To want DH to drink less?

[Allalong]

i just want some perspective-I no longer know who is being unreasonable any more.

My DH has suffered anxiety and depression notably for the past 3 years. He has a childhood history of abuse which I am certain stems from this. He also has an anger problem and imo likes to drink too much.

There was a point where he would drink vodka every day and hide it from me. I am certain he does not do this any more, but he still drinks every day and denies he has a problem whether physical or psychological with alcohol.

He also has an anger problem. In the past 3 years he has tried to commit suicide, smashed things up in the house, started fights. Basically he sees red and can be a totally different person- one that I am frankly terrified of.

He has never physically hurt me, but I feel that as he literally loses his mind in those times he could without knowing why he was doing. Have had to call the police before as I've felt he was a danger to himself/me/others. Around 5 weeks ago he made me scared for my safety and as a result he is on a waiting list for anger management.

We made an agreement that until things were sorted in terms of anger he would not drink more than 2 beers a day (I don't mind him drinking, just not to excess), and he has stuck to that. He has also recently started a new job, has more energy and overall things are better than they have been in years.

But whilst I am happy things are looking up, the troubles are still in my mind and I am still not happy with him drinking more until we know that past problems will not be repeated.

He has had 4 beers a night for the last 3 nights. I asked him to only have 2 tonight as per our agreement and he said that I am controlling and couldn't deal with his happiness. So is it me, should I just relax or should he be sticking to our compromise as he said he would?

[hedgehogsdontbite]

The most useful thing I learnt when in a similar situation 20 years ago is that you cannot change him and what he does, you can only change what you do. So look at who he is, what he does and how he makes you feel, and ask yourself if this is really what you want for your life.

[airforsharon]

You've mentioned several very good reasons in your post as to why he should be sticking to your 'compromise'. And he's refusing to.

He sounds like my ex, always has an excuse for wanting/needing to drink. As hedgehog says you can't change him, and nor should you have to try. He can make his choices, and you get to make yours. I can strongly recommend Al Anon (for partners, friends and families of problem drinkers) for advice and support. They helped me tremendously.

[BettyCatKitten]

If he has to drink every night he has a drink problem. You need to ask yourself if this is the life you want. Drink and anger are v dangerous combination.

[LobsterQuadrille]

I truly sympathise and relate. I joined mumsnet a few years ago purely to ask a similar question as I too was told that I was controlling and that the issues were mine rather than his. Everyone on here, without exception, assured me that I was not being at all unreasonable. I can only echo that AA mantra "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference". You cannot change your DH's behaviour if he doesn't want to change, but you can change the situation if you want to - and you can get support for yourself. Good luck.

[mileend2bermondsey]

Hiding drinking is for me the biggest red flag ever. From what you have wrote your DH clearly has a drinking problem. What you chose to do about the sitution is at your discretion. But just know, an alcoholic will only change their ways when they want to, and if youre DH doesnt accept he has a problem, he wont be changing his ways any time soon no matter what you say.
My sympathies OP

Daughter of a an alcoholic and niece of an alcoholic who'd who died from it.

[mileend2bermondsey]

your* DH

[Bluestocking]

No, YANBU. Can I ask if you have children?

[Allalong]

Thank you all for replying. No we don't have children yet and I'm not planning on any at the moment. I just feel so sad as I know we could be so so happy together if it wasn't for the drink.

He really doesn't understand that there is a problem and genuinely thinks I can't stand to see him happy and am putting him down all the time. He has gone off in a huff to sleep in the spare room now.

I know they say people need to hit rock bottom before they change, but I am too weak to make that happen. He has no money of his own, the house is in my name- if I kick him out he will be homeless and I worry he would get depressed and hurt himself. I know it's not my responsibility ultimately but I can't bring myself to make him go (he wouldn't go easily) and deep down I don't want him too either.

He is the only relationship I ever had and I have no experience at all in relationships ending and I'm too weak to see it through.

[Linds53]

He doesn't genuinely think those things. He is making excuses which allow him to continue to drink. Its what alcoholics do. He's a grown man and the choices he makes are for him to make. You can't control his drinking and you can't cure him. Its up to you what you do about your relationship, but ask yourself if it's making you happy and if this is the way you want to continue to live.