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AIBU to plan one night away for my birthday?

(40 Posts)
AuntOlive Fri 05-Jun-15 11:56:06

AIBU to plan one night away for my birthday to leave DP looking after 1 x DC?

It would be for my birthday and I would love to go to London to look around some art galleries & museums. (OK, maybe a bit of shopping too.)

DP is not into that sort of thing, he will get bored and grumpy. DC would also get bored and has said he doesn’t want to come with me.

We are all going to London again together later on this year to take DC around the stuff he is interested in.

DP would kick up a horrendous stink if I told him I also wanted to go away before this, on my own.

His arguments to me would be:
(a)“you (we) can’t afford it” – well actually I can - I have been saving up and we don’t appear to have gone hungry in the meantime;

(b) “you are selfish / why do you want to go away on your own?!” – because I like some personal space to recharge my batteries and not listen to juvenile chatter or you being miserable which I do without much complaint for the other 354 days per year;

(c) “Why can’t I come with you”; - I would prefer to be alone – mainly because I can’t afford to pay for you (and you would not want to pay for yourself) and you are not really interested anyway, also who then would look after DC?

It might sound like we have an odd relationship (maybe we do?) but I do value a little bit of time alone / away from DP and DC.

I also would not stop him if he wanted to do the same thing – i.e. have a night away.


butterfly133 Fri 05-Jun-15 12:00:29

YANBU. One night/day away for your birthday is asking for...well, nothing really. Of course you should have that! I hope you have a lovely lovely time.

TheOriginalWinkly Fri 05-Jun-15 12:02:47

Is DP your child's father? Does he ever spend the night away? Is he always a miserable controlling sod? YANBU.

AuntOlive Fri 05-Jun-15 12:03:36

Original - yes is father. He has spent the night away and he didn't even ask

IHaveBrilloHair Fri 05-Jun-15 12:03:41

Sod that, go!

TheOriginalWinkly Fri 05-Jun-15 12:08:36

I knew it would be Yes and Yes. Of course you should go. But is he always a miserable controlling sod?

AuntOlive Fri 05-Jun-15 12:12:22

Pretty much Winkly. I've learned to accept it and wine helps.

We are having relate counselling (which, surprise surprise, he complained about and said we couldn't afford), and he is marginally better for about 2 days after each session.

He did get funny with me this morning though when I borrowed some of his parking change from the car to repay a small debt. [resigned emoticon]

AuntOlive Fri 05-Jun-15 14:59:59

Any more votes before I announce my plans to DP..?

SocialMediaAddict Fri 05-Jun-15 15:16:57

He sounds awful.

I'd leave permanently.

halcyondays Fri 05-Jun-15 15:53:49

Yanbu. Can you just tell him you are planning to go away for the night for your birthday? If he has gone away himself, he can hardly complain if you do the same.

SewingAndCakes Fri 05-Jun-15 15:58:25

God no YANBU! Tell him you're going, don't ask. And enjoy your birthday.

He should be encouraging you to go and have fun too by the way.

goodnessgraciousgouda Fri 05-Jun-15 15:58:43

I wouldn't plan on asking. I would just tell him that you will be away on that day/night as yo have plans.

If he kicks up a stink, then just remind him of the times he has done exactly the same thing without even telling you first.

Frankly it's pretty dire that you even have to ask in AIBU whether it's acceptable for you to go out on your own for one day/night.....

butterfly133 Fri 05-Jun-15 16:07:39

I would also just tell him. And I know this wasn't your question, but a partner who is so awful that you survive by wine ...maybe you should make it a whole weekend and do some careful thinking.

AuntOlive Fri 05-Jun-15 16:26:53

Haha - the thougbt of 'just telling him'.... Maybe I should email him a link to this thread after he's told me what an unreasonable cow I am grin

butterfly133 Fri 05-Jun-15 16:32:34

^ why, what happens if you just tell him? I thought you said he went away without asking you if it was okay?

AuntOlive Fri 05-Jun-15 16:36:32

He did butterfly, but would get really upset if I did the same thing.

Also, I am not so irresponsible as to just bugger off without telling anyone.

I know people have said to me in the past 'LTB' but I don't want to ATM for several reasons. I just put up with it, and it's copeable with most of the time.

Bit of a wake up call to read responses on here though, as if I should never have doubted my reasonable-ness!

NerrSnerr Fri 05-Jun-15 16:37:46

Just remember your child is watching and learning from your relationship.

AuntOlive Fri 05-Jun-15 16:39:58

My child needs his money though NerrSnerr, that's the problem.

tabulahrasa Fri 05-Jun-15 16:49:54

Actually, I'd be really upset if my DP wanted to go on a trip away by themselves rather than with me.

It'd be different if it was a trip with a friend, but just, actually I'd rather be alone than go with you is a bit unreasonable.

MomOfTwoGirls2 Fri 05-Jun-15 16:51:24


GatoradeMeBitch Fri 05-Jun-15 16:52:01

Then presumably tabula you wouldn't do that yourself? I think the double standards are part of what is bothering the OP (plus the fact that she is married to a tosspot...)

butterfly133 Fri 05-Jun-15 17:01:29

AuntOlive, I wouldn't suggest that you go without telling him. I would say that you could tell him "I'm going to take a trip away, just like you did". He could try walking out and jeopardising it but given that you are in counselling.... You say your child needs the money but DP would have to pay maintenance. I am sure you have thought about all of these things but all I can say is, a bad relationship isn't going to get any better with you drinking to cope with it. Unless you were actually on the bread line - you've said you aren't - there have got to be better ways to live.

In fact, what you want is so perfectly reasonable - a day for yourself - that I wonder if you posted because you wanted people to nudge you into thinking about this a bit more?

btw I hear the Wartime Fashion Exhibition at the Imperial War Museum is very good. I tend to be at the National Gallery a lot though. That place is like therapy.

tabulahrasa Fri 05-Jun-15 17:03:18

Gatorade - no, I wouldn't.

I get that the OP isn't in a great relationship, but, I don't think that being tosspotty back will do anything other than make it all worse...IMO, anyway.

Loric Fri 05-Jun-15 17:07:58

If you have a counselling session before hand could you bring it up there? Or the two days afterwards while it's still better?

halcyondays Fri 05-Jun-15 17:21:58

Some people like spending time by themselves, I can't see why it should make any difference to the op's dh whether she wanted to go alone or with a friend.

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