Inviting whole class but one child.

(453 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder Thu 04-Jun-15 12:29:47

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive hmm, and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

HippoPottyMouth Thu 04-Jun-15 12:33:48

I wouldn't invite frank, especially as your DS had such a rotten time at his house so it doesn't sound like his parents are very nice either.
Can you give the invites out subtly so that it's not obvious that it's only Frank who is not invited?

LeChien Thu 04-Jun-15 12:33:53

I don't think you can leave 1 child out, but you could recruit family and friends to closely watch Frank and make sure that your ds can enjoy his party.

Newlywed2013 Thu 04-Jun-15 12:34:16

You can't leave him out but you will be there, if he starts bullying ds call his parents to come and collect him as soon as it starts

Marcipex Thu 04-Jun-15 12:35:38

Either you need a lot of adults on FrankPatrol, or you don't invite him.
I'd go for the team of adults, ready to spring, if at all possible.
But if you can't do that, don't have your party ruined.

DawnOfTheDoggers Thu 04-Jun-15 12:38:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slippersmum Thu 04-Jun-15 12:41:28

I only invited friends to my dcs parties, which in the past we have left out about 5 from the whole class. Some people did make comments (mainly my friends making fun of how cruel I was being) but I don't spend time with people who I don't like so why should my dcs. But I would say just one is making me cringe, if anything I would say knock a few more off the list!! Your ds won't be friends with the whole class I guess. Oh these parties area minefield! Think planning a wedding is less stressful! There are so many threads from parents whos children are not invited. Give us the date of the party and we will watch out for the post from Franks Mum 'my son was the only one not invited to the party', then we can all say how mean you are!! wink x

OstentatiousBreastfeeder Thu 04-Jun-15 12:41:48

The thing is DS is very adamant that he does not want him there. To the point where I think he may actually be a bit scared of him, and it's no wonder.

I'm torn between not wanting to look like a heartless bellend and thinking fuck it, it's his birthday.

KERALA1 Thu 04-Jun-15 12:41:55

Dont invite him. No brainer.

HoggleHoggle Thu 04-Jun-15 12:42:13

I also think you need to invite him unfortunately, although he sounds a horror and I can imagine how your heart must have broken when you saw poor ds waiting for you.

Can you say to ds that it's kinder to invite everyone as he wouldn't like to be left out himself, but assure him you will keep an eye on him and if Frank does anything to him or anyone else, you will ring his parents immediately to collect him?

It's a difficult situation for you to be in but you also don't want it to seem as though it's your ds who is excluding people when actually he's the poor thing who has been treated badly.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 04-Jun-15 12:42:36

You cannot leave out 1 child of a whole class party, it is very mean, nor do you have to invite Frank to ds party either. I would either have a smaller party, with a few of ds friends, or invite the whole class, and ask Franks mother to stay.

TranmereRover Thu 04-Jun-15 12:43:24

invite him but tell his mother she needs to stay and supervise him

SumThucker Thu 04-Jun-15 12:43:52

I think it's pretty mean to exclude just one, yet invite all others.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Thu 04-Jun-15 12:44:50

I wouldn't. Even if the child is Hitler re-incarnated, I'd be morto, cos you know it will be noticed by everyone. And thats a hard image to shake off.

fiveacres Thu 04-Jun-15 12:45:13

Don't invite him. Behaviour has consequences. No way would I invite a child who frightened and hurt mine!

BarbarianMum Thu 04-Jun-15 12:45:34

I think it would be unfair to leave Frank (who, however unlovely is only 5) out. But watch him like a hawk, or insist his parents stay to do this if you haven't got enough helpers to do this. Any attempt at unkindness - to your ds or anyone -gets him warned he'll be sent home if he can't play nicely and mean it.

CocktailQueen Thu 04-Jun-15 12:45:50

Yes, I would leave him out. Until he learns to behave. His parents should have kept an eye on him and other dc more at his party - I'd have been mortified if another child had been bullied by my child at my dc's party.

Your poor ds. Why should he have a kid he doesn't like at his party?

Finola1step Thu 04-Jun-15 12:45:52

I had this recently. DS wanted a particular theme for his birthday and wanted to invite just boys. All the boys in class plus outside school friends. There is one boy in his class who delights in winding my son up to the point of tears.

I didn't want to invite our "Frank" but I did. I made sure I had a family member of mine ready to watch out for "Frank". However, upon arrival "Frank's" dad asked if he could stay. I almost bit his hand off. "Frank" was the most well behaved I've ever seen him.

So I would advise you to invite your "Frank" but have a family member on "Frank" watch. And have both parents' numbers on speed dial.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Jun-15 12:46:39

Great idea. Can you were in Franks invite that parental supervision is required?

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Jun-15 12:46:50

*write

CocktailQueen Thu 04-Jun-15 12:46:51

It will show your ds that you listen to him, and perhaps show Frank that his actions have consquences.

MrsGentlyBenevolent Thu 04-Jun-15 12:46:57

I would invite him, but speak to Frank's parents as well. Explain that as much as you understand kids 'rough-housing' at this age, your child coming home crying and distressed is not OK. Say that you will be keeping an eye on the situation, and if dear Frank so much as gives your kid the old stink eye, they (parents) will be asked to pick him up. I can understand class parties, but even at this age personalities 'clash', there's no need to just put up with it, especially at his own birthday party.

tedmundo Thu 04-Jun-15 12:47:22

Please invite him. You could be describing my god daughter. She has adhd but was not diagnosed at that age. She felt keenly all the snubs and never really understood why she was left out.

Explain to the parents as suggested and request one stays to supervise. Would you feel comfortable doing this? I understand it is quite awkward but I am sure they would appreciate their feelings being a bit hurt (hearing their son is hard work) rather than the feelings of Frank being hurt.

TranmereRover Thu 04-Jun-15 12:47:25

may I also raise the point that your son was probably a little too young to be left alone at a party - particularly if you were aware of issues with the child in question

Floggingmolly Thu 04-Jun-15 12:47:29

Don't tell his mother to stay and supervise him. She plainly failed to do that at his own party, and with her there you'll be unable to deal with him yourself as robustly as you'll probably need to.

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