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I'm really not BU, am I?

(34 Posts)
SquigglyLine Fri 05-Jun-15 08:55:07

I have a part-time nanny, who works for another family I know for the other part of the week. It's not a nanny-share, we each employ her separately, I have the nanny for Mon - Wed and she has Thu and Fri. I just happen to know the other family as our DDs go to the same pre-school.

The other family like to take the nanny on holiday with them for a couple of weeks in the summer. They can only do this by swapping days with me, obviously (so they have her for 2 full weeks and then I have her for extra days in other weeks). In March, I gave them a list of dates that I could swap, and said that as time went by, this could change (i.e. if you don't choose early, then particular dates might not be available any more).

Mum has just come back to me today, and wants a week that I originally said was fine, but isn't any more. In fact, I have very little availability to swap any days any more, as I work on the nanny days, and it's too late for me to change things around without inconveniencing other people. Also, i have holiday clubs booked and plans to do things with DC and family/friends for a lot of the other days, so having our nanny on any of those days would be a waste of time now.

We had the same problem last year, and I ended up inconveniencing myself quite a bit, having to work at night to make up missed hours, and feeling annoyed with myself for letting it happen. That's why I gave them dates so early this year.

AIBU to say no swap? I feel really mean, and I know the other mum will think I'm being unreasonable, as the summer is so long, but it is just fully organised now!

WoonerismSpit Fri 05-Jun-15 08:57:07

But you didn't tell her as soon as that week was unavailable? You should have told her that it had changed.

YABU I'm afraid.

AnyoneForTennis Fri 05-Jun-15 08:58:39

You should have given her a deadline. Say first of May or something, partly your fault for being to vague over dates possibly being/not being,available

SquigglyLine Fri 05-Jun-15 08:59:04

No. I said that those dates would be available for a couple of weeks, but after that I would carry on making plans. I said that, because last year I didn't, and felt that I had to keep the commitment even though she took 3 months to get back to me

It would be insane to spend 3 months contacting her every time I make an arrangement for the summer. She's not my employer, this is a favour.

SquigglyLine Fri 05-Jun-15 09:01:07

Re: 1st May deadline - do you really think I should put all my plans on hold for 6 weeks (between beginning of March and 1st May) in order to do someone else a favour that inconveniences me? I thought that a couple of weeks was kind/helpful.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Fri 05-Jun-15 09:01:33

YANBU. You don't have to swap dates at all, so to do so would be doing a favour. You reorganised your life around her last year. Then you gave her your free dates way back in March, telling her that those dates could change as time went by. She shouldn't have left it so late I'm afraid.

MarbulousMarvin Fri 05-Jun-15 09:02:04

Yanbu you gave her a list of dates and said that's what availability I have at the moment. Instead of being pro-active and booking there and then she chose to wait, therefore she should have checked with you before she booked to make sure things were still the same. Quite a self-centred outlook of hers to expect you to put making plans on hold whilst you wait for her. Tell her your sorry but as she hasn't come back to you with dates you've made other plans so can't accommodate her wishes.

CaTsMaMmA Fri 05-Jun-15 09:03:17

unless you update the list then she is going to assume the one you gave her is the final copy

YAbothBU....her for hanging about since March and you for not updating her, imo.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Fri 05-Jun-15 09:05:48

Crossed post. YAB even less U if you told her those dates would only be available for a couple of weeks but after that you would carry on making plans. And as you say you should not be expected to keep her informed every time your diary changes; it's up to her to check with you. You've already done her a favour putting plans on hold for 2 weeks to enable her to organise herself, and it's her fault for not organising something earlier.

The5DayChicken Fri 05-Jun-15 09:05:55

OP, if it's not a nanny share, why are you dealing with the other family at all? Your discussions should really be with your employee, not their other employer.

SquigglyLine Fri 05-Jun-15 09:06:52

Why would she assume that Ca? The list said on it that the dates were only valid for a couple of weeks and could change after that. Three months have gone past since then. She could have asked me to update the list when she was ready to book (although tbh, it's already too late as there isn't 2 clear weeks I can manage without working now, other than our own holiday, and she doesn't want those 2 weeks).

I think next year, I won't do any list at all. I was just trying to help them out.

kissedbyamoonbeammyarse Fri 05-Jun-15 09:06:59

Surely she is checking with you first to make sure it's still ok. Saying something along the lines Marbulous has written would be fine.

morelikeguidelines Fri 05-Jun-15 09:07:44

I think yanbu but it will probably be hard to make her see it that way! Did you tell her by text or orally?

SquigglyLine Fri 05-Jun-15 09:09:53

The 5day - yes, good point, really. I gave the list to my nanny to pass on to the other mum (my nanny asked me to do this). I wrote the bit about dates only being valid for a couple of weeks on the list. But I see the other mum most days at pre-school drop-off, so spoke to her as well to check she'd got it. I didn't keep asking her about it after that though, it hasn't been mentioned at all, and I am usually in a hurry at drop-off so don't linger chatting.

TwerkingSpinster Fri 05-Jun-15 09:10:49

Op, why are you even giving her dates!? She should be asking, with proposed dates herself as early as possible!! You have given yourself 'second class family' status by attempting to enable her holiday as if it were your problem to solve. Stop it! And say no. I'd even tell her sher is a bit 'bad at this organisation stuff' with an airy laugh.

SquigglyLine Fri 05-Jun-15 09:12:22

She came back to me via my nanny today (nanny did pre-school drop off for her and gave me the message then). I said to nanny that i'd have to look at my calendar, which I've just done and it's not going to be possible. I could wait till Monday to tell my nanny this, but think it would be better to let other mum know now - will have to ring her later, but I think it's going to be an awkward conversation.

SquigglyLine Fri 05-Jun-15 09:13:09

Twerk, you are right - it's not my problem and I shouldn't make it my problem, let alone be bothered about it!

PrimalLass Fri 05-Jun-15 09:14:36

I guess your nanny could now choose to take her annual leave on those days anyway?

Although I'm struggling to get over taking a nanny on holiday anyway.

Angria Fri 05-Jun-15 09:15:05

YANBU, you gave her the dates back in March and she waits until June to decide what weeks she wants.

As you said this is a favour. I would point out to her that this happened last year and caused you considerable problems, you cannot accommodate it this year.

petalunicorn Fri 05-Jun-15 09:15:18

The whole arrangement is strange, your nanny should be sorting it out. If she wants to take leave from you (which is effectively what this is), paid or unpaid she should be arranging it. I would leave the ball in Nanny's court, perhaps she can join them for some of the time and travel back for her work with you.

morelikeguidelines Fri 05-Jun-15 09:17:06

Yes I am struggling with need to take a nanny on holiday too!

SquigglyLine Fri 05-Jun-15 09:19:43

I don't think my nanny really wants to do it. She has her own holiday booked for later in the year.

But yes, it's all got a bit silly. I will have to put my foot down about next year. I really need 3 months notice to sort out work plans etc. and in nanny contract it has a 3 month notice period on either side for booking holiday. The other family is much more fluid, but I shouldn't have let the fact I know them make it more informal.

ApeMan Fri 05-Jun-15 09:22:56

^ In my experience it is not generally up to the nanny when families share one, which is good as direct communication avoids awkwardness for the nanny who is after all not being paid for the skill set (or indeed being paid enough) to be doing that.

Anyway OP, YANBU

This is a simple situation, you contact her at the earliest possible time you can and explain that you have had to go ahead and make plans, she will just have to understand. You waited for a few months but there is pressure on you to provide summer fun for your lot as well.

MarbulousMarvin Fri 05-Jun-15 09:24:21

I'd put my foot down this year-start as you mean to go on. Just tell your nanny that you can't accommodate those dates and that last year you had to put yourself out considerably and you don't wish to do that this year or any other for that matter. Tell her in furure you won't be trying to accommodate the other families needs in this way therefore you don't expect to be asked to provide your availability to them. The onus is on the nanny to sort her availability by booking holiday time with you or not and that the nanny and her leave is the only thing you will deal with from now on.

PrimalLass Fri 05-Jun-15 09:30:24

I don't think my nanny really wants to do it. She has her own holiday booked for later in the year.

Then just do her a favour and say no grin

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