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Going on holiday without your child.

(37 Posts)
inmyshoos Tue 02-Jun-15 09:21:58

My exh has a new partner and 2dc as do i. We have a son together who is 11.

Ds does go on holiday with them sometimes but they do also go away without him just taking his other 2 dc.

I have mixed feelings about it so just wanted to know what others think really.

Aibu to think he should always include him as he is also his dc or should they be able to enjoy a holiday with just their own little family. Dh and i only ever holiday with all the dc but then ds lives with us.

Littlef00t Tue 02-Jun-15 09:28:22

Sometimes it's not always practical. Presumably ds ends up getting more holidays if he's included in all on both sides of the family?

The nature of step families is that children have different experiences. I think it's ok sometimes but not every holiday.

ollieplimsoles Tue 02-Jun-15 09:32:25

Tricky one, my dad had another family and started living a totally separate life ignoring me and my sister completely. he took his new family (three DCs) to Thailand, Crete, Spain..

I never enjoyed going on holiday with him because our relationship has always been strained. How does your DS feel about this?

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 02-Jun-15 09:38:07

Well if your son spends a proportional amount of time with his dad then it makes sense that holidays/activities etc are proportional too.

Another way of looking at it - you have 50/50. So half of your DSs activities/holidays/treats come from you and the other half from his dad.

Shakirasma Tue 02-Jun-15 09:38:45

We always took DSD on holiday with us, we felt it would be totally wrong to leave one of our children out.

ExH however never took our DD on holiday with his new family (not that I would have wanted him too, he's a useless alcoholic prick). What really annoyed me about this was all the pics he and his wife would put on facebook, gushing about their "proper family holiday" with her kids.

crossroads15 Tue 02-Jun-15 09:39:02

What's the age difference between DS and the other kids? Does DS mind?

AmyElliotDunne Tue 02-Jun-15 09:56:10

I have mixed feelings on this.

I think as long as he's being taken on some of the holidays with them that's fine. As PP have said, if he gets holidays with you and with his dad he ends up getting twice as many holidays as all the other DCs.

From his step mum's POV taking an extra non-resident child whenever she goes away with her own DCs is likely to make it less relaxing for her and her DCs.

I know your DP includes DS as part of his family, but as you say, he lives with you anyway and so his behaviour and the way he is treated is likely to be the same as the other DCs in your family, whereas a lot of the stress of blended families seems to come from the non resident child behaving or being treated differently. Holidays are already a pressure point for many and so having the added complication of parenting a child who is not yours (especially as many mums are the ones who end up organising everyone and still doing the wifework on holiday) could really make her holiday hard work.

However, I appreciate that it could feel unfair to your DS that his dad is away enjoying time with his other DCs and not with him. I think it is important to point out the ways in which DS benefits from the set-up to try and minimise feelings of missing out.

inmyshoos Tue 02-Jun-15 10:04:18

Ds loves going with them. His Dad is really quite well off compared to us so of course their holidays are filled with expensive activities (watersports etc)

It really upset ds when his sister on Dads side said theyd been on holiday abroad

SausageBaconCrackling Tue 02-Jun-15 10:05:16

My DS gets to go on holiday more than the other 3 DCs because his dad and step mum take him on one and so do we. Is this also not fair? I think YABU, they're not leaving him out entirely, just sometimes. We do things with remaining DCs when he's away too, wouldn't occur to me not to.

inmyshoos Tue 02-Jun-15 10:06:51

I have 3dc. Ds11, dd8 and dd6. Exh has ds11 dd6 and ds3.

crossroads15 Tue 02-Jun-15 10:25:56

I think you probably are B a bit U but it depends on how many holidays we're talking. If Dad only takes one holiday a year and excludes your DS, I think it's a bit mean. If he takes a few, and includes him on some, then I think that's to be expected given that DS is only there some of the time.

littleshorty Tue 02-Jun-15 10:37:47

Lots of threads on the steps board about this and issues like it. I think as long as they take him sometimes and he gets a holiday with you its not like he's missing out. An older child would change the dynamic of the family quite a bit than just taking the two youngest.
We've done short breaks with both our kids, a holiday without them and I take my ds away on my own. Dss gets a holiday with his dm.

BabyMurloc Tue 02-Jun-15 10:40:01

If he gets holidays with you as well I don't see an issue. Growing up I went on some holidays with my dad and all holidays with my mum. It didn't bother me in the slightest as I still went on more holidays than I ever expected.

annielouisa Tue 02-Jun-15 10:48:02

What sort of holidays is he taken on? You say he was upset as his DSS talked about going abroad? So does he never get to go abroad?

anon33 Tue 02-Jun-15 11:22:14

The whole "he gets a holiday with hismum" just feeds into the concept that step children (and children who are not resident) are not part of the family and are just entitled to half from each parent.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Tue 02-Jun-15 11:31:13

The whole "he gets a holiday with hismum" just feeds into the concept that step children (and children who are not resident) are not part of the family and are just entitled to half from each parent.

Except in trying to be so fair to that child you're forgetting about the other children involved, who are no less important.

In this situation there are 5 children. Mother has 3 (2+1) and Father has 3 (2+1). If you argue that the shared child (1) should always go on holiday with both parents when the go, and both mother and father take holidays then 1 goes on twice as many holidays as the 2/2.

Fairness goes both ways. Mother here says child is upset if his half sister has been away with their father. Does no-one care if the sister is upset if her half brother has been away with his mother?

anon33 Tue 02-Jun-15 11:50:48

I think it is unlikely that the half sister will be upset as she has a ^complete family and presumably goes away with them every time. The step child (in this case) goes away every time with it's mother, but only half of the time with his father.

I do think the father in this case should stump up for his child every time. There is nothing which breeds insecurity in children in these situations like a lovely postcard from your Dad and half siblings to say they are having a great time like I got every year

littleshorty Tue 02-Jun-15 11:55:51

Anon i think in the case dad should probably take the ds all the time depending how the sm feels about it. But in some cases having to take step kids on holiday means that the younger kids never get to go as it becomes too expensive, even if they are getting amazing hols with their mothers family. Not fair on the little ones.
Can't see us going away with just my ds and not dss but we don't have shared kids, rightly or not that changes things

PtolemysNeedle Tue 02-Jun-15 12:38:29

If they were going on holiday as a couple and leaving their other children at home it would be fine, but if they are taking their other children then they are being spectacularly shitty to exclude one of them.

It's horrible that a parent would do this. It's irrelevant that he gets a holiday with you, he is still being excluded from his Dads family.

Gottagetmoving Tue 02-Jun-15 13:27:22

I think it is reasonable if your ex takes your DS on some holidays but not all.
He is not being cut out of their family, he is included.
Your DS is lucky to have ANY holidays. There are so many children who never get one.
I would be grateful for what I got and think you should encourage your DS to see how lucky he is.

maninawomansworld Tue 02-Jun-15 15:21:50

My parents always took their main summer holiday without us kids when we were little and we went to our grandparents.

They were always very open (without being mean) about the fact that having 3 children is a lot of work and they just wanted to lie on a beach for 2 weeks without constantly worrying about where we were, whether we had enough suncream on, refereeing arguments etc.

We always had a week in the UK or closer to home somewhere like Spain or France as a family but when they went to the Caribbean / Hawaii / Seychelles etc they left us behind.

DW and I now do the same!

undoubtedly Tue 02-Jun-15 15:27:05

Going away and leaving all your children is entirely different to going away and cherry picking your children, leaving the "step" at home.

Not on at all. I'd be unhappy about it.

anon33 Tue 02-Jun-15 15:31:46

Yes Ptolemy that is my point, it isn't that he is missing out on a holiday, but the fact that his Dad is excluding him from his family. I could understand it a bit if the Dad had 3 NR children (taking 5 children would be a massive cost) but there isn't much difference between taking 2 and 3 IME.

maninawomansworld Tue 02-Jun-15 15:35:05

Yeah that's a bit off actually. Would have thought they'd include all the DC's!

CheapSunglasses Tue 02-Jun-15 15:37:23

DSD comes on all holidays with us and our DC.

Her mum goes on holiday at least once a year but never takes DSD with her.

confused

I think the situation you're describing sounds fair enough.

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