££ in rent. Every Friday and Saturday night we get drunk people walking home through the night, screaming and vandalising stuff. The schools are not very good and more importantly, there is not a lot to do here that will not be expensive. We live on a high floor, no lift. We have no outdoors space, and when my other kids visit, we are like sardines!
We cannot afford to rent a larger house here, as it would be at least an extra £500 before extra heating, council tax etc, not that I would like to anyway. I want us to move out of London about 30 miles where we could get a house with a garden in a nice area for slightly less money than we are paying now, and I would have my family closer for support, good schools, less council tax and so forth. It would mean he has to commute to work about 40 minutes each way, but it would still be cheaper than a house here.
I don't think I am being U for wanting to live in a decent area and not have to lug a new baby upstairs and live in a place the size of a postage stamp. It frustrates me because I think he is being very unrealistic, but he says he likes it here and does not want to move. I on the other hand do not want to sit alone with a baby or child in an upstairs flat in a pretty unfriendly area with nothing to do and nobody able to visit me without an hour's drive.
How would everyone else feel about this? Should I stand my ground?
Of course he is unreasonable, but equally you don't yet have a baby, and even if you got pregnant immediately, it would probably be another 2 years before your family actually got bigger. He has no experience of babies, so he can't realise what they mean. I am sure once your child arrived and the reality of the practicalities hit he will change his point of view. I think you have no alternative then to wait whilst still making your point. Men need time.
Good point - I hope he will realise that living Tetris-style is no fun
Tell him he has 2 clear choices: stay in flat with no baby, or move and have baby. No wait and see, no maybe he'll come round. He can decide which is really important to him and commit to one or the other.
This is pretty much what I did say, Winter! I was told I was being selfish though - which I disagree with because I will have to give up work and stay in the home.
I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with raising a child in a flat but I think if a house with outside space can reasonably be provided, especially in an area with outstanding schools, then it is a no-brainer. I do think he should pay more attention to what I want, though, seeing as I am going to be the sahp.
He doesn't think you mean it then. I wouldn't be discussing it again, unless he was answering that question. You need to be clear that you will not be getting pregnant if you aren't moving, end of story.
I'd be wary though, if he's already thinking this selfishly. He wants a baby, he wants his flat, he wants to decide....isn't this the kind of man who will do whatever he wants even when there is a baby to consider?
Actually I wouldnt have another baby if I didn't want one. Especially if I was going to be doing most of the parenting myself .
It sounds to me like he wants to have a baby but have nothing change in his life . That's a recipe for disaster . I think you need to sit down and discuss all the changes that will happen if you have a baby together , practical and financial
Well, in most ways he is a good husband and good partner, and I know he will be a good father. He lacks insight into situations, though - he only tends to see things from his own perspective, which can be very trying at times. I don't think it is entirely deliberate, and not malicious at all, but it does frustrate me.
He grew up in a flat in a huge city so he doesn't see why I would not want that life. I grew up in a rural farming community...you can see the problem!
Stacey - I do want another baby, just don't want to be in the situation at 40 that I was as a broke 25 year old student - cooped up in a flat with a child. And I want my family close, my mum is elderly and can't keep driving hours to see me.
To me, the most worrying bit here is "For medical reasons, I would most likely have to stop work around 12 weeks pregnant"
Is this pregnancy really a good idea for you?
You want it but wouldn't be that bothered if it doesn't happen. He really wants it but isn't prepared to change anything about his life to accommodate it and there's a risk to your health?
If I were you I wouldn't contemplate having a baby while living in that flat. What's his plan for when you have to go to the supermarket? How does he think you are going to get several bags of shopping, a pram and a baby up the stairs?
Where is your nearest park? What's his plan for when a slightly jaundiced newborn arrives in the flat which needs exposure to day light to help it recover?
As the baby grows into a toddler where will it's toys go? Where are the nice places to take it for a walk, play with a ball, learn to ride a scooter?
I know some people simply don't have a choice and have to put up with less than ideal living arrangements but as you have a choice this flat is not good enough.
If it were me , I woudo want to have a serious talk with my DH, and discuss in detail the practical aspect of having a baby. To ensure he understands the impact on
His pension and savings
His hobbies, holidays and free time
Your sex life
Because if he s not worked out how the supermarket shop will get done, he's unlikely to have worked out how he can ensure your pension doesnt suffer while you are off work or what family holidays will be like
I think yabu to a certain extent. I have a 9 month old. I live in a small flat in London. I live in a building without a lift and live up several flights of stairs. I also don't have a car. It's also a noisy area where I live like yours, drunk people outside at the weekends.
Of course in an ideal world I would live in a family house with a garden in London. But I could never afford that. But I choose to live in a small flat with no garden in London rather than a house in the home counties. I understand why your husband wants to stay. Fortunately my dp and I both want to continue living in London.
I'm surprised that you say there are not cheap children's activities. I don't know where in London you are, but I know people with children all over London and the all go to many cheap or free activities. I could go to some free at sure start centres every day of the week. Then there's cheap activities for under a fiver at other places. Have at ollyolly.co.uk
Managing the stairs: get to a sling library and choose a sling you're happy with. Get a light pushchair like a maclaren for the days you don't want to use a sling. We manage without a tumble dryer, but that might help if you don't have room for drying racks. Have a massive declutter and get some ikea storage. I can't believe how much stuff I managed to clear out before the baby arrived.
I don't think you should stress about local schools now, things could change a lot in 5 or more years.
However if you can afford to buy in the area you are thinking of moving to, then do it. Security of housing is so important.
Also get your groceries delivered when you're dp is at home. Many shops won't bring shopping up more than 1 flight of stairs.
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