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To think Dp is being unreasonable regarding his son?

(22 Posts)
CaleseFletch Thu 04-Jun-15 07:46:02

Dp's son is almost 20 years old yet dp still expects him to visit us and stay over every Saturday night as per the plan when he was a child. He is normally compliant with this, being picked up with his younger brother every weekend but it's so ridiculous I feel for the kid. He has no friends, no 'out of the house' activities so just sits in his room every Saturday night. Sometimes he makes an excuse and doesn't come but dp doesn't like it.
This past week dp has been hounding the lad with Facebook messages. "How's it going son?" "How's things buddy?" "How's the uni application going son?" "Are you thinking of not going to uni now buddy?" Etc etc. none of which the lad has replied to. Ffs I would have hated to have such a clingy parent at that age!! Anyway last night after a string of ignored messages dp sent the following "you chat to your mother all the time yet I have to wait ages for a reply :-(". Ffs. The poor kid is treated like a small child. I've tried talking to DP about maybe relaxing and letting the lad grow up but he just gets defensive and says I don't know his kids so shouldn't have an opinion. Aibu to think last nights message about the mother was out of order, ridiculous and bloody childish?

Malenky Thu 04-Jun-15 07:50:11

I agree with you 100%. It's nice that he cares but the guilt trip thing is really horrible.

whiteiris Thu 04-Jun-15 07:50:31

It does sound like a pretty excruciating performance for you to have to witness. I guess you are hoping it doesn't go on for ever!

PtolemysNeedle Thu 04-Jun-15 07:51:25

I think you are over reacting about the message, it does come across as a bit pushy, but there's no real harm to it, and nothing for you to get worked up over.

Your DP just wants to know what's going on in his sons life, which is a good thing seeing as it doesn't sound like he has settled into the direction he wants to go in. It's not like he has to stop caring or taking an interest just because his son is over 18. I can't really see the problem with him staying over at weekends either if he's happy to. YABU.

morelikeguidelines Thu 04-Jun-15 07:51:25

Blimey. He is very lucky his son has mostly gone along with it so far.


OTheHugeManatee Thu 04-Jun-15 07:53:02

It's clearly well intentioned but it's hard to see how it could be tolerable for the DS.

CaleseFletch Thu 04-Jun-15 07:53:23

Considering he keeps making excuses not to come Id say he's not happy to come and who can blame him! If he doesn't come for two weeks or so dp starts messaging "are you coming this weekend? I'm doing BBQ?" Etc etc

Golfhotelromeofoxtrot Thu 04-Jun-15 07:54:48

YANBU it is a harmful message- it's a guilt trip. Maybe his mother treats him like a adult and THAT'S why he talks to her.

Poor bloke- 20 and being made to go for sleepovers.

Could you suggest they do more 'adult' things together now? Go out for dinner? Or just go to the pub?

ollieplimsoles Thu 04-Jun-15 07:57:42

The general messages are not too bad, its clear he loves and dotes on his son.

The mum message is not ok however, it would really annoy me if my dad said this..

CaleseFletch Thu 04-Jun-15 07:58:14

I've suggested that golf, he doesn't want to know (dp that is).

diddl Thu 04-Jun-15 07:59:42

Well I guess from the father's POV he just wants to see his son.

I assume he's too far away to just visit when he wants?

lionheart Thu 04-Jun-15 08:00:17

Couldn't he arrange a trip to the pub or some other outing with him and maybe invite a couple of other people along too?

BeansInBoots Thu 04-Jun-15 08:01:46

My dad was an idiot in a lot of ways, but when I was about 19 and started going out most Saturday's he offered contact in a different way. He always said if I was out and drunk, or in a situation I didn't like, to just call him and he would pick me up, and I'd stay over I used him as a free taxi a lot but we had breakfast together the next day, and I have fond memories of that because it was on my terms.
Equally, pp is correct, they need to do more grown up things together, and maybe going to a pub and seeing his son order him a pint would put it to him that he really is a man now and the sleepovers on his terms are just not going to work.

Equally, if the son is that unhappy with it, why doesn't he speak to his dad?

redfairy Thu 04-Jun-15 08:04:45

I feel for your DP. It's difficult for a NRP to maintain the same sort if relationship they would have if their child were still at home.
Are these messages on Facebook public because your poor DSS must be mortified to see his Dad's despearation for contact played out for everyone to see?

undoubtedly Thu 04-Jun-15 08:08:16

Your DP is embarrassing himself.

Do you have s good relationship with his son? Can you approach him and find out what the son would like to do eg activities or nights out with his dad? Might be an idea to give your DP some ideas how to reform this slightly odd relationship.

tumbletumble Thu 04-Jun-15 08:10:06

I feel for your DP too. The messages sound cringey, but I can understand that it seems wrong for his regular contact time to stop when his son is still living with his mum - it would be different if he'd moved out into his own place. I think your DP may end up pushing his son away but I'm not sure what you can do about it sad

ThePinkParker Thu 04-Jun-15 08:10:07

I'm 21, engaged, pregnant, full time job, looking to buy a house early next year. If my dad treated me like that I would be seriseriously pissed off. My parents treat me with respect & as their equal not hounding me like I'm 12 yrs old. He is 20 and an adult so your DP needs to let him live.


doistayordoigo Thu 04-Jun-15 08:21:31

My DSS stopped wanting to visit us when he was about 16! We insisted for a while, but he has his own life with his friends at the weekends and wants to be doing his own thing. He's just turned 18 and DH keeps in contact with him on facebook. He knows he can come over whenever he likes, and we'll always be happy to see him, but insisting that an adult, who would usually be out with mates on a Saturday night, comes for a sleepover is a bit odd.

Could he come over during the day, go out with mates and then sleep at yours, or does he live too far away for that? Or come over for Sunday lunch instead, which is what I used to do as I got older and went to my dad's?

DixieNormas Thu 04-Jun-15 08:21:43

Yanbu your dp needs to back off abit

GemmaTeller Thu 04-Jun-15 08:29:52

DSD has come and gone as she pleased from being about 16, once she went to uni her parents were the last thing on her mind.

20 is a grown adult, this what your DP doesn't see, of course contact is going to tail off, ask your DP when he stopped sleeping over regularly at his parents.

PilgrimSoul Thu 04-Jun-15 08:33:56

Is son going away to uni this September? If so, this is all going to change anyway, son is hardly going to come on sleepovers every week whilst embroiled in uni life. Sounds like your DP is having a hard time restructuring the relationship as adult to adult. The son is doing a good job disengaging, I think your dh will get the message, your message and his sons message soon enough.

Sunday lunch sounds good, maybe watch some sport afterwards.

TheMaw Thu 04-Jun-15 08:37:41

Are the messages on Facebook public? If so, that's really out of order - he might not want people to know he's applying for uni etc, or that he's being guilt-tripped by his dad.
Aside from that though, I can see where your DP is coming from, he just wants to see his boy! But agree he needs to back off a bit.

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