severe jealousy of DH EXW. please help, i know iabu :( Can't do this anymore

(51 Posts)
JustWanaBeHappy Wed 03-Jun-15 10:31:51

posted in here for traffic. have nc as am seriously embarrassed and ashamed and I am sure you will all think I am nuts and awful. this is going to be a right ramble but I need to get it all out

I have been with DH 8 years, married 5. I am 33 and dh is 43. we have 2 DDs aged 2 and 6. and I have a DS, 10, from a prev relationship. he was married before and has a 19 yo dd and 2 adult stepchildren. I have always had jealousy issues over his ex right from the beginning as I was only his second gf after they split and she wanted him back and tried to get him back a few times in the first year or 2 we were together. I was really insecure. and still I am jealous of her now and of his past life.

he met her at 23, she was living with someone and had 2 DCs, but she left him for DH. her and her DC moved in immediately. only imagine how in love dh was to do that as a 23 year old lad really, he was (and is) very good looking and popular, he'd had several GFs until her, but never settled down so wasn't exactly short of offers. so god knows how crazy in love / lust he was to get her down the aisle that quick. he reckons it was her that pushed him into moving fast, he was not that bothered but I know what he is like, he isn't daft. In fact he is very sensible, measured and stubborn and if he didn't want to do something he wouldn't do it.

dh proposed to me after about 2 years and it bugs the hell out of me that it took him so long, knowing how quick he got a ring on XW.

I even get jealous that they owned a house together, dh and I only rent, how pathetic is that. we have never had that experience and prob never will! and I am jealous that he has already been a step dad before he was a step dad to my DS and that makes it less special to me.

I have low self esteem anyway. but my jealousy affects everything. worst of all it affects our sex life, as i wonder if she was better than me in bed, (she is skinny like about a size 6 and loads better looking than me even though she is older), she is typical blonde, skinny, tanned, immaculate....i am dark, pale and slim ish, quite unconventional looking really, I think had a brief period of "prettiness" in my 20's but thats going down hill quick and my 3 pregnancies have ruined my figure tbh. i will never look good in a bikini again. but at 40 odd and after her 3 kids she was posting holiday bikini pics on FB recently looking amazing. my feelings affect everything. our holidays, things we do as a family, when he does romantic things for me, Christmases, family parties etc etc, I just think, he has done this all before and I haven't. So I feel it isn't as special or meaningful. I am also jealous as I had sections for my births, dh ex had DSD naturally, and I often think how amazing it must have been for him. and also she will always be the mother of his PFB. and I have heard on here that women who have had natural births have better sex so there's another reason I worry that our sex life isn't as good. Not to mention my horrid scar. so embarrassed writing this.

basically I can not deal or cope with the fact he had a family before me....tbh the main reason I wanted to have our dds was to "even the score" and secretly I am happy that I have got more children with him than she has, (obvs he does not know that!) how awful is that? and mad.

I also secretly compare our kids with DSD. and although I would never say it our 2 girls are no where near as pretty and cute as DSD was (and is). in fact I even feel sick sometimes when I see DSD as she is crazy beautiful and I imagine her DM looked just like her at her age and I hate myself for it as I love DSD and she is lovely. so how awful of me.

I feel i cannot compete, I don't know what he sees in me when I look in the mirror. and its only going down hill as i get older! but he is always telling me how much he loves me, that he has never loved/fancied anyone as much as me or been so happy. that we have loads in common and i am his best friend, and he has never had that before. in fact he has told me before he was mostly quite unhappy when he was married before. so why can't I shake this jealousy? he knows about it a bit but I could never tell him all this.

ps I have had counselling several times and nothing has worked sad ....and I am sorry this is so long

echt Wed 03-Jun-15 10:43:12

This not the place.

Ask MNHQ to post this in Relationships. Lots of traffic and good advice.

Patchworkpatty Wed 03-Jun-15 10:44:41

At night when you go to bed, who does he voluntarily get Into bed with ?. Who is he married to ? Who does he spend his life with ? These are all choices he made , they were all choices he made to be with you when he COULD have chosen her but didn't. I don't think you need counselling, I think you need to work on you self esteem, so that you can Begin to see what your dh can already see in you.

Oswin Wed 03-Jun-15 10:49:56

Oh this is so sad to read. I hope no ones horrible. The only advice I can give you is to keep in your head that he is with you because he loves you.

lordStrange Wed 03-Jun-15 10:54:40

You need to get over this obsession with looks! You don't need me to tell you that it is pointless and meaningless to compare looks in this way!

I think you need to untangle all the various parts that are causing you anxiety and work on each one separately.

Also, I really understand low self esteem, I really do. You have a very harsh critic in your mind that you need to stfu. You need to develop all your own amazing unique qualities, feel proud of yourself for where you are today.

There is no need to compete with anyone, and not this ex and her dd.

DamnBamboo Wed 03-Jun-15 10:55:09

OP, ask to move this to relationships.
This is not about you being unreasonable at all and shouldn't be in here.

MonstersBalls Wed 03-Jun-15 10:57:27

It sounds like he's had ample opportunity to get back with her if he wanted. If he's refused to get back with her despite her making it obvious she wants him back then I would think she's more jealous of you.

You're the one he's chosen. You're the one he married after careful consideration. I wouldn't worry about a 23yr old's rash decisions.

hhhhhhh Wed 03-Jun-15 11:01:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber Wed 03-Jun-15 11:01:42

so why can't I shake this jealousy?

because your self esteem is so poor that you can't believe he (and probably anyone) would rather be with you than someone else. He even had the choice of her (if she wanted him back) and didn't go.

It's normal to feel a bit jealous when there are prior families involved, it's not normal to be compared the relative attractiveness of your children.

I can only suggest more counselling and make sure that it focusses on your lack of self esteem, this isn;t about your DH or his ex - it's 100% about you.

Penfolds5 Wed 03-Jun-15 11:03:41

Agree get this moved to relationships.

OP, I'm sorry you feel like this.

Comparison, when it comes to relationships, is futile. Understanding why a person loves another person is basically impossible. Take anyone you love, and measure them up in as "objective" a fashion as possible against other people in the world. In the end, you'll always be able to find someone else generally regarded as "better looking", "cleverer", "more vituous", probably also "kinder", etc., as well, than the one you love. Does this make you love the person any less, or want to trade them in?

Is your sense of worth very tied up with this relationship? Do you feel that without your DH you wouldn't survive (or that life would be terrible)?

Shockers Wed 03-Jun-15 11:04:05

If the counselling didn't work last time, try again with a different therapist. You really need to seek help before this erodes your marriage and your relationships with your children.

I don't believe your feelings are really anything to do with surface 'attractiveness', you sound like you have underlying issues that need addressing so that you can love yourself and see what the rest of the world (and esp your DH) sees.

Seek help quickly, and good luck. x

lordsandladies Wed 03-Jun-15 11:09:10

Jesus your poor kids. And poor you.

You really have done a number on yourself, I think you need to revisit your GP.

Penfolds5 Wed 03-Jun-15 11:11:57

Do a quick poll of people you know, to find out whether the person they wanted to spend their life with is the most traditionally good-looking/most successful/whatever they ever went out with/had the option of, or whether it's down to something inexplicable about "clicking" with a person. I think once you accept that there is no quantifying/predicting/understanding choice of partner, this issue gets much easier to deal with (in some ways!).

workhouse Wed 03-Jun-15 11:15:41

He took longer to propose to you as he knew rushing was a mistake and he was unhappy before, so he wanted to make sure he was doing it right and he did with you

This is the truth of it. It's all to do with love OP. When you love someone their face looks infinitely more attractive to you than anyone else.

DoJo Wed 03-Jun-15 11:17:28

I feel i cannot compete

You don't have to - there is no competition! He has chosen you, and if you can't be happy with that then it doesn't matter who he has had relationships with in the past, your view of yourself is what needs to change.

KingTut Wed 03-Jun-15 11:20:19

Leave this Woman and child alone. sad

You are blaming them for your issues, please if not for your own sake for the sake of your child get help. flowers

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 03-Jun-15 11:27:39

My exDH has a girlfriend who, I suspect, feels like you feel. She won't have any contact with me because "she doesn't do exes" hmm, she has told his Mum that she's jealous of the years I had with ExH, and has even dyed her hair to match my (very unusual) coloured hair. Ahem.

EXH and I got engaged after a year and married 6 months later. We had 2 DC, bought a beautiful house, and spent 10 years together. She's waited 4 years to get a ring off him, with still no date set. No kids. Can't buy a house.

Thing is, she's jealous of an illusion. The years that ExH and I spent together were HORRIBLE! We never made each other happy, she is MUCH better suited to him in terms of interests/hobbies than I was. I thought (and still think) he's a twat and I feel nothing for her but sympathy, because I know he'll destroy her confidence like he destroyed mine with his stupid insults disguised as "jokes" and his unending selfishness.

Er, sorry! Got a bit carried away!! What I mean is: there is a reason they split up, and very good reasons why he didn't want her back. Men initially fall for beauty but over time they REALLY appreciate personality! When it comes to marriage, men would much rather live with someone tolerant, kind and supportive, than a size-6 blonde they don't get on with.

I know none of this will sink in - your problems run deeper than anyone can fix in one post. But please think of these:

1. Give your DH some credit for his own choices (you);
2. Read some books on CBT, especially "Feeling Good" by Dr David Burns, it will REALLY HELP you to know you're not the only person who invents things like this;
3. Remember that the years will pass whether you are happy or unhappy. Do you want to look back aged 60 and realise you wasted your 30s, and your kids' childhoods, wallowing in jealousy of another woman?

DamnBamboo Wed 03-Jun-15 11:30:04

Kingtut what do you mean leave them alone.
She hasn't done anything!

Only1scoop Wed 03-Jun-15 11:30:09

Get this moved to relationships as pp have said.

Maybe try a different kind of counselling? It reads as though your total focus is on ex and family and based around all the outside physical attributes of her and her dc. Some quite intense stuff there to read. Your reasons for dc and your feelings about dsd and her 'cuteness'. Have you always had feelings of jealousy and possessive tendencies?

How is your general health could you approach GP for counselling etc?

flora717 Wed 03-Jun-15 11:35:37

Stop thinking about looks. It sounds as though he was once young and easily led/ dazzled.
Now he is considered and deeper and he has not only left this woman but has turned down her attempts to win him SINCE meeting you. You have nothing to fear from this woman.
You do need to become at ease with who you are. Find the confidence look in the mirror and see the unique, slim woman your husband does ... this will also impact on your sexual confidence.

DoJo Wed 03-Jun-15 11:43:31

I have heard on here that women who have had natural births have better sex so there's another reason I worry that our sex life isn't as good.

Where did you hear that?! I have never heard anything remotely along those lines, and I'm fairly sure a) that it is not true and b) that even if it IS true in general, it is not a given in any specific situation!

Either way, this kind of thinking is a symptom of the problem in hand, not the cause, so I'm not going to try to refute all the things that you have said using logic as that won't solve a problem that is emotional at its core.

TheWildRumpyPumpus Wed 03-Jun-15 11:45:15

I am imagining that this goes way back, before your DH or any other partners.

Do you have siblings? If so, was there a lot of jealousy there? Also with friends at school? And (maybe most importantly) what is/was your relationship with your parents like? Did they make you feel good about yourself growing up?

Self-esteem (or lack of) is a complete killer.

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter Wed 03-Jun-15 11:45:25

OP has posted an identical thread in Relationships.

Shakey1500 Wed 03-Jun-15 11:49:45

I feel for you, really I do. But if you don't accept yourself and HIS choice then this has the potential to destroy you and the relationship. Then where will you be? It's such a waste of emotion and energy you must feel emotionally exhausted with it all. thanks

Sushiqueen Wed 03-Jun-15 11:49:50

My DH has also been married before. His ex is taller, slimmer and younger than me. He also married her a lot quicker than we got married.
Whenever I have asked him about it- he tells me that he learnt that looks are nothing and it is the person inside that counts and the relationship you have with them. He reckons that the reason he took longer to ask me to marry him him was that he was far happier with me than her and was worried that it would all go wrong if we got married.

At the end of the day people grow up and their feelings for people can change.

Your DH's ex may be slimmer land prettier than you (in your eyes) but you are the person he wants to be with and who he is happy with. You need to learn to believe in yourself. I know it is not easy - I still compare myself to the ex occasionally. But at the end of the day I am the one that my DH wants to be with just as your DH wants to be with you.

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