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to be so angry with brother

(238 Posts)
fedupcarer Thu 04-Jun-15 21:11:05

My dad has dementia and I have looked after him for years. My brother did not help. Despite being single with no children. Indeed going travelling just as my dad got bad. Leaving me with a young family needing to stay the night at my dad's house.

Anyway dad is now really bad and I have after loads and loads of meetings and work manged to get a 24hour care package for him in his own home. But I have been told the funding for it will be reviewed monthly. It was really, really hard to get this funding.

My brother has now decided to come home from his travels and move in with my dad as an additional carer. At first he didn't make his intentions clear so I thought he was just staying for a while, so was glad of the support. He has now said he is staying permanently.

My brother is unreliable, he could not be left to care for my dad without a carer. He is helping with dad at the moment but it is all on his terms - taking him out for walks and sitting in the sun in the garden with him. He is not doing the hard graft of personal care and nights.

He expects to live at my dad's with all bills paid and just wont listen to my concerns about loosing the care package. He has no intention of getting a job, he even suggested he is given £100 a week as payment.

I am so upset and angry and know why dad would be disgusted at my brother choosing not to work if he had capacity.

I have power of attorney for my dad but really dont want it come to me having evict him - but I am terrified dad will loose the funding (if it appears he has a family member doing the caring) and I know from the past that my brother will bugger of leaving me to pick up the pieces if he had to look after dad alone.

Any thoughts?

FenellaFellorick Thu 04-Jun-15 21:15:15

If your dad risks losing the funding then you have to evict your brother. You can't risk leaving your dad without the care he needs.

It sounds like your brother just wants somewhere to live for free. It seems like you may have to be very firm with him that that just cannot happen.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Thu 04-Jun-15 21:18:21

Ooh. Tricky one.
I agree, the funding could be at risk with an extra "carer" living with your dad.
I would have a chat with the CAB. They are trained in this kind of thing.

BullshitS70 Thu 04-Jun-15 21:18:39

Agree with Fenella. Get him out of your dads home or you will lose the funding. Surely he cant be that selfish that he is prepared to sit and watch that happen?

Haffdonga Thu 04-Jun-15 21:21:11

Is he prepared to take on full time care of your dad if the care package goes?

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 04-Jun-15 21:28:11

Are you still doing active caring? If so, I think that you need to get a d&v bug tonight (we have one in our house you can borrow!) and phone your brother with a list of instructions. With luck he'll be in Peru by Monday.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 04-Jun-15 21:29:29

Seriously though - you need to lay it on the line that if he stays the money goes so he either needs to move out or get good at cleaning up bodily fluids.

fedupcarer Thu 04-Jun-15 21:29:35

Thanks for the replies. His response when I explained the funding is based on him living alone, was that I could sack the carers he will do it better as he 'loves' my dad. I know he wouldnt beside the fact my dad does not sleep so even he was reliable it would be impossible for one person.

I have explained until I am blue in the face that he would be better visiting my dad and spending quality time with him but he is determined he is staying.

StrangeGlue Thu 04-Jun-15 21:30:46

If you just said 'great I don't need to be over for the next 24/48 hours' would he leave your dad to suffer or would he do it? If the latter I'd stop doing anything for a few days and see if he rises to the challenge/announces he's off. If the former you need to evict him.

ahbollocks Thu 04-Jun-15 21:33:22

Bit cynical of me but I suspect he has moved in to gain himself a residence intended for long after you dad leaves.

ahbollocks Thu 04-Jun-15 21:34:08

Deffo evict him

Fluffcake Thu 04-Jun-15 21:34:43

What a cheek your dB has.
Your dad's needs should come first. Is your dad's social worker aware of your brother living with him and how flakey he is?
Is it worth looking at residential care for your df? I understand why you want to keep him at home but maybe better for continuity if your db's behaviour risks his funding.

ChuffinAda Thu 04-Jun-15 21:35:16

He's on dodgy ground there. Your father's care will be compromised.

Speak to your father's social worker about your concerns

Irishlassie Thu 04-Jun-15 21:35:46

I think you should do what mumofyoungkids suggest. I would disappear for a few days And leave him with all the responsibility. Take care of yourself

fedupcarer Thu 04-Jun-15 21:36:11

Iam no longer doing the hands on caring. My brother is living in the house with 2 live in carers. A night shift and a day shift. The carers also do all the household chores in the house. So brother is saying if we loose the care as he is a carer that is ok as he can do it. He is delusional.

Haffdonga Thu 04-Jun-15 21:38:59

Ok, so devil's advocate here, but wouldn't it be better for your dad if your brother did take over the full time care of your dad?

I imagine your dad would like that and your brother will find out that it's incredibly hard work but at least have taken on a bit of the responsibility. (But if he's not planning to work then he'll have a shock in store as a full time carer.)

amothersplaceisinthewrong Thu 04-Jun-15 21:40:17

Evict your Brother. If you lose the funding your brother will expect you to do all the caring whilst he sits in residence waiting for the day for the house to be his alone.

Make it clear to your brother that if he really wants to be your Dad's carer, then he is on his own - you did you bit by working so hard to get the professional care your Dad needs. Has he actually done any cleaning of bodily fluids yet.....

fedupcarer Thu 04-Jun-15 21:42:20

No residential care is not an option at the moment. I have tried it and dad was unmanageable, head butting cares, throwing walking frames in his efforts to get home. He is much calmer at home but it still has a good few hours of sundowning agitation - that is really intense and hard work to deal with.

I am nervous about telling the social worker as presumably part of her job will be reduce the spending. Unless you know my brother as his history of unreliability, he could come across as a plausible and cheaper option than the full care package.

fedupcarer Thu 04-Jun-15 21:43:47

No cleaning of fluids - my dad is still continent in the day and the carers deal with night time accidents.

ChuffinAda Thu 04-Jun-15 21:50:18

Her job is primarily to ensure your father is safe. Your father will not be safe with inadequate care. She needs to know.

Jux Thu 04-Jun-15 21:51:47

It would be tempting to give the carers a 'holiday' so your brother can see what it's like actually doing it. Would he last a week?

JustHavinABreak Thu 04-Jun-15 21:58:15

Think ah bollocks may be on to something. How about speaking to the carers about "training" your brother in the care required? Once he realises that it's not all about sitting in the garden watching the sun go down, he may change his mind. Perhaps you could also start mentioning to him about how your Dad plans to leave everything to the local dog and cats home? hmm

fedupcarer Thu 04-Jun-15 21:58:26

Thanks chuffin ada. I will speak with social worker again. I have already told her that brother is unreliable before(my dad in a lucid moment also chipped in to support this opinion). However her boss at the meeting about the care kept asking if family member could do more and all sorts of questions about what my brother was doing. How long staying etc.

ChuffinAda Thu 04-Jun-15 22:02:38

I think funding cuts mean they're pushing more for families to support themselves (not necessarily a bad thing) but they need to be told when family support is not possible, untenable or down right dangerous.

I think the idea of the carers training him is inspired!

fedupcarer Thu 04-Jun-15 22:11:01

My brother actually told me today that he manages the carers. Tells them what to do etc. My brother is a know it all. He actually thinks he doing the job now.

A year ago I went on holiday for a week and asked my brother to take my dad's tablets up to him each day. He mostly did not bother. When he gave me the tablets back and I noticed how few had gone, I asked my brother why he had not given them to dad. The reason given was that the tablets do no work and I did not understand the human body. My brother has no medical training but thinks he knows everything.

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