To not let dd go out on her own....(50 Posts)
Okay so dd is 10. She's been asking for a while now if she can call for her friends who live in the village. She see's boys from her class quite often around the village on their own or in a group wandering / playing. A few of her friends are also allowed to to this. We let her play out the front of the house, but don't let her past the street, her friends can come & play. The park isn't far at all, but you can't see them walk there, there's no roads to cross, but still we're uneasy about letting her go alone, we've let her walk up with her friends as it's less than a minute away & one of us has always followed.
She feels we are treating her like a baby because we don't let her call for her friends, some live further away in the village. Some of them tease her at school saying that they can go anywhere & she can't, it's upsetting her a lot. She's really angry at us for stopping her, but we've told her it's not because we're doing it to be cruel but because we care & just don't think at 10 she's ready yet to be wandering the streets alone. Some of it is trust I know, can we trust that she'd go straight to her friends, yes, but then if her friends wanted to go further afield, would she follow or not, knowing she's not allowed? Then there's the stranger danger side too, which just reinforces our decision to not let her go off.
Part of us thinks she's too young. But then I can see her upset, It's everyday. I know she wants that bit of freedom & at the same time we need to have that peice of mind knowing she's safe.
If the park isn't far it sounds like a good place to start. She'll need a watch. Send her there while you cook dinner. Start with 15 mins and see how she goes.
I think that she is at the age where you should let her go. Set ground rules. Make sure she has a mobile phone. You can even get trackers for them. Start small and build up from there.
She's 10? Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. She needs to start gaining some independence - little steps at a time.
Is she generally a sensible girl? Trustworthy? Can you test it out by arranging for her to go to play at a friend's house one weekend? She could arrange to call you quickly to let you know she's there okay - depending on how big a village it is, and how busy the roads she'd have to cross are.
Could you arrange for a friend to come over, and then send them both out on an errand to the village shop? Test the water with small steps.
If you keep saying a blanket NO, you may find she eventually rebels and goes out without your permission - which would be far, far worse.
And yes. It is unreasonable. It's not as though she'll magically awaken age 11 / 12 / 15 suddenly full of the maturity and confidence to sensibly get around independently. You need to build that up.
Personally i would let her start to spread her wings - my DD is around the same age and is allowed to walk to school on her own, play out off the street with friends and walk to the shop. She has a cheap mobile for emergencies and has enough sense not to push her limits.
They have to do it at some point and starting when it's lighter for longer will be safer and maybe give you more peace of mind.
Mobile phone with tracker. My dds call it the stalker app. It's great.
Always always with friends to the park. Talk strategies and dangers.
To he honest op 10 is young. Still it's the time to start the beginning of going out and about by herself.
It's not easy though
She's 10. In not long she'll be starting secondary school - help her to gain some indpenedence now or she'll be lost.
Crikey I've allowed DS to walk around to the local shop since he was 8 - shoudn't I have done?
He starts walking to school on his own in Sept and he won't be 10 then as will the rest of the class.
I discuss scenarios with him to ask how he'd react.
To be honest that fact that he's allowed to means he rarely does!
They are expected to be able to make their own way to school once they start secondary school, so maybe better to let her build up some awareness before then.
When she goes to secondary school presumably in the near future you will need to let her travel on her own, so now is a good time to start I should think.
Start with the park, agreeing the route to be taken and a time to be back. Establish the ground rules, see how she manages. Check up randomly, and if you find she has not stuck to the agreements then ground her again for a short while.
Do you have a spare mobile phone handset you can give her? She must answer if you call her or she will be brought back and grounded.
You do need to start letting go gradually, although it is hard.
If you lived in a city or large town I could understand. However, a village is an excellent place to learn some independence and 'worldly awarness'. As long as you can trust her to have road/stranger awareness, I would let her get away from your street once in a while.
Next year she will be going to secondary are you going to baby her then.
I think its a bit cruel not to let her go out on her own. You've got to let her go gradually and learn to begin independance before secondary school, which is only a few months away.
Blimey, how will you cope with senior school?
It's never been easier to keep in touch with our kids when they're out of the house. Just buy her a cheap mobile phone.
I would let her go to the park. I think YABU not to let her - although there's a poster on another thread tonight who thinks it's illegal for a ten year old to be unsupervised in a public place [sceptical]
Going to the park with a friend just for an hour is fine and give her a cheap mobile in case of an emergency. I don't think I would want her wandering the streets though.
Why not start with letting her arrange to meet friends after school/ at weekend, they call for her and go out to the park together?
My rule at that age was you can play out, but there have to be 4 of you and you stay together.
I think YABU.
How is she going to get to secondary school ?
Now is the time to start practising, or building up to traveling on her own.
Start with a short time span, or a specific task... is there a shop she can go to...or a letter to post?....or can she call for friends and you meet her at park 15mins later?... etc. If she never goes out on her own, anywhere, in familiar surroundings at 10, it's going to be a big shock with all other changes when she transfers to secondary school at 11.
I do think YABU, summer holidays are around the corner is she going to have to stay in front of the house while her friends go off to the park, or worse still have her parent follow her there and watch them all.
My dd is 10 and has been walking herself to school for over a year, goes to the shop round the corner on her own and has just, with the lighter evenings, been allowed to walk herself to guides (about a 10 min walk). She has a phone and I ask her to call me when she gets to where she's supposed to be going, and again when she's about to set off home. She's building up her independence and proving we can trust her, so that in the summer holidays she can go off and play with her friends.
I remember when I was younger than that we used to be gone all day during the holidays. I know things were different back then and parents were a lot more relaxed, but they have to start getting some freedom sometime.
Unless there are other issues, a 10 year old should be able to go to nearby shops, park etc without an adult.
Our dc started going to these places from the age of 8. We bought a very cheap PAYG mobile which got issued when they left the house, with strict rules about answering it and what time they needed to be home. That was in the days before smart phones, it's certainly worth having a tracker app on a phone if that makes you feel easier.
Can I ask those who mention a mobile phone, where do your DC actually put the phone? I can imagine my DS putting it in a pocket and loosing it within 5 mins
In a small shoulder bag? Get a really cheap one. Is she 'young' for her age? I would let her go too but make sure she is always with a friend at least for now.
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