Friendship fading(50 Posts)
I was hoping you could give me some advice, especially new mums. I'm not a mum myself but six months ago my best friend had a beautiful baby girl. Me and my best friend were always really really close, so much so that we have each other's initials tattooed. She made me godmum. I organised her baby shower. I wept with joy the first time I saw her daughter, my godchild.
But now I feel like she no longer wants me in her life or is interested in my life at all. She never texts or calls me first. She barely replies to me and leaves it often a month at a time before she'll allow me to schedule seeing her. She never asks me about my life or what I'm doing, even when I am allowed to visit her. I started a new job this week and she didn't wish me good luck or ask me how it has gone, despite me texting her. I was supposed to see her today but when I text her to check she wasn't too busy she replied saying she had made other plans. I responded saying I would be free next Wednesday and to enjoy herself and she since hasn't replied even though she has been present on Facebook and Instagram. This is often the case. She will be online responding and interacting with other people. She is still on maternity leave and I see her daily on social media but she never responds to me. I try to tell myself she must be busy but how can she update her Facebook saying she wants cheese and not respond to me at the same time or instead? She frequently sees other friends, arranging play dates for the baby. I feel a bit like she isn't interested in me now because I don't have a child. I would be more than happy to come along too. It is really hurting me because not only am I losing my best friend who I adore but I'm missing out on seeing my godchild who means so much to me I want to burst. I don't want to think about missing out on her life. I had so many plans on how to teach her. How to make her a happy child.
Am I being unreasonable in feeling this way? Should I be more understanding and give her space? I feel as if I can't talk to her about this. I don't want to upset her over nothing. But I'm at breaking point. It makes me cry every time I think about this. She is now pregnant again and I really don't want to miss out on another wonderful baby and my best friend's happiness. What should I do?
Thank you for any help you can give
Could she perhaps be feeling that you're a little intense regarding your engagement with her baby? Perhaps you need to give her some space.
She's busy being a mum and a month really isn't very long...
Why don't you tell her you miss her company and would love to spend time with baby. Maybe now she is expecting you could be trusted to baby sit for a hour or so so she can rest
When yr first comes alone it can be all consuming but if your honest I hope!she will realise she has left you out.
I'm missing out on seeing my godchild who means so much to me I want to burst. I don't want to think about missing out on her life. I had so many plans on how to teach her. How to make her a happy child.
Honestly - the way you have worded this is oddly intense. I can't work out if it's just because you're keen to convey how important your friend and her daughter are to you, but it comes across as quite overbearing. It's not your job or your place to be responsible for teaching her or making her a happy child.
Motherhood is an intensely emotional time, particularly in the early months, and if she feels as though you are try to encroach on her role as the baby's mother by taking an unduly important role in her life, she may wish to keep her distance from you until she is ready to 'share' her daughter a little more.
I don't mean to be 'smug mum', but - trust me - you have NO IDEA how tired you are until you have a child. There were days in the early days when it was a miracle if I had a wee
YNBU, but having a child is HUGE and changes everything. You can't explain to someone who hasn't had a child how gorgeous they are. My DH and I used to spend hours talking about her knees! And you KNOW no one else wants to have that conversation.
And you do NOTHING, and you are EXHAUSTED.
Um...you kind of sound like a friend of mine, though I am still pregnant so know you're not actually her.
She's been really intense during my pregnancy and it's made me feel really uncomfortable. I've deliberately moved to keep her at arms length for this reason.
Your friend may have found you have been a bit the same?
It sounds like her priorities have changed. Having her best friends initials tattooed on her and seeing you daily is something she did in the past. Now she has a baby and a partner and she's pregnant and that is her life at the moment.
Perhaps she's not responding to you because she feels guilty. It is not kind of her to ignore you especially when you have started a new job and entered a new phase of your own life too.
If I were you I would concentrate on that for a while. Maybe making some new friends in the process.
Being a new parent is incredibly intense. It's easier to update a mindless text about cheese than it is to reply in a thoughtful way to a friend, particularly if you've left it a while and need to write something more solid.
She might want to make new friends with children the same age - I found that invaluable in knowing what I was doing, comparing baby things, where good nurseries were - really silly things but it was quite important to generate new friendships. I've kept older friendships too of course because they're equally valuable.
It would be good to speak with her and let her know you miss her - just try not to be too intense about it though.
I wanted everyone at arms length when I was pregnant and when DS was born, I couldn't make any headspace for anything intense or frequent. I just wanted to be left alone to figure things out.
I made friends at a baby group and this worked for me because it was all quite superficial - all on the surface with lots of suggestions to help me with the immediate baby issues I might have had. Engagement was minimal but I still felt like I was seeing people and not being isolated. The is how baby play dates work, it's easier than trying to fit back into your old life.
You sound intense, I distanced myself from a lot of my friends because they'd try to tell me they knew exactly how I felt, well meaning but entirely unhelpful. Until someone has a child they don't know and their reactions used to make me cringe. Also, anyone who was overbearing with my
DS used to make me cringe too. No one knew him really and being smothered was not for him, he liked to chill out in his pram or bouncer rather than be picked up and jiggled as one friend used to do persistently.
Its not you, it's her. Things will probably get back to normal eventually but having a baby does change people. It's not fair on you if you're investing a lot of time and emotion into the friendship so I think you need to have some time and distance. Try her again in a few weeks, things might improve with time and she starts to realise she has been neglecting you. It's not an excuse, once she seems more like herself then you need to question yourself (and maybe her) about why you've been neglected so badly.
I am like that with my friends.
I'm constantly busy with my 5 mo DD. I might not answer messages because I read them in the middle of flipping pancake on the pan and later forget to answer. When I'm breastfeeding her, I have my phone in my hand, but I am writing a status about something pointless because I've forgotten that they are expecting me to answer.
I don't want to meet up because my hair's a mess, house is a tip and I can't seem to work out what she should wear. And what should I wear(overhang since my CS in January, so struggling with hiding it).
Exactly what LadyCuntington said! If I don't answer immediately (rarely possible), a text goes right off my radar and I sometimes only remember days later, and then usually at a time I can't instantly reply, so it goes out my head again. Total exhaustion and being constantly distracted by someone who's crying or hungry or otherwise demanding play a big part in this.
I feel bad about it but that's the way things are and friends who understand that and have been willing to cut some slack are the ones I've remained good friends with. One of them (who'd had kids before me) put it this way - people generally accept you're allowed to be a bit crap for about the first year after having a baby. Try not to take it personally; likely as not she's not meaning it that way.
Having a baby is life changing, they become everything.. It's just biology. They take up all our headspace. This gradually lessens the older they become. And like others have said you do sound intense, like you are expecting too much.. Just give her space, she will feel like you are badgering her.
However! If you say she's always present on social media and replying to other friends, then maybe if is a bit rude not replying to you.. But try and keep it light and not always be trying to arrange meeting up.
My baby is 13 months and there are so many people I need to meet up with who still haven't met him , it's shameful but the days just go by in a blur, one day he's teething, next day we have loads to get done etc.
Another thing, I put on a lot of weight so I'm quite embarrassed to see old friends, which I know is daft.. But don't mind seeing other mums as they are in the same position and didn't know me thinner. Silly I know!
I don't think you are being unreasonable to be uspet about your friendship changing.
Yes you are busy when you've had a baby but making other plans and not telling you is rude. Especially as she only told you when you texted her first.
Do you have other friends you can spend time with to take your mind off this a bit?
To be honest, I grew out of the idea of best friends at 16 when both of mine left school. I think she's moving on and experiencing a new kind of intense attachment with the family she's created. I would hope she's not being intentionally offensive; it's just that her priorities have changed.
The baby is six months old!
Whilst I appreciate the mum probably won't have time to meet up or fit in visits (balderdash, actually) she can bloomin well find time to text if she wants to
For whatever reason OP, I'm sorry to say I think she is distancing herself.
Or she's rude.
let it go.
change is the nature of existence.
YANBU. The baby is 6 months' old. It would 'cost' your friend very little time to chat on the phone with/text/message you and ask how you are.
I appreciate what other posters have said about motherhood changing you but it shouldn't make you a thoughtless, sh!tty friend. I think you might have to accept that the nature of your friendship is changing. This is either because your friend has become so self-involved that there's no room for you or because she's wilfully trying to create space between you. It might be worth your while having a calm chat with her but then stepping back to see if she'll make an effort. In any case, if she never/rarely makes any steps towards you, then you'll know that your friendship (as you used to know it) no longer stands.
I know this will sound almost like I'm being sarcastic, but why not just ask her what's going on? I'm really close to my best friend, I'm a mum but she isn't. In the early months we didn't keep in very close contact because I was finding it really tough. She just called one night and asked what was happening. Cue big teary chat and her helping me with my PND. I'm not saying that's what's happining with your friend but if you're close, there's nothing wrong with talking to her surely.
Tbh I think she's distancing herself from you but hasn't the balls to tell you.
She is being rather cruel IMO, she isn't returning messages but knows you can see her interacting with others on FB and cancelling plans at very short notice today with a very vague excuse, is bloody rude.
I'd tell her you're getting the impression she doesn't wish to see you and see what she says.
And I've had two babies so I know what the early stages are like.
Having a baby is not an excuse for rudeness.
The only thing I can think of from your OP is that she doesn't appreciate all your plans for her baby. Or it could be any of a hundred other things.
Try pulling back for a while. Or just sit her down and ask why she is distancing herself.
It happens, my friend had children and because her life changed so much from mine we started to drift away. She made friends with people who had children the same age and who could understand what her life was like.
Unfortunately you're not a priority in her life and whilst it's not nice she probably isn't doing it on purpose.
I'd seconds what others have said though, you sound very intense about her baby. While it's nice that you are interested its not your place to make sure she is happy, that's why she has parents.
Back off a bit, tell her your there if she needs you or wants to get together then stop texting and let her decide.
Do you say things to your friend like you love her daughter "so much you could burst" and you have "so many things you want to teach her"?
Because if you do, I think there's your clue. If a schoolfriend of mine was saying things like that about my DS I would feel overwhelmed and stifled by it and also more than a little freaked out.
Honestly, you need a good, frank, conversation to get to the bottom of this.
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