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To ask those of you who have cut off your families/have in the past.

(72 Posts)
sherbetlemonD Fri 05-Jun-15 21:21:43

If you regret it? Did you change your mind when you had your own children?

hiddenhome Fri 05-Jun-15 21:26:29

Nope, not at all. People don't change and it's not worth trying to have a relationship if people are being destructive and negative. Just leave them to it.

The mother and brother that I'd like to have in my life don't exist. They never did. They're just random people that I happen to share genes with.

lunar1 Fri 05-Jun-15 21:30:10

I cut off my dad at 17, haven't had a big rain or night terror since and I'm 34 now. It was right for me.

DoJo Fri 05-Jun-15 21:35:41

No - don't regret it at all and even less so since I had my son. The idea of anyone upsetting him the way my dad upset me is enough to convince me, but also the idea that someone so ill-deserving should get to be a part of his life makes be sure I made the right decision.

StillaChocoholic Fri 05-Jun-15 21:36:12

Nope, don't regret it.
My life is better not having my dad in it and my child doesn't even know of his existence.

VixxFace Fri 05-Jun-15 21:42:28

I cut off my mum a few years ago. I don't regret it as I have less drama and stress. I don't have any dc yet so not sure how I'd feel or of I'd tell her.

storybrooke Fri 05-Jun-15 21:42:34

I disagree. It depends on who they are as a person and the reason for cutting ties. I cut ties with my sisters, they took the mick royally for years, generally how they did my parents before they moved away (nothing to do with me or sisters) and one day it exploded and we didn't speak for a year.

Then I got pregnant and realised my babies deserved the chance to know them and love them like I always did so I got in touch and we made up. They adore the kids and I have my sisters back and we're close without the pain and hassle that split us up in the first place. We've grown and put the past in the past and I'm really thankful we did.

Sometimes a break is good, it doesn't have to mean forever. Thats just my experience though, there are a few people I know who I totally understand why they cut x person off and why they'll never reunite.

What I'm getting at is there are varying degrees and you have to decide what you can forgive or work though potentially. smile

Dionysuss Fri 05-Jun-15 21:44:15

I've been nc with my mother for nearly 10 years. My dc are not missing out on any relationship with her. I do feel sad that they don't have another nan. But they are loved and adored by the family they do know.

littlejohnnydory Fri 05-Jun-15 21:44:43

I wish I had cut my family off before I had children. My children know and love them now and it makes it harder. I suppose I hoped that my having children would give me and my mum a "second chance" and deep down I still wanted her approval. They screwed me over more thoroughly than I thought possible and if I had known then what I know now I would have walked away without a doubt. I'm happier when I don't see my mum and she is the only member of the family I really have any contact with. If she died I'd never see any of them again. ironically, the whole mess is more her fault than anybody else's, she's just been more persistent in keeping contact. I don't think I'll see her either once the children are old enough to maintain their own relationship with her if they want to. I wouldn't want them to be able to fault my behaviour when they grow up, or to feel that I kept them from knowing their family. if the family damaged them I would think differently.

I do regret not having a relationship with my sister but it's her choice. I regret that I won't know her children because it could have been so brilliant bringing up our children together. But it's too late and the relationship is too damaged thanks to other people in the family. Even if I made contact and by some fluke she wanted to re-establish contact, I'd still know what she thinks of me and it wouldn't be real.

Some things just aren't resolvable, I think and you can't control other people's behaviour. I could do anything in the world from my side but experience has shown me that they will keep on behaving in the same way.

Amserhaf Fri 05-Jun-15 21:54:40

No I didn't regret it. They were hurtful and treated me badly and knocked my self esteem. I didn't want that for my children . I didn't want them to grow up being ridiculed and emotionally abused. I wasn't going to let that happen to my babies. It was having them that made me realise that children should be loved properly and nutured and cared for in every way. It showed me how bad my childhood had been.

LaLyra Fri 05-Jun-15 21:57:13

No, I don't regret it. If anything it reinforced my feelings about it all because my children deserve better than having toxic, nasty people like my parents in their lives. I always wondered if I'd understand them more if I had children, if I'd understand the struggle that made them snap, but I understand them less than ever. The children are missing nothing from their lives by not having them in it.

Aermingers Fri 05-Jun-15 21:57:40

I had a mutual NC phase with my mother for about 4 years before I had my son.

It ended up being quite positive. We both broke out of a destructive cycle of behaviour. After I had my son we restarted our relationship. It was on a new footing and both of us were different. We have a really positive relationship now and she is a fab Gran.

It was distressing at the time, but it got us out of a vicious circle of blame and recrimination and shed a lot of baggage.

Sometimes being NC for a bit can let absence make the heart grow fonder...

MummaV Fri 05-Jun-15 22:00:45

I dont regret it at all. I have been NC with my dad for around 5 years now and have recently had DD.

My dad screwed up my life from the age of 3 and I gave him so many chances to make it right and change. I finally realised at 20 that he was just toxic and would never change. My DD doesn't need such a destructive and selfish person in her life.

My sister is still in contact with our dad and recently told him he had become a grandparent (against my wishes, he lives abroad now so why should he know anything) and his response was 'I couldn't give a flying fuck'.

Me and DD are better off without him.

nancy75 Fri 05-Jun-15 22:02:36

We don't speak to DP's dad, we cut ties after dd was born. Dp had years of his dad being in and out of his life and making him feel like shit - we decided that we didn't want him to be able to make dd feel bad when she is older so cut contact before she was old enough to have any memories of him. it has been 5 years now and it has been a positive thing for dp

LuluJakey1 Fri 05-Jun-15 22:04:33

I cut out a cousin the same age as me who I grew up with next door to me.

I got sick of her sly undermining of me, of her making cheap little jibes and always pressuring me to do what she wanted.

Before I met DH, when I was at a really low ebb after a terrible relationship, she was so smug about her life in comparison to mine. The final straw was when she related to me a conversation she had supposedly had with her husband about a 'friend' (unnamed) who was single 'again' at 29 (my age at the time) after an awful relationship. She said ' And I said to him, 'Poor pathetic thing. She's got no one who cares about her. She is going to end up an old maid. Women who aren't married must have awful lives. I can't imagine not being happily married.' He agreed with me. We just don't know what people who aren't do to fill their time'.

I acted as if she had not said it and have had no contact with her since- almost 7 years ago. I put any cards in the bin, ignored phone calls, refused 'signed for' letters she sent me and have never explained myself. She was not invited to our wedding and knows nothing about DS. She does know about DH because my mum told her mum. My mum died before I was pregnant with DS so they probably don't know.

I never think about her and am much happier not doing so. smile Just don't need the constant crap.

MammaTJ Fri 05-Jun-15 22:06:50

I cut off my Dad when DD1 was 8. My ExH left me shortly after, then I met DP and had DD2 and DS. He knows nothing of all this. I am now doing a nursing degree. DD1 is married.

His DSis knows as we are close but she would never tell him all this, she does not even tell him we are in touch!

He was useless, did not make much effort to keep in touch, it was me doing all the running. When his mum died, my DNanna, he did not tell me until I rang him. This was after the funeral! That was it for me.

My auntie kept telling him he should let me know, but he shrugged it off!

No regrets by not keeping in touch! Not at all.

Meerka Fri 05-Jun-15 22:40:15

I went NC with a very close female relative for 5 years. Absolutely without doubt the right reason. We re-established a shallow relationship after that time because she had enough of love left in her to still care, and she managed to rein in her (medically assessed) severe personality disorders enough to be endurable for an hour or two. I would not and did not leave my child alone with her for a second.

Have gone virtually NC with my father. I am very sad about it but I don't need his authoritarian and callous shit. I don't use those adjectives lightly. He's useless as a grandparent.

Have also gone NC with a sister until I receive an apology for 6 months of abusive emails (I did check with a neutral and very honest friend who I can trust to tell me when I am wrong that I wasn't misreading or overreacting to the many mails). She's not a child sort of person so it's not a problem for the children.

None of the people I've gone NC with were good for me and they would not have been good for the children so no, no regrets. Or at least, a hell of a lot of regret that it was necessary and that they aren't loving people. I'd give anything for loving parents and I'd rather like the sister to be a nice aunt. But with things being as they are, well, life is too short and your children are far too precious to be exposed to highly unpleasant people.

The kids will come across enough bastards who go through life hurting others when they are grown, they don't need them at close quarters when they are young and vulnerable.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Fri 05-Jun-15 22:49:29

I have nothing at all to do with my brother. It's quite liberating not being blamed for his inadequate life. Myself, my ex and our children have nothing to do with his mother, there just weren't enough weeks in the year for all her drama and demands.

I don't have any issues with the non-contact. My children haven't ever known either person so I doubt they're suffering major trauma either.

Yay4may Fri 05-Jun-15 22:51:18

What Dionysuss said - I could have typed the same word for word!

DragonsCanHop Fri 05-Jun-15 22:56:07

I'm nc with my mum and dad (they are separated) for a few years now.

No regret, less stress and drama.

silverglitterpisser Fri 05-Jun-15 22:56:09

Cut out a parent 15 yrs ago, no regrets. They would not have been a great influence around my dc either so nothing to miss on that score. I do wonder how they r from time to time but in an idly curious way, not a heartbroken, pining way.

ollieplimsoles Fri 05-Jun-15 22:58:48

Me and my dad are not NC, I cant bring myself to cut him out completely. He lives abroad and he makes life very stressful when he does come over.

He's a very complicated person, he has issues with mental health and suffers from depression. However he is still the most selfish, thoughtless person I know. Sometimes I think he doesn't realise what he's doing, other times I think he just doesn't care who he hurts.

He has hurt me a lot in the past and his behaviour has been the focus of many counselling sessions I had growing up.

But for some reason I cant just cut him out. He is very good at making people feel guilty.

CatsCantTwerk Fri 05-Jun-15 22:59:52

No regrets at all, I live 200 miles away and do my best to avoid any contact at all with any of them. Best thing I ever done for me and my dc.

nickdrakeslovechild Fri 05-Jun-15 23:00:27

2 words. Fuck No. The best thing i have done so far.

Szeli Fri 05-Jun-15 23:01:56

I gave my bio dad another chance just before I fell pregnant - he continued to act like a fool so my DS isn't aware of him and I have blocked all forms of contact now mainly for the sake of my son.
I could put up with the bullshit and heartache for the sake of family relations but I couldn't put my son thru it. Becoming a parent made me realise just how much of a wanker my dad is, I'd never quite grasped it before and nobody will ever treat my dc in that way if i can help it!

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