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To resent members of my wider family who voted Tory?

(129 Posts)
Livingtothefull Sat 06-Jun-15 18:47:06

I love them and being with them (parents & siblings), that will never change, but I can't help being cross with them all the same:

Before the election we discussed who we would be voting for, who was going to win etc. Some family members said that they would be voting Tory because they felt that 'the economy would be in the safest hands'.

I told them that we all knew that if the Tories got in they would make savage cuts to public services, and that these were likely to affect some of the most vulnerable….one of these is my DS who is disabled, both physically (in a wheelchair) and severe learning disabilities.

Over the Coalition years quite a few of the things he used to enjoy and made our lives easier, have been stripped away. We knew if we had a Tory government that it was likely to get worse.

In the past few weeks we have learned the following:

The bus service that takes DS to his school (no suitable school in our area) is being cut back. The team of drivers/helpers, who have looked after him for over 5 years (so they know him & he is comfortable with them) is going to be replaced with a cheaper service….no first aid trained staff on the bus so instead we will be called, not great if we are at work.

DS goes to a family who look after him through a respite care service, every few weeks and occasionally overnight. Again, he has been going there for several years so close relationships have been formed. To cut a long story short, we have heard that this service is going to be reduced or even removed.

I wish we could just be left alone, we have enough on our plates without worrying about what is going to be taken away from DS and us next. I don't feel we are asking too much. My DS is highly vulnerable, will never be able to live independently, he will have as good a life as his country is willing to give him.

I will always love them but I really feel a gulf opening up between us & them in terms of our understanding, and this saddens me.

Flisspaps Sat 06-Jun-15 18:49:58


Wideopenspace Sat 06-Jun-15 18:50:49


BabyGanoush Sat 06-Jun-15 18:51:41

Don't direct your anger towards your loved ones.

It won't change anything and will only make you feel worse.

PaigeMahoney Sat 06-Jun-15 18:59:45

YANBU. I feel similarly about some of my relatives who voted Tory but rely heavily on the NHS. It seems a complete contradiction to me.

Theycallmemellowjello Sat 06-Jun-15 19:00:15

To be honest, yes I think it is unreasonable to resent them for this.

I am far from a Tory supporter and do not support Tory economic or social policy. However, economists are really split on what the best thing to do in our current economic situation is. we do have high public debt and a deficit. My understanding is that the question of whether it's a good idea to maintain pre-2007 levels of public spending comes down to how likely we think it is that there is going to be another massive market crash. Everyone agrees that if it happens, high public spending, and correspondingly high levels of public debt would be ruinous and cause much greater cutbacks in the future. If it's unlikely that there's be another crash, it's fine to keep public spending high. If it's not so unlikely, public spending should be reduced. Plenty of respected economists think another crash is a distinct possibility, and that public spending cuts in our situation are the best way to ensure that there is public money to be spent in the future. This does not mean that they don't care about public services - many of them would say that it is because they care about public services that they think that they think that spending has to be reduced over the next 10 years.

Basically, you may not agree with the Tory economic assessment, but that doesn't mean that it is obviously, objectively wrong (because the issue is so complex that it's impossible to really tell) and still less that anyone who does agree with it is a bad person.

Livingtothefull Sat 06-Jun-15 19:01:02

I don't bear them any grudge BabyGanoush but at the same time I really can't help the way I feel. I would certainly never take it out on them and do not intend to raise the subject at all as what's done is done.

spillyobeans Sat 06-Jun-15 19:02:13

Yeah i dont know if yabu or not - i didnt vote tory but my dad did and i cant help feeling that it was selfish of him to vote that way as he is quite rich so non of the cuts etc effect him...but they do me!

But then again do we not all vote on the premis of what best suits us? Hmm

Bunbaker Sat 06-Jun-15 19:02:22

I don't vote Tory, but don't resent people who do. Who they vote for is their own business, so on that basis YABU.

Jacksonyellow Sat 06-Jun-15 19:02:25

Yanbu, however it would be more productive for you to direct your anger towards the decision makers. Write to your MP, write to the Minister responsible and write to the Prime Minister. Write to your local paper. Tell them what the cuts are doing to you and your son. Most people are completely ignorant about these cuts because they are not affecting them, tell everyone the human story.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 06-Jun-15 19:04:10

Of course YABU. They are entitled to vote for who they want, and for whatever reason.

YABU also in calling your parents your 'wider family', or have I misread?

MackLin Sat 06-Jun-15 19:06:13

YABU. None of your business who they voted for or why.

MrsRSharpe Sat 06-Jun-15 19:07:58

Yes. They voted for who they felt would be the best for the country.

I'm truly sorry that cuts are affecting you. As a pp says, write to MPs and Ministers and help towards lobbying for improvements.

But everyone can vote for whoever they want to.

ZombieApocalypse Sat 06-Jun-15 19:08:00

I don't ask who my family and friends voted for and I won't judge them for it. Everyone has different values and beliefs and it's up to them. Even DH and I didn't discuss who we were voting for until we had left the polling station though we did argue about it all the way to the train station. grin

If you're unhappy about cuts to your local services, you need to be vocal about it and get others to agree to mount a campaign. I sympathise, but resenting your relatives for voting Tory is not going to help you.

ChampagneBabyCakes Sat 06-Jun-15 19:08:40

Have you told your family how this has changed your life? What do they say? Are they aware that their choices have impacted on your DS's quality of life?

To be honest, I'd be more than cross with them. You sound like such a good hearted person talking about how this makes you feel sad, and how much you love them.

BarbarianMum Sat 06-Jun-15 19:10:03

The lamentable fact is, if you believe in democracy, then you have to open to the fact that people can vote for parties and policies you don't agree with.

pickledparsnip Sat 06-Jun-15 19:10:58

YANBU. Surely your family knew that disabled people suffer incredibly under tory government? Therefore, voting for them is even more upsetting as the cuts directly affect you. My sister is disabled and is very upset that some friends of hers have voted tory, despite knowing that she would suffer. Absolutely no excuse. Shameful behaviour.

FarFromAnyRoad Sat 06-Jun-15 19:11:43

Sorry things are shit for you right now but I'd seriously question whether Labour would have done anything differently because, you see, there's no money. Possibly Labour would have been able to remedy things in time having scraped together the money from somewhere else but they'd have been in the exact same position as the Tories and if they say otherwise they're fibbing.

Rainymellowjanuary Sat 06-Jun-15 19:13:06

They voted Tory, for goodness sake, its not as if they've murdered anyone or forced you to work as a drug mule. They're your family and they're allowed to have different opinions to you.
All this anti Tory stuff is getting very very tedious and I didn't even vote for them. Grow up.

ilovesooty Sat 06-Jun-15 19:16:52

Of course they could vote for who they want but I think I'd feel the same as you do.
Telling you to grow up shows a distinct lack of empathy in my opinion.

Littlefluffyclouds81 Sat 06-Jun-15 19:17:03

Hmmm. I also feel ragey towards people who voted Tory. But at the same time, the Tories did put on a good spin, and made people believe our economy was doomed if they weren't in power. A lot of people simply don't see the bigger picture, I think on the most part it's ignorance rather than actual selfishness.

I did recently dump my bf for being a Tory though

soapboxqueen Sat 06-Jun-15 19:18:19

I wouldn't necessarily resent people for how they voted. Though I would if they kept spouting rubbish at me no matter what their chosen party was. I love a good debate but some people are just obnoxious.

However, I do judge people on who they vote for. I think it says a lot about a person's values or lack there of. People absolutely have the right to vote for who they vote for but similarly I have the right to have an opinion on it. I may not share that opinion with them. They may choose not to listen to my opinion if offered. However my judgy pants are always washed, ironed and ready to go grin

ReallyNotMe Sat 06-Jun-15 19:24:19

I have a couple of friends who vote Tory and we always try to respect each other. I don't judge or resent them so in that respect I think YABU.

On the other hand I did feel annoyed with the one who emailed me to gloat after the result and told me 'not to worry as the Conservatives are the most family friendly party' - guess that depends on your family!

Livingtothefull Sat 06-Jun-15 19:24:29

Thanks everyone for responding. To answer some of your points:

I would never think that anyone who votes Tory must be a 'bad person'. I know my family members are good decent people. I know that how people vote is their own private business, I do not want to resent people for it. I am not proud of feeling the way I do.

I know voting is a private business and have never asked anyone who they voted for but some people have chosen to share their voting intentions with me. We are family so sometimes we discuss politics.

I called them wider family to distinguish them from 'immediate' family DH and DS) so didn't mean this to sound cold., it wasn't my intention.

There are arguments both ways as to whether cuts/austerity are a good or bad thing for the economy in the long term. I personally am very concerned about the way things are going in this country, with more wealth being concentrated in fewer and fewer hands whilst more and more food banks are opening us. And that isn't all self interest, in many respects DH and I are relatively fortunate.

I am very surprised to read that most people vote based on what best suits them; I vote based on what I think is good for the country as a whole, maybe that's just me but I don't think so.

Mehitabel6 Sat 06-Jun-15 19:25:04

I never understand why people are so narrow minded to expect all friends and family to vote the same.
It is for that reason that I never tell anyone who I vote for, and since I finally made up my mind on the day they can't possibly guess. (I told DH and my mother)

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