To only financially provide for my own children?

(550 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

tinyboxtim Sun 31-May-15 15:37:34

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

MrsNextDoor Sun 31-May-15 15:39:39

Oh how hard. I don't think it's right in one way but in another I understand it...unless your DH's children live with you full time?

Madamnit Sun 31-May-15 15:41:01

You're married...your husbands children, all of them are your responsibility - gobsmacked anyone would willingly not treat all of your children exactly the same

Icimoi Sun 31-May-15 15:41:45

Yes, you WBU. If you are all in the same household it really is grossly unfair to leave three of the children noticeably worse off than the others. If you don't want to buy nice things for all of them, don't buy for any of them. It won't hurt your children to go without a bit.

LazyLouLou Sun 31-May-15 15:41:55

Yes, YWBU to have that chat with her.

But her dad, and mum, would not be even the teensiest bit U to explain that to her. Does she live with you and her dad and half sibs, or with her mum and full sibs??

Either way you need to ask your DH to do it quickly, to prevent this from becoming a huge issue.

PurpleDaisies Sun 31-May-15 15:42:06

I think the key thing is how you treat them when you're all together. Do the step children live with you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 31-May-15 15:43:16

I firmly agree that parents have a financial responsibility for their children BUT, you've married him. To me, that is an undertaking of joint-ness and it's obviously becoming enough of a problem that what you do for your own children is in start contrast to what your husband does with his.

How would it be if you had no money? Would you expect your husband to look after your children as well as his own or just do what you're doing? Honest answer... what is it?

Perhaps you shouldn't have married if this is your attitude. You should certainly speak to your husband about your views in relation to what your step-children are asking. They are your step-children... not some random strangers.

I really don't like your attitude towards blended family; you want one but only on your own terms. It's not just your call.

tinyboxtim Sun 31-May-15 15:43:25

No, we have them eowe, half holidays, and occasionally a night a week.

ItsTricky Sun 31-May-15 15:43:35

As a former step child who had watch her step siblings having better stuff and experiences than me in a set up much the same as yours, I'd say YANBU. It's not the fault of the children that there's a difference in their parents income. I think all children in the 'family' should be treated the same.

chanie44 Sun 31-May-15 15:44:58

Sorry I think YABU, you are married and have a responsibility to all of the children. Whether you like it or not, you are a family.

I'm not saying you should spend exactly the same, but it's ends to be equitable.

ItsTricky Sun 31-May-15 15:45:04

Oooops I mean YABU

conniedescending Sun 31-May-15 15:46:23

This is difficult...how much disparity is there? On the whole I agree though. You have 5 children to support and are already providing a home that your OH presumably doesn't have to contribute rent/ mortgage payments to which gives him more disposable cash for his children.

What does your partner think?

edamsavestheday Sun 31-May-15 15:46:25

Hmmm I'm not sure. You would need to tread carefully and respectfully and even so the reaction may make things worse. I'd be very tempted to point out your elder children have inherited from their late father, though, and that they'd much rather still have their Dad than any amount of money.

I assume you've got your wills sorted out btw? You don't want awful rows when someone dies because it's all in a muddle.

clareabouts Sun 31-May-15 15:46:40

I'm not sure whether you're saying you have already had this chat, or intend to, but either way I think it would be a hurtful thing to say to a child. It would be very easy for SD to hear the message as "my relationship with you is based on duty, not affection".

Of course you can spend your money how, and on whom, you like - but if it's conspicuous to the point where SD is upset by it, and if she raises it and you tell her that's just the way things are, I think you're setting the stage for some real problems down the line.

Good luck, I know how hard it is being a step-parent!

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 31-May-15 15:46:42

Hmm I'm on the fence here tbh. I can see why your DSD is resentful but that said if your dc's have lost their father and their step father doesn't contribute towards them either then I think it's for him to deal with.

PurpleDaisies Sun 31-May-15 15:46:43

Posted half way through. When you're together as a family there shouldn't be any difference between the children you have birth to and your step kids or you're setting yours up for a world of trouble later. I say this as a bitter step child of a step mother who obviously resented the fact my dad had kids.

When they're with their mother if your husband is paying the right amount of child support that's as far as your involvement needs to go.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 31-May-15 15:47:22

I'm not sure of the fairest answer, but it's very easy to see how your stepchildren would be extremely upset by the current setup.

Maroonie Sun 31-May-15 15:47:43

It's up to her parents to provide for her. If her mum was buying things you couldn't afford should she stop so your kids don't feel left out?
It's up to you and your husband how your finances work.
Did you discuss and agree this before you got married and had children?

MissBattleaxe Sun 31-May-15 15:47:47

I think it sounds a bit mean to be honest OP YABU. be kinder. They're only kids. Would it kill you to treat them all? You are causing a stigma.

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 31-May-15 15:47:50

Also I do strongly believe that fair doesn't always mean equal

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc Sun 31-May-15 15:49:48

Yabu, you are part of a blended family, you choose that. Allowing disparity between siblings that you choose to put together is pretty cruel. Obviously there are times it can't be helped such as a day trip when step siblings are at mums and so on but a tangible difference in lifestyle within the same household is pretty unreasonable.

The conversation you had was also wrong, definitely one for the mother or father to have had.

tobysmum77 Sun 31-May-15 15:49:59

The op's children are only 'better off' because their father is dead sad . I dont know op what is fairest here, genuinely .....

morethanpotatoprints Sun 31-May-15 15:50:01

I don't think you can treat them all the same though.
I know it is tough on the others, but your late dh left the house and money for your dc.
Heaven forbid your relationship didn't last as well. I hate to say that but it is a practical thought.

I suppose a fair way of doing it would be to keep the money left for your dc separate and not treat them out of this.
Then maybe both you and your dh put money away that would be for a mortgage, so half each. Use this to treat all the dc fairly.
Then in some way separate your earnings, both pay the same in bills and dh pays maintenance.
Not sure if that would work?
It must be hard for the dc, but my dc have always seen their cousin have far more than they have, they have to get used to it.

Moresmores Sun 31-May-15 15:50:21

What sort of things are we talking though? Clothes, activities, electronics? Or things like private education?

FlabulousChix Sun 31-May-15 15:50:35

I agree with what you propose. It's your husbands responsibility to provide for his first children not you. Like you said they have a mother too.

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