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In insisting on a being married before I'll become a sahm?

(71 Posts)
Feminstsahm Tue 02-Jun-15 11:46:36

Up to now myself and OH have earned the same amount, worked 50% each, and split kids sick days etc all 50/50. He had a bit of a strop at the weekend 'its not fair he does so much more than other Dad's' . Of course I told him to grow the fuck up as we have kids and he works PT so of course he does half the sah parenting. He has amiditted before that he would much prefer it if I would go PT and cover sick days etc. The kids are little still so this is about 1 week out of every 6 weeks and is stressing us all out with trying to fit in work still, esp our jobs don't really care if we are off we still have to get the work done.

I'm being made redundant in 5 months anyway so it is a good time to take a break, esp as I want to do some more studying to find work near to where we live. We can keep the kids in PT nusery so I could study PT.
Of course I could find work further away and travel but that puts even more of the day to day parenting onto him.

So AIBU to say I'll only cover the childcare in the afternoons, nights wakings, sick days provided we get married and all wages are shared equally so we both have the same disposable income after all household bills are paid, and we would need to pay into a private pension for me as I'm losing my employer pension?

Also evening childcare, housework etc will still need to be shared (although I'd do what I can in the day) so we both have equal freetime.

I'm happy to have a prenup to protect our own premarrige assests and ay income arising from these, he has more of these than me and this has been a worry for him previously.

I know this sounds very unromantic but I only see marrige as a finacial contract and have no interest in the relegious or party side of things.

Feminstsahm Tue 02-Jun-15 11:50:00

NC as people from RL know my username and if we get married I prob won't tell many people.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Tue 02-Jun-15 11:57:19

Didn't want to read and run but YANBU.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 02-Jun-15 11:58:05

YANBU at all but sensible and practical. Though TBH this could sink your relationship, it's actually better if that happens than that you back down and your DP then feels entitled to put you in the box marked 'woman' and slowly engineer things to the point where somehow you are doing all the housework, having no leisure time apart from 'family time' and he's spending all the surplus income on treats for himself 'because he earns the money'.

And if he wants you working part time, is he about to go full time? Or are his part-time earnings very high? Because reading your post through I am getting the impression of a resentful man who doesn't like the idea of a woman being the higher earner and the domestic work being shared - and I wonder if his intention genuinely is to bring you down to a subordinate place.

FannyFernackapan Tue 02-Jun-15 12:03:29


I got married a year ago and of course I love my husband to bits and that was half the motivation for me ! The other half was purely to protect myself. We don't share kids together but we have large financial type stuff and I work PT and he works FT. We pool all our money and we then have an equal amount of spending on ourself money every month.

Marriage is a partnership , a team, and I believe that as part of that team you get an equal share

MythicalKings Tue 02-Jun-15 12:05:25

YANBU. No way would I have had DCs without the security of marriage.

Velociraptor Tue 02-Jun-15 12:08:32

YANBU. It sounds like you have thought it through well.

Nolim Tue 02-Jun-15 12:09:22

I know this sounds very unromantic but I only see marrige as a finacial contract and have no interest in the relegious or party side of things.

I totally agree. Pragmatism over sentimentalism. Yanbu.

Mopmay Tue 02-Jun-15 12:09:50

I would not go SAHP either without marrying - too much sacrifice if goes wrong - security, pension and all that. 10 years together, 2 kids but both work

Feminstsahm Tue 02-Jun-15 12:10:03

I earn more than him and have the potential to earn a lot more if I work away, tbh I'm not sure I want to and he def doesn't want me to. I am scared of sleeping walking into the subordinate (women's) role though.

We can live on his PT earnings (low living costs rather than high wages) and he is an academic so if he wants to work PT and research in the other time I'm happy to treat that as work even if its unpaid, as it's to further his career in the same way studying would further mine.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Tue 02-Jun-15 12:12:21


You describe our exact set up - married, i'm a SAHM, we have shared income, equal access to spending money, and we pay into a pension for me.

The real question though is - do you want to give up work? If you don't, then could you increase the childcare you have, get a nanny for a couple of days a week?

Why exactly is it that he thinks he shouldn't have to deal with his own kids? There sounds to be degree of resentment, which I would want to get to the bottom of before getting married.

AuntyMag10 Tue 02-Jun-15 12:12:23

Yanbu, that would be very sensible but I probably would have had that discussion before having kids.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing Tue 02-Jun-15 12:14:48

My friend is in a horrendous situation now - I wish she had thought practically and protected herself. And yes, we all thought she had a brilliant relationship with a lovely man. Couldn't be more surprised at how that turned out.

flessan Tue 02-Jun-15 12:18:00

Definitely don't give up your financial independance without the security of marriage. And also make sure that he appreciates that the work you do in the home is just as important as the work he does outside it to bring in the money.
You wouldn't have to have your own pension, as I a. Divorce his pension would be counted as joint assets, so only invest in one if it makes financial sense otherwise.
The Sahm role doesn't have to be subordinate. I'm definitely not, even though I haven't wohm for 11 years now and actually have no intention of doing so again (I do do lots of voluntary stuff to keep me intellectually stimulated now kids are older). But you do have to make sure he agrees with that before you agree to take it on. I also control all our family finances, whcih are all joint, which means I do feel financially secure as I know more than him about how the money he earns is invested.

brittabot Tue 02-Jun-15 12:20:42

YANBU. You would have very little protection otherwise.

I would also suggest combined accounts for all incoming money, with your own spending money distributed into each of your own accounts. Works for us as it means it's treated as family money rather than yours/mine.

Sausagerollers Tue 02-Jun-15 12:21:30

Of course you should het married before you become a SAHM. Why would you take on any job without a contract?
That doesn't mean your DC becomes your boss, but it does mean your role and contribution is protected by law.
If he has an issue with marrying you then that proves you shouldn't become a SAHM.

PtolemysNeedle Tue 02-Jun-15 12:21:46

YANBU, but if it's just about a financial contract and not the commitment and love you have between you, then you could consider a civil partnership.

Sausagerollers Tue 02-Jun-15 12:22:27

Get not het.

Feminstsahm Tue 02-Jun-15 12:28:12

Before kids we earned the same and discussed this from a diff perspective, of blissful ignorance grin
Neither of us appriciated how much kids are home sick, nusery inset days, events, dr etc etc really eat into trying to both work even if its PT. We both worked FT for 4 months before DC2 was born and it was really stressful. The plan at the moment is we both go back FT in Jan when DC2 turns one and can go to nursery FT.
Also we didnt really think through how much working PT (even short term) affects your ability to do your job well and get promotions etc.

While we both earn the same and split bills and childcare 50/50 its was already fair and no need to marry as I wasn't giving up any more than he was. Becoming a sahm of sorts is a whole new kettle of fish.

TarkaTheOtter Tue 02-Jun-15 12:29:12

I'm a SAHM but given your husband's strop at having to do 50/50 housework/childcare when you both work I think you are right to be concerned and I don't think marriage, whilst affording you some protection, is not a complete solution.

Theas18 Tue 02-Jun-15 12:29:32

So he wants to be a father but not do parenting stuff. No deal married or not married that doesn't make a " dad" in my eyes.

What has really triggered this? Is the stress of your imminent redundancy? Has one of the lads questioned his "maleness" being so involved with his kids? Your 1st " grow the fuck up" reaction was the correct one. Hold onto that.

I know it's the practical thing to do but you are also already having to think about financially safeguarding yourself if this change happens. That makes me wonder what signs there have been before that you might not be safe financially?

TarkaTheOtter Tue 02-Jun-15 12:30:15

Sorry lose the "not" in that last sentence.

Lottapianos Tue 02-Jun-15 12:33:27

'YANBU, but if it's just about a financial contract and not the commitment and love you have between you, then you could consider a civil partnership.'

Sadly, and ridiculously, not an option for opposite sex couples

OP, I couldn't give a fig about 'romance' either. I think you're being really sensible and I would do the same in your shoes.

SylvaniansAtEase Tue 02-Jun-15 12:39:29

YANBU to everything you have set out - yes, insist on it. Especially the private pension for you.

Stepping back further, though - don't make the SAHM thing permanent even if you ARE married, not with this kind of man. Worried about protecting his premarital assets? Wanting you to be the one taking on the domestic role as it's not fair that he does more than 'other Dads'? Right.

Keep studying, keep updating your skills, ONLY go part time or SAHM if it also provides a way to keep you moving forward - eg training, study. Because I have a funny feeling that you have someone who, while I'm sure he is lovely, is not really a keeper deep down... Now that you have kids, I think you're going to see more and more of the entitled misogynist underneath slipping out, sadly. To be blunt, make damn sure you prioritise your career, because I think one day you might be utterly glad you did, get married, and make sure as hell you have permanent and open access to all finances.

This man doesn't see you as an equal. He's put on a good show if it until now, though, when he's really being asked to DO stuff equally instead of pay lip service to it.

My DH isn't like this. That's all I can say. He's really not like this - which is why I'm with him, and I wouldn't settle for less.

DorisLessingsCat Tue 02-Jun-15 12:39:43

YANBU. At all. And how refreshing to see someone actually planning this.

I think if more couples have really good conversations about what SAHM actually entailed it would avoid problems down the line.

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