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to end a friendship over this?

(41 Posts)
ConfusedAS Wed 03-Jun-15 16:48:23

I have AS so could really do with some honest opinions.

My daughter is 21 and also has AS. She is very clever and very articulate but she has these huge black holes of understanding. She rang me in a terribly distressed state earlier. She posted an article on Facebook saying she agreed with it. A friend of mine had a go at her because it was offensive.

Friend then posted her own status critising 'people' who have these opinions but not explicitly saying what it was in reference to. Daughter engaged with it and got slapped back down. At which point she rang me.

The article in question was offensive but the author did make some valid points to support his offensive agenda. Having talked to daughter it's clear she had no idea of why it was offensive. She had completely missed the agenda of the author and was distraught at being in so much trouble but not having a clue why. Once I'd talked her through it she went back and deleted everything.

Unfortunately friend's status and her responses to my daughter have stayed up. Since then friend mates (who I don't know) have had a good laugh about it, egging each other on to take the piss until 'she snaps and de-friends you'.

I just don't know how to deal with situations like this. I know it's only facebook, but this is my daughter who is very vulnerable and my friend who knows that. I want to walk away completely. It's the only way I know how to cope. AIBU?

goldeline Wed 03-Jun-15 16:52:23

I'd judge anyone posting passive aggressive Facebook statuses. YANBU.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Wed 03-Jun-15 16:52:42

You can end a friendship for any reason you like at any time. It's only friendship anyway if its working for both parties.
I have no idea if you're being reasonable or not regarding the actual issues, but you should deal with it however you feel comfortable doing so.

EverythingButTheKitchenSink Wed 03-Jun-15 16:54:07

YANBU to walk away from someone who treats you like that. If you don't agree with something someone's posted you politely message them stating why it's offensive, you don't do as your so called friend did and shame someone. I do wonder what the article was about though and I'd probably have raised an eyebrow if it was something similar to the 'blardy forigners' type nonsense I've seen posted a lot on Facebook.

VelvetRose Wed 03-Jun-15 16:54:41

AS or not things like this are horrible. Flipping Facebook can be both fabulous and terrible. I think for the friends of your friend to pile in and start stirring is particularly unpleasant. Can you pm your friend and explain what has happened and how upset you both are?

chundercatsarego Wed 03-Jun-15 22:49:28

Your 'friend' sounds like a dick. Drop her and tell her why. It's fine to point out things are offensive and explain why, but if she is aware of the AS, even this could be done subtlety by PM. It's not fine to be passive aggressive and make personal attacks.

CalleighDoodle Wed 03-Jun-15 22:52:16

She should defriend your friend on facebook. What a cow she was to behave like that!

mineofuselessinformation Wed 03-Jun-15 22:52:43

Agree with pp.
This person (I won't call her a friend) should have pm'd you rather than put it out there on FB for all to see. I'd de-friend her.

cuntycowfacemonkey Wed 03-Jun-15 22:56:40

I would suggest you and your daughter quietly de-friend her and consider that an end to the friendship. I would not respond to any of her facebook posts and I'd probably not respond if she gets in touch

CrockedPot Wed 03-Jun-15 22:57:10

Your friend sounds horrible and ultimately I would end the friendship but I would want an explanation first. How close are you? Can you ring her and ask why she is being so vile when she knows your ds may have, and did, misinterprete the original fb post? I would calmy ask Her what she is thinking of, being so childish and ultimately bullying your dd.

CrockedPot Wed 03-Jun-15 22:58:23

*dd, sorry, typo.

AuntOlive Wed 03-Jun-15 23:03:03

Doesn't sound like the behaviour of a "friend" to be. I would delete her.

minesapintofwine Wed 03-Jun-15 23:29:44

Could you send a text to your friend explaining how upset your dd is, and ask her to delete the post. If she doesn't then yanbu to drop her friendship

ConfusedAS Thu 04-Jun-15 08:39:04

I got a message from my friend shortly after starting this thread saying she promised she hadn't said anything to upset DD, she'd only told her that she found the article offensive, that DD thought she was being personal but she wasn't, that DD was mistaken thinking her post was about DD and her mates were just shit stirring. She's also deleted some of her mates posts and done a bit of editing so it doesn't look so nasty.

It really upset me, but I couldn't say why, and I spent the rest of the day writing and rewriting a reply. In the end I just said that she'd made the mistake of assuming DD had normal ability to understand communication; that DD was so distressed at not getting what was really going on and why she was in trouble that she was talking of giving up and ending it all; she'd deleted it to try and make it go away and put things right; and how upset I was at seeing mature adults getting so much enjoyment out of seeing her fail.

I've heard nothing back.

MarvellousMarbles Thu 04-Jun-15 08:45:24

OP, I think your response to your friend sounds very honest and your friend's lack of response is because it has hit her quite hard. Depending on what kind of person she is, she may come back and apologise, or (more likely I think from her behaviour so far) totally minimise it, and either ignore or undermine your response.

If she apologises, then I would continue the friendship. If she ignores/undermines, then I would withdraw from the friendship - not via a big flare-up, but just quietly detaching. People who aren't fundamentally nice aren't worth having in your life.

RedHelenB Thu 04-Jun-15 08:45:54

Your daughter need to accept that if she posts her opinion on facebook others can disagree with it! She's an adult too.

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 08:48:18

In the nicest possible way; your dd posted something offensive. She's going to get called out on it!

I know she has AS, but she's 21. How long are you going to fight her battles for her?

Surely you would have been better to tell her it was offensive and people will take umbrage to offensive things being posted on social media?

AuntyMag10 Thu 04-Jun-15 08:52:55

But she had posted something offensive so rightly she should be pulled up on it. Bear in mind she is also an adult. Not everyone will know her situation, so people will react to an offensive situation. Next time it might not be a friend who calls her out on it.

PeppermintCrayon Thu 04-Jun-15 08:57:08

I think you need to tell us what the article was about.

ConfusedAS Thu 04-Jun-15 08:59:58

Surely you would have been better to tell her it was offensive and people will take umbrage to offensive things being posted on social media?

I did tell her that and once she understood it she deleted it. I also understand why my friend pulled her up on it. That's not the issue. The issue is my friend appearing to use passive aggressive posts elsewhere to stir up a posse of ridicule and belittling against her.

TwinkieTwinkle Thu 04-Jun-15 08:59:58

I honestly think you have a duty to explain to your daughter that Facebook is a place where people can honestly behave like dicks. If the article was offensive and your friend's friends don't know your daughter has AS then I could understand why they commented. It sounds like your friend has removed the nasty responses so that's something.

TheRoseAndTheFire Thu 04-Jun-15 09:01:09

I wonder if social media is the best place for your daughter? Your friend doesn't seem to have handled this particularly well but if you post something offensive on FB then people are going to call you out on it.

Lots of people have FB friends who are not friends IRL so many seeing the article may not have known about her AS. Not that I am excusing rudeness but I have been known to get quite cross with people who post offensive, ignorant stuff on social media (eg rape apology stuff). Perhaps a FB break for your DD might be an idea?

TwinkieTwinkle Thu 04-Jun-15 09:03:23

I would also suggest you consider whether your friend might have found the article personally offensive, be it to herself, a family member or a friend. It doesn't excuse her behaviour but might explain why she was rather aggressive in her own Facebook post.

Allstoppedup Thu 04-Jun-15 09:05:11

It doesn't necessarily excuse the friends behaviour with regards to the passive aggressive status but if the original article was something that was very emotive and offensive it could have just riled her to the point where she was shocked people could be 'pro' that argument and posted out of anger.

It's childish but people can react this way when their buttons are pushed about something they feel particularly passionate about. She didn't tag/mention your daughter so it was more of a general call to arms against people who have what she sees as an unacceptable view rather than a personal attack. It sounds like things just escalated when your daughter commented.

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 09:08:04

If the posse weren't aware of the origin of the post, then it's understandable that they didn't temper their comments, I think.

Of course, your friend should have known better but was it something personally hurtful to her and maybe her judgement was skewed by emotion?

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